I, Too, Sing America: Today's Afternoon Games

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  • 12:35PM EDT, Astros at Nationals: Roy Oswalt looks to get some friggin run support and notch his first win of the year out in Washington today, where he sports a 0.55 ERA in four career appearances. He'll wield his fastball to face down Ryan Zimmerman, carrying a tidy 22-game hitting streak into this businessperson's special. A getaway game on a Tuesday? Thanks, MLB scheduling wizards!

  • 12:37PM EDT, Indians at Blue Jays: Toronto bloggers are absolutely agog over the debut of lithe lefty Brett Cecil this afternoon at the Massive Telecom Dome. The 22-year-old Cecil got the call up to the big time to replace fellow lithe lefty Ricky Romero (strained oblique) in the starting rotation. Might be a bit too soon to celebrate, Blue Jay fans. Cecil was 0-3 with a 8.31 ERA at Triple-A Las Vegas, and rookie Indian slugger Matt LaPorta eats lithe lefties for breakfast.

  • 2:20PM EDT, Giants at Cubs: Reigning Cy Young winner and snaggletoothed video game pitchman Tim Lincecum looks to erect an enormous concrete wall and stop the rallying Cubs, winners of four in a row. Lincecum has great career numbers against the Cubs...well, Lincecum has great career numbers against everyone, even the 1939 Yankees, who he never faced. Following in the footsteps of fellow E! reality star Denise Richards colon it's complicated's knockout performance, Kim Kardashian's enormous ass will sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch.

  • 4:08PM EDT, Orioles at Rays: Matt Garza, whose real claim to fame is his similarity in appearance to a Muppet, will try and hold back the O's today lest the boys from Baltimore pass Tampa in the standings. Quel horreur! Last to first to last again, who would have thought? Koji Uehara makes his first appearance since taking a line drive to the chest. Ouch!

  • 4:40PM EDT, Rangers at Mariners: The Rangers were able to nip at King Felix' heels last night, eventually tagging the ace for six runs over six innings. Today, they'll try and hit Erik Bedard early and then coast on the pitching stylings of one Vicente Padilla, he of the 7.42 ERA. Ken Griffey missed the game yesterday with an inflamed colon. Don Wakamatsu will personally get some ice water and aloe and try to cool that thing down so Griff can play the role of designated Padilla smasher.

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I want bad, bad things to happen to Kelly Shoppach.


Like getting hit by a pitch?

Noooooooo! Not Jensen Lewis! Nooooooo!



Oh, maybe when they stop playing LAST PLACE TEAMS.

Like the Yankees? harfharfharf

Damn you, Iracane, and your reverse-jinxing ways!

It was actually a pair of Bears linemen that sang the stretch today. That, or Kardashian's ass is even more enormous than I thought.

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