Day Of The Living Glog: Tigers vs. White Sox, 2:10 pm

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sussglog.jpgThe AL Central: Because Midwesterners Embrace Mediocrity The Best. If there's anything else that the Midwest does well, it's rain. It rains a lot. PLEASE STOP RAINING, CLOUDS! I've actually never had to handle a rain delayed baseball game. Unless you count that one time. But at least that one started!

Whenever this beauty becomes active, it'll be Edwin "Bagels" Jackson vs. Gavin "Lox" Floyd.

The Tigers are itchin' to actually win a series against the White Sox, which I've only seen in pictures at the bottom of Loch Ness. Detroit currently a four-game lead over the Minnesota Fraternals. Meanwhile, the Bleached Footwear are six and a half games back of first place, nestled snugly in third place.

2:13 pm -- What an exciting rain delay! You know what that means, fellers:

2:15 pm -- Here, try to name as many Gold Glove winners as possible. By the time you finish those, maybe we'll have some primo tarp removal.

2:23 pm
-- Gavin Floyd's perfect game remains intact.

2:26 pm -- As part of your Walkoff Walk Bonus Coverage Sponsored By A Half 2-Liter Of Cherry Diet Pepsi, we bring you the Marlins and Cardinals already in progress, with the Fish up 5-3 in the eighth inning. Did I say untied? I meant tied. Cody Ross was generous enough to let Ryan Ludwick's single slide through his footsies, and after a Colby Rasmus Kraft single the Archbishops are now up 6-5.

2:34 pm -- Ooh, pretty tarp in U.S. Cellular field. But it's very unbecoming of it to be rolled out there in public, for everyone to see every one of its crevices.

2:37 pm -- Chris Duncan is physically unable to bring home any more runners. For shame.

2:41 pm -- Yay! Dennys Reyes is on the mound. As an impartial observer, one always roots for the fat guy to pitch well. He strikes out Jeremy Hermida, and burns calories in doing so.

2:43 pm -- Well, that tired him out. LaRussa wants someone leaner. And, would it kill you to not cut away from the hilarious local "call to the bullpen" advertisement for a car rental agency that's parodying the Ghostbusters song?

2:45 pm -- Ryan Franklin? That sounds like a man with sufficient glutes. Pitch away, sir.

2:47 pm -- The Fox Sports folk can't get past Franklin's facial hair. "What would you call that, a super goatee?" Cody Ross singles to center, but doesn't get the lucky "goes by the outfielder like a third grader" home roll. There are now dudes at first and second. I picked the correct game to emergencyglog.

2:50 pm -- A life saving catch by Ankiel in center destroys the life of Ronny Paulino and the Marlins' promising eighth. Ronny Paulino And The Marlins were a great band back in the 60s and they don't get enough credit.

2:54 pm -- The Cardinals would like nothing more than to tack on some runs in the top of the ninth. Which begs the question: do runs have tacks? Are they inherently on them or does someone fuse the tacks onto them? If it's the former, wouldn't people be more careful in how they touch home plate?

2:56 pm -- Brian Sanches pitches ...I got nothin' until I check his Baseball Cube page. He does whifficate Brendan Ryan and Rick Ankiel, in that order and none else.

2:57 pm -- Cthujols experiences a moment of weakness when he harmlessly flies out to left field. Time for whoever the Marlins batters are to try and get to whoever the Cardinals closer is. Should be epic!

3:00 pm -- Oh, it IS Franklin. He's attempting to pull off the rare Full Gossage Save. The supple Hanley Ramirez becomes the first to fall in the inning, providing the catcher with a gentle Floridian breeze with his own stick of ash. One out.

3:03 pm -- "Crack" Jorge Cantu was about a nautical meter away from tying the game, but he'll have to settle for a board-bashing double.

3:05 pm -- Emilio Bonifacio? No? You don't wanna? ... all right, then. Wes Helms, the fate of the afternoon rests on your loins.

3:07 pm -- BREAKING NEWS: People in Chicago aren't too proud to have umbrellas. The tarp remains motionless, pristine, and vulnerable ... waiting for graduate art students to paint her.

3:08 pm -- Helms' foul pop (not to be confused with R.C. Cola) isn't strong enough for Cthujols to snare it, ending the game and leaving me with having no idea what the hell to do now.

3:11 pm -- Braves and Pirates! It's a much less interesting 1-1 in the top of the eighth. Two Pirates are already called out and crying somewhere. Javier Vazquez and Paul Maholm are fencing in a most glorious fashion.

3:15 pm -- So today we've had Cody Ross, then Brendan Ryan, and now Brandon Moss. This is all very confusing and a sign that people who had children in the 80s weren't very good with names. Moss, pinch hitting for Maholm, strikes out, which is something I think the pitcher could have done just as easily, and perhaps more humorously. Middle of the eighth.

3:18 pm -- Seathief reliever Steven Jackson steps in. Chipmeister Jones lines out. Somewhere, a tree falls.

3:20 pm -- Barbaro Canizares, your seat is over there. Also, that's not your real name, you are a blogger in disguise, please change it back to Tanner Cartwright or Payton Stewart or whatever the flip it is.

3:22 pm -- Matt Diaz. Great first name. We need more of you. Oh, right, there are more of you. He lines in an un-Chipper-like fashion, because he reached base safely. Plus, he steals second, winning over the hearts of the 55-and-over market, assuming they're still beating. But Jeff Francoeur can't bring him home, as he just groeunds out to shoeurtstop.

3:26 pm -- Ooh, side-by-side of Deion Sanders and Andrew McCutchen triples. They're both fast.

7:12 am, next Thursday -- Sid Bream reaches third base.

3:28 pm -- Cutch Me If You Can </BERMAN> pokes a little scrapper into right field. Nyjer Morgan sacrifices his own unfortunate first name to move McCutchen up to second. 

3:31 pm -- New word: Sacrifish. Definition: You advance the runner with an out when you didn't really mean to. Freddy Sanchez executes a perfect sacrifish back to pitcher Rafa Soriano, scooching up McCutchen to really close scoring position.

3:32 pm -- Adam LaRoche is intentionally walked, bringing up Andy LaRoche. Brother disrespeck!

3:34 pm -- Matt Capps warms up in the bullpen, and in our hearts. MATT POWER.

3:36 pm -- Oh, Mattlesticks. Brother LaRoche reaches for an up-the-hypotenuse single, bringing home Brother LaRoche and Cousin McCutchen. 3-1 Pirates.

3:38 pm -- It's just not ending. Delwyn Young strikes a one-baser to right. Soriano is getting Ligtenberged up out there.

3:40 pm -- Robinzon Diaz (the extra Z is for Zesty Parmesan Cheeze) fliez out to Francoeur, unable to zcore the runnerz.

3:42 pm -- Capps must now close the game, because he is the closer, with numbers that would make All-Star Lance Carter not at all envious. Gregor Blanco and Kelly Johnson, the two guys from Miami Vice, both ground out. So I guess I should stop making fun of pitchers.

3:45 pm -- AND with that you get Bobby Cox ejection. Who doesn't live the whiparoundglog?

3:49 pm -- Brian McCann gets Capped. The Braves are still cheesed over that call at first. They're also probably irrirated that Too Many LaRoches got to them in the ninth inning. Okay, so that game's over.

3:53 pm -- Cubs and Astros. HOW AH YA? The Spacemen have a 1-0 lead in the sixth inning, but runners on the sides of the diamond endanger that anorexic advantage.

3:55 pm -- Tim Byrdak, heir to the Byrdak Avian Supplies Co. throne, throws a whippoorwill-sized fastball by Kosuke Fukudome for strike three.

3:59 pm -- The Astros are also a fan of whiparound pitching. Alberto Arias is in for Byrdak, looking to off Derrek Lee.

4:00 pm -- Said offing occurs.

4:02 pm -- Ryan Dempster settles in, whether or not he's actually "settled." It's just a word people use to fill the void. Oh, and here's why they invented Four games split-screened. I'm keeping an eye on D'Backs/Giants, Rockies/Brewers, and Twins/A's. Yes, that's four eyes. I heard it all the time growing up. STOP MOCKING ME!

4:04 pm -- Fox Sports Detroit continues their profile of Mark Fidrych. Cut to the groundscrew sweeping the water off the tarp. Either way, I'm outta here at 5 p.m.

4:05 pm -- I've seen everything except a home run today. Which is striking, given the time. And Lance Berkman's off-the-scoreboard double just continues to mock me.

4:08 pm -- It seems Berkman was left at second without rations. Sorry, I was mesmerized by middle aged men moving water around on the field. Don't judge me.

4:11 pm -- Michael Bourn conquered Tal's Hill with a stupefying falling-backwards catch. You'll watch it tonight. Explaining it in blogger's words would be useless and confusing.

4:13 pm -- Mike Fontenot is just walking to first! SOMEBODY THROW HIM OUT!

4:15 pm -- Koyie Hill is absolutely no help whatsoever. All those vowels in his first name is probably slowing his bat speed. Andrés Blanco at least made contact, so he is less at fault in failing miserably.

4:19 pm -- Disney's Pudgeables! Ivan The Stout flies to Fukudome. And there was much rejoicing.

4:23 pm -- Well, that's just great. The game will start at 5 pm. So with the Astros going down in the seventh, let this be my excuse to end Walkoff Walk's Bonus Coverage Sponsored By A Half 2-Liter Of Cherry Diet Pepsi, Which Is Now Empty. It's been something else. Actually, it was everything else but what was advertised. Thanks again, Rob 'n Kris! And suck it, Ra, the Sun God, who clearly took the day off today (oblique strain).

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When do we get TWIB Notes?

Rain Delay YouTube Theater! Now do a blooper reel.

I wish my ringtone was the TWIB theme song. I swear Zamfir is playing the pan flute in the background of that song.

Then do an attendance quiz! I guess....(c) 15 readers.

Suss, if it keeps raining this can be your next youtube post


Michael Rappaport's kids do something zany and piss him off

Hey, M*A*S*H* is on! Oh, it's a Winchester. Damn.

I tried to type O-F-F-E-R-M-A-N into that quiz page, and I got a 404 error message.

Where's my Twilight Zone and The Honeymooner re-runs?

/11 Alive, WPIX'ed

The show depicts the life of Dave and Vicky and their three children as they live their lives in Long Island, New York. Dave is a middle class Jewish insurance salesman. He is sometimes portrayed as a paranoid, overprotective and hypocritical bigot, and his family (especially Larry) have a hard time putting up with him. Dave is constantly chewed and cussed out (and even punched once) by Larry for always picking on him. It is established toward the end of season one that Dave is the way he is because he had a father who constantly badgered him. Dave's wife Vicky is an attractive Italian Catholic interior designer. Generally levelheaded, she usually spends her time dealing with Dave's unreasonable behavior, but can be quite obnoxious herself.

Of their three children, the oldest is Hillary (Kaylee DeFer), a typical 17-year old who frequently misbehaves, trying to get away with mischief behind the backs of her parents, who often regard her with suspicion. Second oldest is 16-year-old Larry (Kyle Sullivan), an eccentric misfit given to emotional outbursts (such as when Vicky denies him permission to see Brian Boitano star as Bilbo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings On Ice). Larry is often seen with his best friend Kenny. Initially Dave believes that the boys are both gay, but it is later revealed to the audience that while Larry is not gay, Kenny has a secret crush on Larry. Dave, and to a lesser extent Vicky, often treat Larry's flamboyancy with wary eyes. The youngest child, the pubescent 14-year-old Mike (Dean Collins), must deal with issues such as masturbation, dating and underage gambling.

The series frequently breaks the fourth wall between segments of an episode, during which Dave or occasionally other characters delivers a rant or other comment directly relating to the scene.

What a dumb fucking show that must have been.

I believe we call that "Whiparound Coverage" around here. Why? Because I thought it was clever.

Ghostride the Whip Around Coverage

Ronny Paulino and the Marlins' failed experiment with the British Invasion sound probably killed them. It's really hard to do a Liverpudlian accent when you were born in Puerto Rico.

I always forget where the apostrophe goes in Cantu.

Barbaro cometh!

Every day should be Matturday

Play him off Keyboard Matt

Matt's the way (uh huh uh huh) I like it (uh huh uh huh)

those damn wacky laroche bros

Andrew "Everything But" McCutchen "Sink".

I hate myself.

Kris is checking out Brother LaRoche tonight at The Other Tent.

AND with that you get Bobby Cox ejection

AKA the worst Billy Mays come on line, ever.


All this whipping around is making me dizzy. I need to sit down.

Hopefully Spacebear is far far away from Pedobear

Thanks, Suss. What a long strange whiparound it's been.

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