You Have Questions, Roger Clemens Has Answers

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How much does it cost for a man to get highlights? Where is the best place to park a Hummer in Houston? What's it like being as popular as the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid?

If these are questions that have been gnawing at you, and let's face it they have, fret not. Your answers are coming. Roger Clemens reached out to The Houstonist, a blog about um... Houston, and offered to take questions from their readers and provide candid answers as part of his Truth Tour '09. He's so gonna be on Oprah soon.

"The fans and the folks in Houston have always been great to Deb, the kids and me and we're grateful for the support.

I know a lot of baseball fans read the Houstonist and that they have asked questions about the false allegations against me. I welcome the chance to answer the questions of your readers."

A call to The Roger Clemens Foundation confirmed that the email is from the man himself. So, what do you want to know, Houston?

What are the chances that The Rocket takes on the tough questions? Actually, what are the tough questions at this point? He's already been found guilty in the court of public opinion, and frankly I think most people have already forgotten all the details of the allegations. I remember some needles and a beer can. I guess most of my questions would just be about hygiene.

The bottom line here is that Clemens still doesn't know the first damned thing about PR. He's under the impression that trying to "clear the air" this long after the initial steroid charges were lobbed at him will actually convince anyone that he's clean. Shoulda done it then Rog, instead of taking a year to come up with your strategy. It's easier to be found innocent than it is to break out of jail.

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It's easier to be found innocent than it is to break out of jail.

Unless you get a tattoo of the prison's blueprints on your body, then go to jail on purpose to break your brother out.

The real victim in all of this is The Houstonist's spellcheck function.

Tell me this, Roger: Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?

Dear Roger,

What is on your iPod? By the looks of your shirt, I guess a lot of Hinder.

Do you favor Texas seceding from the U.S.? What can the rest of the 49 states do to convince you all to go through with it?

Has the market stabilized, and if so should I start buying stocks again, or am I better off investing my retirement fund in your memoribilia?

Do you think of yourself as more of a douchebag or a dipshit?

If you could rename your kids, would you choose something other than 'K'? Bedazzle me.

Will your next boys be named Harry, George, and Henry?

No matter how fast I whisk, I can never get my vinaigrette to emulsify properly. Keep in mind, I rough chopped the rosemary. Could that be preventing proper emulsification? Should I add it later? Or just give in, and use the blender?

Oh sweet Roger found my beer can??

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