Wednesday Afternoon Liveglog Club: Cubs, Cardinals, and Cocktails

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carpentersliveglog.jpgWhy do the Cards stand up with a cheer
Every time Chris is near?
Just like the Cubs
They long to be
Close to first

Why do balls fall down from the sky
Every time harmlessly?
Just like the Cubs
Chris longs to be
Close to first

Sure, he's been out awhile (and then awhile before that), but he's the best chance that the Cardinals will have
'Cause let's face it, Joel Piñiero can't keep up this nonsense for much longer, too.

That is why Chris' second start in town
Has the fans followin' 'round
Just like Chris
They long to be
Close to first

(While we enjoy the signature muted brass bridge from Burt Bacharach before we fade into game time, welcome to the Wednesday (very late) Afternoon Liveglog Club. We'll be tipping back Manhattans with you all night to the sophisticated mellow sounds of Burt as well as Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. The game's on ESPN, so we'll be protecting our mellow vibe by muting the sound. We recommend you do the same.

Now loosen that tuxedo tie, tip back your tumbler, and join us as we glog Cubs/Cardinals here at Walkoff Walk after a message from our sponsor.)

Top of the First

8:18 pm - So we miss a couple batters and Thurston Howell ends up at third for the Cardinals? Do we need a new DVR? Has this one started blending television shows?

8:20 pm - The big problem for the Chicago Cubs is that Aramis Ramirez is hurt. As opposed to the rest of the lineup.

8:21 pm - Soriano struck out, Theriot grounded out, Fukudome walked (in a uniquely ethnic fashion suitable for a T-shirt, we hope), Derrek Lee singled, Milton Bradley hated a ball to first, and we're all caught up. Welcome back, Chris Carpenter! Stay wobbly, my friend.

Bottom of the First

8:24 pm - If we call our own shot in San Francisco as the sign tells us, do we have to use AT&T? After all, the team doesn't.

8:25 pm - Skip a Hit grounds out weakly.

8:26 pm - Bobby Scales is a Chicago sensation, making him the first gritty black man since John Henry. (No, not that John Henry.) Colby Rasmus strikes out and is down to his last thimbleful of hype.

8:27 pm - Albert Pujols singles, much to the erect pleasure of the announcing booth. That sound you heard wasn't Sutcliffe bumping into his mic.

8:30 pm - Ryan Dempster elicits another trickle to the mound and we've made our first urine-based sex joke of the night before the first inning ends. Collect your prop bets at the window.

Top of the Second

8:33 pm - Rick Sutcliffe needs to stop trying to solve that thing over there in the Middle East by causing a worse holy war in the Midwest.

8:34 pm - Mike Fontenot grounds out; Geovany Soto singles; Rick Sutcliffe survives cancer. Fine, but we only see one guy collecting counting stats here.

8:35 pm - Albert Pujols appears to have picked up bad habits now that David Eckstein is gone and he doesn't have to throw underhand to second base. A 3-6 DP fails when the throw to the shortstop was a mere 87 feet too high. However, Ryan Dempster makes the third out before we can mock short people, so on we go.

Bottom of the Second

8:39 pm - Mike Fontenot puts on his ass glove before the inning and shows it off while dropping a popup 15 feet from the plate in foul ground. Duncan helps, though, by weakly grounding out and when the hell did this become a pitcher's duel? Could we get a decent position player to show up? Can we make some calls?

8:41 pm - Nick Stankonia strikes out.

8:43 pm - We're sticking by our "Gilligan's Island" joke, by the way, as long as people keep grounding out. The Third grounds out to the right side and sloooooow down, sunshine.

Quick Quiz: Worst Harry Caray impersonation?


Top of the Third

8:46 pm - Alfonso Soriano makes another simple out and we're debating calling in the WWE to mock him for us since there's so many victims tonight.

8:48 pm - Ryan Theriot slices a double. JUICER!

8:50 pm - Fukudome and Lee aren't juicing, but they are ending the inning and making Chris Carpenter look good.

(Side note: David Ortiz finally has more 2009 home runs than Karen Carpenter.)

Bottom of the Third

Okay, screw it. We're going for the short short version.

Carpenter: out.
Ryan: out.
Schumaker: ou... base hit up the middle? The hell?

(And our thanks to Skip for understanding that humor only works in triplets.)

9:00 pm - How do you lose CC Sabathia? He can be spotted from space!

9:02 pm - A 3U from Rasmus to make the jokeration all meta'n'shi' and we get an outro tease of a Dave Duncan blowjob. Does Gary Thorne Dave O'Brien understand that a Dave Duncan blowjob tease really only works on Dave Duncan?

Top of the Fourth

9:05 pm - Wish Rick Sutcliffe was my friend.

9:07 pm - Milton Bradley walks during the case study of Chris Carpenter as lab result for the genius of Dave Duncan.

9:08 pm - A brief list of the people Dave Duncan has helped.

9:09 pm - The ol' Fontenot lineout/Bradley knucklehead double play ball gives Sutcliffe's high horse a fright as Rick digs in the spurs.

9:10 pm - Soto flies out as well and we're in no danger of scoring. Also, the game is 0-0.

9:12 pm - Monica Abbott is nearly as ubiquitous as the Kia Soul hamsters. However, the hamsters care more about their cardio.

Bottom of the Fourth

9:14 pm - Pujols doubles on an ass glove/ass head combo of Theriot and Soriano. Sutcliffe's high horse had to be put down.

9:15 pm - Molina bunts Pujols to third to make the Cubs' lives easier.

9:16 pm - By the way, it is patently unfair that Albert Pujols is that fast at the age of 57.

9:17 pm - Chris Duncan, scion of the best teacher since Socrates, singles to left to score Pujols. All hail Duncan the Sheik! 1-0 Cardinals.

9:18 pm - The Cubs pull a double play off and no mention from Sutcliffe that they did so without accidentally slashing anyone's throat with a skate. C'mon... how about some credit, Rick?

Top of the Fifth


Scales: out.
Dempster: out.
Soriano: trampled by Sutcliffe when mistaken for his replacement high horse.

Bottom of the Fifth

9:25 pm - You know what is great about the Kawasaki SportsCenter report? It's loud, grinding, and preferred by douches.

9:26 pm - Good night, Chris Carpenter. You've touched us all as the avatar for the Great and Powerful Duncan.

9:26 pm - The Third lines out to short.

9:26 pm - Adam Wainwright bats for Chris Carpenter (pulled for lack of heart, naturally) because Tony La Russa requires a reliever for every day of the week, including Duncanday.

9:28 pm - Adam Wainwright strikes out. Sixteen people in the bullpen applauded politely, carefully protecting their left hands for later use.

9:30 pm - Ryan's out. For those of you counting, La Russa has wasted one out on a Molina bunt, one out on a Wainwright at-bat, and two outs on Stankonia at-bats.

9:32 pm - Anne Geddes is Satan.

Top of the Sixth

9:33 pm - Ryan Theriot grounds out to the pitcher weakly, creating an obvious transition to beat on the Theriot steroids story for long enough to turn the deceased high horse into a fine paste.

9:34 pm - Fukudome gets hit on the foot, but screw 'em. Steroid story!

9:36 pm - Lee strikes out, but screw 'em. Steroid story!


9:40 pm - Bradley strikes out because he failed to keep his eye on the ball. Expect another Sutcliffe exposé in the bottom of the frame.

Bottom of the Sixth


9:44 pm - Hang on. Ryan Dempster invented shaking his glove and he's a freakin' genius but Bradley gets six feet too far off the base and he may need help signing his own name on his next paycheck? Is it Overwrought Proclamation Day? Thought that was on Duncanday this year.

9:47 pm - Rasmus doubles, Pujols walks with intention, Molina grounds into a DP and Dempster's Wonderlic score fluctuates more than Carnie Wilson's scale.

9:48 pm - Telling Tony La Russa to manage is like telling Milton Bradley to fill his adult diapers.

Top of the Seventh


Fontenot: out.
Soto: out.
Scales: out.

Bottom of the Seventh

9:58 pm - Duncan doubles bloopily and we should point out that Kyle McClellan has pitched the last two innings for the Cardinals. So we have.

10:00 pm - Apparently, bunting is illegal in Stankonia because Brian Barden has been brought in to bunt alliteratively.

10:02 pm - The bunt works because Mike Fontenot's primitive mind can't grasp these concepts like covering his base.


10:04 pm - The Third walks and... hey, Khalil Greene is alive! We thought maybe he had punished himself to death.

10:08 pm - Greene flies weakly to right, but Bradley snares the ball on the run. Still, Duncan scores in honor of his Father who art in the dugout. 2-0 Cardinals.

10:09 pm - In lieu of this comment, we're pitching out.

10:09 pm - The Third waits for the only thrown ball this inning to not be a pitchout to steal second. Lou, honey... Tony's got your signs like he was Clear Channel.

10:11 pm - Ryan flies out to deep center on Dempster's last pitch of the night and we get more time for Anne Geddes to piddle on our soul.

Top of the Eighth

10:13 pm - The Civil Rights movement: a few massive home runs, a ridiculous number of whiffs, and a deep affection for sandwiches. Yes, the connection is clear.

10:14 pm - One of the nice things about having a group of players that blow in numerous positions is flexibility.

10:14 pm - Soriano strikes out at the hands of the new pitcher, Puck.


10:18 pm - Theriot flies out (and is apparently not a worthy topic now). La Russa manages a little, taking a game with a swift pace behind the barn and slicing its tendon. New pitcher-o-rama!

10:20 pm - A cut from Green Day's rock opera plays us back. If this game was a rock opera, it would be... well, awful.

10:21 pm - Dennys Reyes consumes Fukudome.

Bottom of the Eighth

10:22 pm - Thanks to Volkswagen, we want to punch Andy Griffith in the jaw. That doesn't seem remotely fair. Or possible.

10:25 pm - Ryan Theriot tosses Schumaker out on a full sprint and finally gets relieved of his sins. Milton Bradley, however, still doesn't understand why his can opener doesn't work on his Coke cans.

10:27 pm - Rasmus strikes out and we get the pleasure of Carlos Marmol against Albert Pujols. This should stop traffic.

10:28 pm - Marmol dominates Pujols' hands like Helen Keller when she was inebriated. (She was a chatty drunk.) A foul popout to Soto and we're just about done here.

Top of the Ninth

10:29 pm - Finishing an ESPN game well under three hours should not be a goal, Cubbies.

10:30 pm - Ketel One: When the taste of what you put in your mouth shouldn't be a goal, either.

10:32 pm - Sutcliffe tells us the Cardinals just wanted it more. We wanted him to STFU for 2.5 hours more than we wanted the joy of seeing our presumptive child's first smile, but how'd that work out? Lee strikes out to start the party early.

10:33 pm - Ryan Franklin, Cards closer and rodeo clown, gives up a double to Milton Bradley because Franklin didn't want the out enough. Bradley accidentally chokes on his gum while standing at second.

10:36 pm - Fontenot flies out and Soto... walks? Really? We're still playing? First and second with two out.

10:37 pm - Micah Hoffpauir hits for Scales; Soto gets replaced by a fast person.

10:38 pm - Hoffpauir singles and Bradley scores without tripping over his shoelaces. Cardinals 2-1. Ryan Freel takes third on behalf of Soto on the hit. Reed Johnson up.

10:40 pm - Molina comes out to speak to Franklin briefly before the 0-2 pitch. His advice: "Strike. Throw one."

10:42 pm - Reed Johnson fighting off outside pitch after outside pitch.

10:43 pm - An inside pitch and it's the crossup Molina surely desired. Reed Johnson looks sillier than ol' Redbeard himself and the Cardinals take it 2-1.

10:44 pm - Sutcliffe declares the win the saving grace to the Cardinals' season. A loss here would have ended their chances irrevocably. Hey, so this was an important game to liveglog. Glad we could bring it to you!


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Local biased broadcasters for me. Whee!

I can't believe I am saying this, but as long as there is no Steve Phillips tonight, I wouldn't mind Joe Morgan as the color man.

Color man? I don't think you can say that Rob.

What's that sound? Wait, wait.....that's Rick Sutcliffe's music! BRING ON THE COCKTAILS

DO I have time to run out and get a pack of Chesterfields before first pitch?!

Our Kris carpenter > the Cards' Chris Carpenter

Karen looks like she could use a cheezburger. Where's Cat Stairs when we needs him?

I dropped some crumbs under my laptop's nubbin and now my pointer is moving on its own.

Sut-"Cliffe" notes.
How Boomeresque.

Those Cubs fan/Cards fan girls were cute. There are no cute girls who are Red Sox or Yankees fans. That's the biggest difference.

The Cards/Cubs girls can keep track of a score sheet and could tell you what a ground rule double is. That's what makes them cute.

Sutcliffe's chemo-independent value over replacement talking head is 53.2.

Here in Beantown, Brett Cecil gets chased after allowing 5 HR, including one to David Ortiz. Whoops.

Hotter: Ginger, Mary Ann, or Lovey?

Dempster's is the worst. Berman does the worst broadcaster impression. I still laugh at the Will Ferrell skit with Jeff Goldblum.


My ass glove smells mysteriously like lavender.

Skip Schumaker cares not for elegant symmetry.

Sutcliffe can't just be friends with anyone. Trust me.


Milton Bradley is the gift that keeps on screwing up.

A list of people Sandy Duncan has helped:

If Dave Duncan is such a genius pitching coach, shouldn't Chris Duncan be the most amazing pitcher ever?

Did you know that one kid on The Hogan Family ended up inventing the magnetic levitation train?

Another success story: Dunkin' Donuts.

In Spain, it is called Dunkin Coffee.


Albert Pujols managed just a 25 degree angle off the ground when rounding first. Any lower and he'd be a flounder.

Goddammit. It's a short bench, not a non-existent bench.

Chris Carpenter will end the year allowing zero earned runs while averaging about 5 innings per month.

I'm "watching" the game via the liveglog while plowing through the first season of Rome. Oh Titus Pullo, you scamp.

Plowing through Rome? You're a modern-day Caligula.

You can't spell Gordon Edes without Anne Geddes!

Milton Bradley is swinging like a broken Mousetrap(TM).

I'm so glad Milton Bradley is on three out of three of my fantasy teams.

Guess Who isn't hitting? Milton Bradley.

I read this line in the AP story about Amy Mickelson's cancer:

The news was quick to reach Europe, where John Daly is playing in the BMW PGA Championship at Wentworth.

Wow, so quick! You mean via the internet? Or a phone call? Or did Lucky Lindy fly it over there? Technology, so fast!

The Cards freefall has been so fast, it's like they are sliding down a bunch of Chutes while the Cubs climb up a few Ladders.


Rick Sutcliffe has a Monopoly on annoying comments this evening. He even brought up the Taboo steroid discussion. RISK

I'm off to see the Decemberists. It's not like this is a Giants/Padres liveglog....
Thanks Tuffy!

Best part of being Caligula? Primae Noctis. Someone cuts you off in traffic, fine, you bang his wife. I'd go to the hardware store and tell everyone in line to let me go first or I'd bang their wives. That'd be helpful.

Not to harsh the glog buzz but I too am liveglogging tonight. Mets/Dodgers on the Canadian internets!

Simultaneous gloggerations!

Tuffy you are a man of the people and a true scholar.

Ryan Franklin looks like he sneezed Big League Chew.

While he nearly blew the save, it certainly wasn't Isringhausen-like because he wasn't laboring like a hog.

Thanks for the glog, Tuffy.

Thanks for having me! (And I do mean "having me".)

You're the man Tuffy

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