Manny Ramirez Hasn't Killed Anyone... Yet

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When you think moral relativism you usually think of Gilbert Harman. Amirite? Well move over Gilby, there's a new philosopher on the block. Suspended slugger Manny Ramirez is a fan of both that slippery ethical slope and the pop in. He surprised teammates pregame yesterday by stopping in to say hello. it was the first time he'd visited the locker room since his 50 game ban. And he spoke from on high. And it was good.

"I don't want to be a distraction for this team," Ramirez said. "What happened, happened. I spoke to (owner) Frank McCourt, I apologized, I spoke to Joe, my teammates and I'm ready to move on.

"I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody, so that's it, I'm just going to come and play the game."

Boy do I have egg on my face. When the news of his steroid suspension broke I called everyone I knew saying that "Manny tested positive for PEDs, rape and homicide." I'm glad Manny is using relativism to feel better about his suspension but you know, even if he had raped someone he could have still come back and "played the game." Just look at the NBA Finals.

Manny also told the media that sometimes he calls up old teammates like James Loney "to say hi." Which I find very endearing and envious of. I want Manny to call me up and be like, "Hey man. Whatcha dooooooooiiiiin? Oh me, not nothing. I've been wicked good today mang, haven't committed any genocide. Wanna go get candy? Ok see you."

But he probably never will.

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Things Manny hasn't done: killed anyone, raped anyone, started a coup in a Central American country, embezzled billions of dollars in a hedge fund scam, eaten a live baby seal, cheated on his wife while starring in a reality show about them and their eight kids, drank red wine with fish, worn white after Labor Day, smoked an entire pound of salvia and then recorded his hallucinations for the world to hear, assassinated the Archduke, join the Communist Party.

Things Manny has done: been Manny.

As long as he said Hi and not hey. there won't be any problems

Someone who does not feel like an asshole for violating rules and getting caught, and having to bail on his teammates as comeuppance for his behavior, is, in fact, an asshole.

He should use his time wisely during this 50-game suspension and train with the Special Olympics.

You got caught. Bad Manny. Here - have a vacation!

"Heinous Crimes I Have Not Committed" is also the name of Kris' new Tumblr.


How odd, Rob's new Tumblr is called "Glorious Crepes I Have Not Yet Confectioned."

The latest one had bananas AND caramel.

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