Crush Us All - The Saturday Morning Post

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What happened last night while you were establishing a clear vision of boast and brag.

Rangers 6 (5), A's 3 (2): A rare doubleheader in Texas ends with an even rarer sight: the Rangers comfortably atop the American League standings. The Rangers may finally have realized the game isn't just a home run derby, using stellar defense to prop up their pitching. The Rangers held the anemic A's in check long enough to post 3 runs and post the victory in game 1. Game 2 started with the Rangers posting all the offense they'd need in the first inning. Bonus doubleheader fact: twice as many at bats means twice as many Chris Davis strikeouts! Give him 6 on the day and 77 on the year, or a strikeout in 46.7% of his at bats Impressive! Just like the pitching performance of Jason Vargas. The non-Claudio Vargas notched his first starting victory since 2006 against the poor, poor Angels. Jose Lopez hit a tater tot on batter after Russell Branyan's tot was revoked by the glove of Juan Riviera, with an assist to the step-stools built into the fence in Anaheim.

Mets 2, Marlins 1: Those tricky Mets won their fourth game in a row, vaulting them into first place in the NLeast. An extremely well-pitched game--only 5 walks combined--ended via the many tools of Gary Sheffield. Sheff singled and stole second, going to third on an errant throw. Sheffield puts pressure on the defense, it's what good crazypeople do. The Phillies bested the Nationals the only way they know how: via the fielder's choice. Chutley's accidental RBI allowed the Phils to outlast the Nats. Brad Lidge throwback night featured a 1-2-3 inning from the embattled closer.

Yankees 3, Indians 1: Don't look now, the Yankees are in first place. Andy Pettitte walked 5 and allowed 6 hits over 5 innings, but the smoke and mirrors approach worked for one night, must have been all the rain. The Jays returned home to beat the Red Sox and all was right with the world. Scott Rolen knocked two doubles as the Jays finally got to Tim Wakefield. Jacoby Ellsbury was the Star Sock, something we'd all better get used to saying. MATT WIETERS!!!! 0 fer 4 with a strikeout, death to false idols. The O's bested the Tigers, slightly derailing the D-train bound for Good Sentiment Town.

Rockies 3, Padres 0: I don't mean to alarm anyone, but Jason Marquis is 7-3. He's pitching into the eighth inning in three consecutive starts! I'm afraid. Marquis shut down the streaking Padres, scattering 6 hits over 8 innings. Brian Giles extended his hitting streak to 6 games, raising his average to a lofty .192. Matt Cain's Trade Value went out and gave itself a shot in the arm, throwing 6.1 solid innings. The win also moved the Giants over .500, something I never thought I'd say again. Pablo Sandoval is poised to become the America's next lovable fat man. The Dodgers won again actually lost for once. I'm shocked and amazzzzzzzzzz

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The Dodgers actually decided to lose last night to make things more exciting. It's a good strategy.

Wow, I'm terrible. Fixedish.

Whenever Pablo Sandoval gets a hit I yell "run fatty!"
Then my waitress comes over and slaps me.

Phish 1 - Fenway 0

Not terrible. You emphasized how the game was booooring. But its good you fixed it so people get excited for the Giants to make their move--only trailing by 8.5 games!!

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