Lana Turner Has Collapsed! - Today's Afternoon Games

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  • 12:35PM EDT, Phillies at Reds: Phils manager Charlie Manuel hopes that struggling starter Joe Blanton will return to form in this rubber match. Newsflash, Cholly: being tubby and giving up a ton of runs is Country Joe's typical form. You caught lightning in a bottle last year. Time to cut bait. Our pal Dan McQuade is going to liveglog this number for you, so I hope you didn't bring your liveglog blazer to the cleaners after last night's affair.

  • 1:05PM EDT, Rangers at Tigers: The Teegers are going for the sweep at home and their six straight win; if they pull that off they'll stake a claim to the third best record in the AL. Edwin Jackson takes the mound for Detroit while ace Kevin Millwood tries to help Texas maintain their shockingly stout AL West lead. Tigers DH Wilkin Ramirez made his debut last night and tater-totted, the first Detroit player to homer in his debut since Joe Dumars dropkicked a basketball through the goalies' leg back in '87.

  • 2:05PM EDT, Twins at White Sox: The mild-hitting Fightin' Ozzies look to sweep the similarly mediocre Twinkies as two middling pitchers battle it out in a very average American city. Nick Blackburn hasn't induced a Nickgasm all month while Bartolo Colon hopes to get more than one run of support. Somethin's gotta give. Or not.

  • 2:10PM EDT, Indians at Royals: Zack Greinke will pack his seven wins and 0.60 ERA into his knapsack and hike down from his mountain retreat toward the renovated Kauffman Stadium to take on...Carl Pavano? Sounds like an easy-peasy road towards win number eight, Zack Attack. Make it count, son. Check the insert in your Playbill because Kerry Wood will most definitely not be appearing in this affair.

  • 4:08PM EDT, Athletics at Rays: Check out the mugs on today's starters. Dallas Braden's headshot seems to indicate a false confidence while Matt Garza's headshot belies the Muppet within. These two chuckleheads have their tasks: for Braden, it's to help the last place A's take three of four from the defending champs. For Garza, it's to clean up Scott Kazmir's mess again and help the Rays right their ship. Oh no, I just used a sports cliche! Nobody tell Visser.

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Dallas Braden would like to know if you're interested in purchasing any non-medicinal weed near a basketball court.


Dallas Braden isn't pleased with the shit you've been saying about his sister.

Matt Garza looks like Iracane's cousin. I wonder if he only wears effeminately colored polo shirts, too.

I am stairing at the edge right now, if the Twins loose to poop tube I am jumping.

You haven't seen an MLB headshot until you've seen a Warner Madrigal headshot. Gamorrean?


Wow. He looks like Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Warner Madrigal has never once looked completely ridiculous.