Thursday Afternoon Liveglog Yay!

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kinda gay.jpg That picture of Joshua Beckett is almost as gay as the one of Barry Zito from last time. Geez.

Good morning! Let me make it perfectly clear that I'm kinda hungover. Actually, pretty sure I'm still drunk from birthday party shenanigans last night. The only thing to do in a situation like that is to drink more beer... except all I have is this bottle of Jameson and some warm Diet Rite. Cheers!

Anyway, today we're gonna liveglog the crap out of the finale between my Minnesota Twins and Kris Liakos' Boston Red Sox. The only thing keeping me from proposing to CTC is his undying love for Dustin Pedroia. Otherwise, rawr.

T-minus 6 minutes til game time! Weeeeeeeeeee!
1:10: I'm going to pretend I'm on the crappy lovely East coast right now, where it's a little after one o'clock. Not nooner, like it really is. We'll see how this flies.

1:11: Jacoby Ellsbury leads off with a fly-out against youngster Anthony Swarzak to begin what may or may not be a super sweet liveglog.

1:12: Now Dustin Pedroia. The only thing standing between me and happiness. A-hole.

1:13: And Dusty grounds out to bring up former Dodger J.D. Drew, who maybe could've had a website launched in his honor this week, but chose to sign with the Sox instead.

1:15: Drew walks, and here comes Kevin Youkilis and his neatly-trimmed facial hair. I'm a fan.

1:16: I hope we see some wild pitches today, those are exciting.

1:17: And Rick Anderson is already making a trip to the mound to settle Swarzak down after back-to-back walks with the hot-hitting Mike Lowell at the plate.

1:18: Lowell grounds back to Swarzak to end the top half of the inning. Matt: Yes. Rob: I don't even know how to respond to that.

1:20: Josh Beckett and his bedroom eyes makes his tenth start of the season and 100th with the Red Sox today, starting with Denard Span at the top of the order for the Twins. Diet Rite is so effing gross. My God.

1:21: Saaaaawing and a miss for Spaniel.

1:22: Ladies and Gentlemen, Man Muscles in the #2 spot, batting as designated hitter this afternoon. I'd like to dedicate this video to him.

1:24: And Man Muscles strikes out swinging. But man it was a purdy swing.

1:25: Justin Morneau at the plate with two out in the first.

1:26: I'm sorry I said you looked gay, Josh Beckett. Three whifs to end the inning, color me impressed! Sox 0, Twins 0. 1:30: David Ortiz leads off the second inning with a line-drive single to center. Meanwhile, Bert Blyleven just compared him to Kirby Puckett.

1:31: Swarzak gets his first strikeout -- a swinging one, even -- from Jason Varitek. One on, one down.

1:32: Left fielder Jeff Bailey grounds into a double play, and Julio Lugo is coming up!

1:34: Lugo nails one to Matt Tolbert, who in turn relays it to Canadian Crusher at first to bring us to the bottom half.

1:36: Beckett continues to make the first half of the Twins order look like complete dumbasses.

1:37: and I just had a huge Joegasm. Thanks Crede! The Twins are on the board with the third baseman's ninth bomb of the year.
1:39: Brendan Harris walks, and here comes Delmon Young, who (I swear to God) was also once compared to Kirby Puckett. Talk about Diet Wrong.

1:40: The Anti-Puckett walks and now there's two on for old school backstop Mike Redmond.

1:47: Red Dog grounds into a double play to end the fiasco in the second and I totally almost broke WoW again, but I'm pretty sure it's all good. Sox 0, Twins 1.

1:50: We're back at the top of the order with Ellsbury, who just grounded out.

1:51: We've been notified by Dick Bremer that Pat Neshek and Boof Bonser are hanging out in Florida together playing backgammon at this time.

1:52: Pedroia (I hate you) grounds out as well, and the Sox are down to their last out pretty quick with Vote For Drew at the plate.

1:54: He flies out to left and the Twins are coming to bat in the bottom of the third. I'm a little ticked cause someone (me) forgot to make ice cubes. *shakes fist*

1:56: Matt Tolbert kicks things off with a hit to left field and Span is up. He's pretty fast, and is batting .315. This pleases me.

1:57: Sacrifice bunt for Denard and now LawnMauer will get a shot at bringing Tolbert home... which brings me to this video.

1:58: Contrary to popular belief, it actually only snows from September to May round these parts.

2:01: Or is it 1:01? Mauer grounds out to second, but moves Matty to third. Morneau at the plate, ready to crush it.

2:03: Matt: that one was all for you, big guy.

2:04: The other m&m boy fails miserably at scoring Tolbert and we're headed to the fourth already. Sox 0, Twins 1.

2:06: Youk starts off the top of the inning for us. I want to touch his face pretty bad, you guys.

2:07: One rock of crack... is that going to be enough?

2:08: Either Swarzak is having some control problems or the ump is higher than me. Youkilis walks, no one out.

2:09: Double plays are a nifty way of forgetting about that guy you just put on base. Lowell grounds into a tailor-made and Papi is ready to play. Did any of you read his book? It was pretty retarded.

2:10: Ortiz apparently does not know his own strength. He strikes out on a check swing, holding nothing but the nob of the bat in his hand. To the bottom of the fourth we go!

2:12: EdBerger: You totally just blew what little respect I had in the first place for The Biz with that comment. That is so Milli Vanilli.

2:13: Jason Kubel dribbles one to second for the first out.

2:14: Twins Aflak Trivia question: Who holds the Twins record for RBI in a month? Guess what. It used to be Harmon Killebrew with 29, but it is now officially Man Muscles, with 32. Good job Joey.

2:15: Crede strikes out swinging and now Beckett will face Harris, who will likely strike out swinging.

2:16: Beckett gets a 1-2-3 fourth as Brendan lines out to Youk. I am STARVING. I was too drunk to eat earlier... even that picture of Pete Pizza made me puke in my mouth a little. I could totally go for some tacos with those ice cubes about now, Rob. Sox 0, Twins 1.

2:19: Jason Varitek hits his ninth bomb of the year to kick off the fifth, just over the trash bag. Swarzak ends his scoreless streak, but it's time to get down to business against Bailey.

2:21: Jeff flies out to center and Lugo will try to do something besides stink. This image courtesy of SOX & Dawgs...

2:24: Speaking of sucking, Swarzak walks Lugo and now there's a man on for Ellsbury, who did not make my recent Top 10 Hottest Players in Baseball list.

2:26: Jacoby flies out to left for the second out and Redmond heads to the mound to give Swarzak a pep-talk before he sees Dustin Pedroia: Destroyer of Dreams.

killing me softly.jpg
2:28: Pedroia ends the top half of the fifth with a groundout to short, and here we are at the bottom half with The Anti-Puckett at the plate.

2:31: Young grounds out to short and Beckett has used only 67 pitches as Redmond comes to bat.

2:34: Red Dog grounds out and Tolbert flies out immediately. Is it already the sixth inning? What time is it? Where am I? Why does my mouth taste like crap? Maybe I should smoke some meth to cleanse the palate before switching to Jameson and OJ. Is that too hipster? Enough questions for now. Sox 1, Twins 1.

2:37: J.D. Drew was just completely robbed of an extra-base hit by Span, who ran like he was being chased by the cops to get to that ball.

2:39: Youkilis singles to center and Mike Lowell is coming to bat.

2:41: Lowell flies out and Ortiz is flying off somewhere around a zilllion pitches.

2:45: Just to go down swinging. CTC just informed me via Gchat that he cannot cut ties with Pedroia. A small piece of me just died. :(

2:47: Beckett takes the hill to face Span at the top of the order.

2:49: Strikeout #6 for Josh and here comes Man Muscles. And another video, obviously.

2:51: Crap, that was unintentionally racially insensitive...

2:52: BC: Dinner's at noon and supper's at five.

2:53: Mauer lines out and his average has plummeted to .411. Morneau rocks AC/DC's TNT as his at-bat tune. I approve.

2:55: Crusher walks for Beckett's third of the game and here comes Jason Kubel. He hit for the cycle once.

2:57: Matt: They get away too, it's hard to catch folks dodging in and out of trailers.

2:58: Beckett gets another swinging K -- #7 on the afternoon -- and we're headed to the seventh inning where we get to watch Swarzak throw a baseball to Varitek, who will then try to hit it. Sox 1, Twins 1.

3:00: Jameson and OJ comes highly recommended.

3:01 Holy crap! Varitek tags Swarzak for another longball, this time to the upper deck in right-center. Someone in Boston just had a Tekgasm.

3:03: Jeff Bailey doubles and Ron Gardenhire decides to take Anthony out of the game. Good move, skip. Jesse Crain will come in to face Lugo, who sucks.

lugo and wife.jpg
3:05: I'm not exactly sure what the hell just happened, but I think Lugo tried to bunt and failed. Maybe his wife will snuggle him on the plane-ride home tonight.

3:07: Lugo gets the job done with a fly to right, moving Bailey to third base. Crain is out of the game, being replaced by lefty Sean Henn for Jacoby Ellsbury.

3:10: I usually try to avoid drinking liquor straight until after the sun goes down on weekdays. Besides, I don't have any ice cubes.

3:13: Ellsbury takes one for the team and now there are runners on the corners for Dustin Dream-Taker Pedroia.

3:15: FUCK THAT.

3:16: Pardon my language. Redmond tries to tag out Bailey with a little help from Kubel's cannon in right, but fails. He flips out, gets ejected, then Gardy gets ejected, and now Mauer has to catch and Henn moves to 8th in the order. Temper, temper!

3:17: Drew grounds into a forceout to end the inning, and we're moving right along to the bottom of the seventh. I'm not a mean drunk, I promise.

3:20: After several replays, it was a good call. I guess.

3:21: Here comes Crede to lead things off.

3:22: And he grounds out. If the Twins do indeed get to the fourth batter in the inning, Henn will bat with the lack of a designated hitter, which could only end in tears.

3:24: Josh Beckett just said a whole bunch of naughty words. And now Tek is tossed. Okay, now Francona. Who's next?

3:25: Home plate umpire Todd Tichenor is high on drugs. BUT! It's against the rules to argue balls and strikes, so see ya later to both catchers and managers. George Kottaras will promptly replace Varitek behind the plate, batting 7th in the order.

3:27: Brendan Harris lines a double past the glove of Jeff Bailey and Young will try to get something going for the Twins with Cuddyer on deck to hit for Henn.

3:30: Seriously Rob, I'm famished.

3:31: Young whifs for Beckett's 8th and now Cuddy is in for Henn, who probably couldn't swing a bat if he was paid more than the league minimum to do it.

3:32: Michael Cuddyer walks on four pitches and Tolbert drifts one to left to put the inning away. What an insane starting-catcherless inning that was. YOU'RE ALL EJECTED! Sox 3, Twins 1.

3:36: Kevin Youkilis had reached all three times with a pair of walks and a single off Swarzak, but flied out to center against new reliever Luis Ayala. Mike Lowell's turn!

3:38: Mikey grounds out to first. Two down for Big Papi, who should probably start taking steroids again.

3:39: That ball almost got stuck in the Dome's ceiling! Wacky stuff. Papi flies out to bring us to the bottom of the eighth, where Hideki Okajima will replace Beckett for the Twins top of the order.

3:41: Good call, Honeycut.

3:42: Okie Dokie gets Span to strike out for the third time this afternoon, which brings us to another innappropriate video from the 90's during Mauer's at bat.

3:47: Aaaaaaand I'm fairly certain WoW Liveglogs have some sort of curse attached to them since Mauer is now 0-for-4, which almost never happens.

3:48: Morneau hammers a knuckleball to straightaway center for the Twins fourth hit of the game. Here comes Jason Kubel.

3:49: Kubel hits one to Youk and it's time for the ninth inning where spankin' new backstop Kottaras will lead off in place of the tossed Jason Varitek. Sox 3, Twins 1.

3:51: George nails the first pitch he sees from Ayala into the outfield for a base hit.

3:53: The Twins turn their second DP of the game after Bailey grounds into one. Two down, Lugo's up.

3:54: Julio does what he does best, and blows it bigtime. My rally cap is on, my eyes fingers are crossed and Jonathan Papelbon will take the hill to face Joe Crede in the bottom of the ninth.

3:58: Crede pops out after a battle of an at-bat and Harris gets another big hit. Delmon Young comes to the plate as the tying run. Rally rally rally rally rally!

4:02: Delmon Young drills one straight to J.D. Drew for the second out and Minnesota's last hope for a series win here is Brian Buscher, pinch-hitting for Ayala.

4:06: Buscher, batting a whopping .186 on the season, goes down swinging to end the game.
Final score: Sox 3, Twins 1.

So, the Red Sox even up the series and say goodbye to the Twins until next season. Unless of course, they meet again in October. You guys are the breast.



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I hope Sooze proposes to Kris at The Heist. On the Jumbotron.

Between Sooze's dulcet tones and my impending Potbelly sandwich coma the next 2.5 hours should be easy living

Do you have something against midgets, Sooze?

Sexy baseball love triangle! Just like the time Mickey Mantle and Yogi Berra ran a train on Kenesaw Mountain Landis' granddaughter.

"The early '60s broadcast media advertising campaign featured a jingle with the lyrics: "Diet Rite Cola / Good for you and children too / Because it hasn't got / Any sugar at all ... new Diet Rite Cola!"

By 1969, the Food and Drug Administration banned cyclamate, forcing the beverage to be reformulated with saccharin."
---Wikipedia, "Diet Rite"

Sooze, I hesitate to bring this up, but Diet Rite is fairly well considered to be hipster cola.

Diet Rite couldn't be any more Diet Wrong if it tried.

It was on sale.

The Red Sox starters' collective home run problems have left Sooze speechless.

Uh-oh, Sooze's header just went invalid.

Chief Wahoo can send his Mexican houseboy up to Minnesota with some ice if you just clap your hands twice.

Or Sooze can go outside and grab some snow off the ground

Ah that song reminds me of the time me and sis became crackheads so we could get welfare.

Ah that song reminds me of the time me and sis became crackheads so we could get welfare.

Uh... one rock of crack, please.

That song reminds me of how gross Heineken is.

I need a nap. I just tried out the new BBQ place around the corner from my office. The ribs were a 7, the brisket was an 8, but the pulled pork was only a 6. The mac n cheese was a friggin' 10, though. If you like your meat smoky, then you will love this place.

Rob, it's three doors down from Amada, for the next time you visit your sister.

Also, the waiter offered us crystal meth and might not have been kidding.

Biz Markie performed at my college a number of years back. A couple of friends of mine jumped onstage to drunkenly say "hi" when he finished his set... and it turns out he didn't actually have turntables up there - he was miming it the whole friggin' time.

Also, the waiter offered us crystal meth and might not have been kidding.

You see, in Missouri, you are supposed to try a bit of the meth before the meal. If you don't, it's like insulting the chef.

That can't be. He spin-synched? Did he record his set and play it back on DAT while he faux-scratched? I'm so upset.

Also, if this game has any more double plays, this liveglog might be over by 3:15.

@The Colonel
I find that if you have it between courses, it acts like a sorbet and cleanses the palate.

3:15 central or eastern?

I so love that Biz Markie has been outed during a liveglog.

David Ortiz' bat is made of the same substance that created Pete Pizza's crispy crust.

No. 6 on Sooze's list: Antonio Alfonseca.

Here is the place I went to, btw. I know you were on the edge of your collective seat waiting for the link.

Do people in the central time zone get Letterman at 10:30PM? Or do they only move prime programs up an hour?

Do people in the central time zone get Letterman at 10:30PM?

I was under the impression that Central is the time zone keeping Jay Leno's Rasputin-like career alive

We get everything at the same moment as you do, meaning we have everything any hour ealrier. Our local news is at 10:00 and starting in June we will have Conan on at 10:30

People in the Central Time Zone need to go to be early so we can get up early to milk the cows. We all have cows.

And we all eat dinner at noon

Span, who ran like he was being chased by the cops to get to that ball.

Great, now Al Sharpton is gonna be here any second.

Beckett has lowered his ERA like he was running a Ponzi scheme. Are we race safe now?

We get everything at the same moment as you do

So you just finally figured out the lyrics to Brooklyn Zoo, too? Some of that never made sense to me. Crosby drops babies? Oh GIRLS BE DROPPIN BABIES. I get it.

White people run from the cops too, haven't y'all ever seen Cops

Don't worry, there aren't any black people in Minnesota. The only black people in Minnesota are Prince and Delmon Young.


Is that why you guys hate Tarvaris Jackson? Or is it because he's a terrible quarterback?

They're not running from the cops, they're running from the cameras. White people HATE cameras.

I would go with a little of column A and a little of column B

My XML header is missing again.


Site Suggestion 1: Make Missing XML Header an Official Site Mascot.

Site Suggestion 1a: Every day at 11:30, giant foam rubber Lobster Baby, Treadmill Shrimp, Missing XML Header and Hilariously Oversized Cakie to race around the site's warning track for our amusement.

Site Sub-Suggestion 1a: Install site warning track.


We could play the shell game with 3 of Rob's green Yankees Hats on the site's Jumbotron.

MDT, great ideas. I do think that the Shrimp is above actually having to participate in the races, however. We can get additional characters from Darren's youtube cache.

@Honeynut: I believe the game you're referring to is Spot The Guido

Jameson is te be enjoyed with a chilled glass. MAYBE an ice cube if I allow it.

If you like crazy white trash dodging between trailers Netflix, rent or download Run Ronnie Run.

David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, that guy from Anchorman that Rob probably hates.


I enjoy Jameson best when I don't immediately break something after drinking six glasses of it. Can't say that happens much, though.

Was it a good call?

The Twins will no longer have the DH for the rest of the game.

So we're gonna see some random middle reliever try and hit? SWEET! Now THIS is why we watch American League games!

I am guessing they will pinch hit in those occasions

Gardenhire is scrambling thorough his desk trying to find the pamphlet on how to execute a double switch.

The DH is totally overrated. Just ask Francona! Oh life.

Come on, umps, even it up - throw Francona out of the game the next time he looks at you funny!

That's a make-up ejection if I ever saw one

So does anybody know what the record is for most ejections in a game?


They threw out someone's mascara?

I know, I'm leaving.

Bobby Valentine got ejected from the same game twice.

And now Honeynut's been tossed.


I hate spunky middle infieders

I'm getting really tired of seeing that Beckett pic every time I refresh the page. He looks like Blossom's older brother.

@ Honeynut
I was seconds away from making the same complaint.

Let's get Denarded

I would like nothing more than to bang out Six.

This game is giving me a mild stroke. Frank Drebbin from Naked Gun is behind the plate and pretty soon he'll be ejecting fans for booing him.

Hey, isn't it time for the home plate umpire to throw some more people out of the game?

I didn't watch this clip, but the title would suggest it's probably NSFW. It's the third thing that comes up when you google "blossom six," by the way.

Bottom of the ninth: Where men are made.

Well, good liveglog, everyone. Same time next week?

Thanks Sooze. Don't forget to ask my Dad before you propose.

Sorry for the loss. But good job on the glog! Celebratory tacos for all!

Noted, Kris.

I'm going to go eat my weight in tacos now. See ya next time all!

Way to be, Sooze. May we never see that picture of Beckett ever again.

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