Baseball Before Bedtime: Two Weeks

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Here's what happened in baseball last night when I told you I would stay:

Twins 5, Red Sox 2: My archnemesis Justin Morneau hit the deciding three run ding dong that topped off the only scoring inning the Twinkies had against Jon Lester tonight. Nick Blackburn was a bit more productive, striking out seven Soxes in seven innings for a three-star Nickgasm. Boston DH David Ortiz failed to homer and therefore didn't talk to the media after the game.

Phillies 5, Marlins 3: Country Joe Blanton whiffed eleven Florida Marlins during the game and then hit up Salty Ned's Fish Bake Restaurant and Dry Cleaners after the game, where he ate a marlin, a swordfish, and half a rack of baby back shark ribs. Nom! The Phillies bullpen nearly had another monumental meltdown as Chad Durbin and Scott Eyre let in three ninth-inning runs while recording but one out; this time, however, Brad Lidge put out the fire instead of casually tossing kerosene and marshmallows on it.

Orioles 7, Blue Jays 2: The Jays offensive woes continue thanks to the swift thinking of the Orioles front office. Last night would have been Adam Eaton's spot in the rotation but he got kicked to the curb in favor of rookie Jason Berken. Fella gave up two runs in five innings and notched his first big league win thanks to a few O's tater tots. This was all in front of the smallest crowd in Camden Yards history, but they had a good excuse: there's a new penguin at the aquarium!!! Crowds should improve once the Wieters ship docks this weekend.

Reds 6, Astros 4: Looks like Joey Votto is fully recovered from his inner ear infection and was finally allowed to play a full game with the other kiddies. Dude smacked a two-run dong in the seventh to carry the Fightin' Dustys over the 'Stros, preventing Roy Oswalt from winning his 24th career game against the Redlegs against just one loss. Said Dusty Baker, "He was good tonight, but he wasn't as good as he usually is. We got to him." Way to state the facts, Dusty.

Royals 6, Tigers 1: Zack Greinke earned his fifth complete game and eighth win on the year. He is made of magic.

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Two weeks is as gorgeous as Greinke complete game

That video creeps me out more than the first time I saw the video for Black Hole Sun.

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