Persephone, Falling: Today's Afternoon Games

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Eight afternoon affairs today, including one stupendous liveglog from Matt "Bingo Cards" Sussman at 2PM. Let's get right down to it:

  • 12:10PM EDT, Cardinals at Marlins: The early start will help the Cards get the heck out of Miami and flee for the Cleve for their weekend series with the Indians. Sassy Senior Jorge Cantu has been getting a case of the vapors and may not start today after leaving yesterday's game early. The team doctor thinks the dizzy spells are a side effect to medication he's taking for cholesterol issues. I am not making this up.

  • 1:10PM EDT, Pirates at Braves: How bad are things for the Pirates? Their ace pitcher Paul Maholm went seven straight starts without winning before last Saturday. He'll take to the mound today in hopes of splitting the four-game series for Pittsburgh. He'll face Javy Vazquez who has his own problems getting run support from the Braves offense. I expect this game to end with a score of 32-19.

  • 2:05PM EDT, Tigers at White Sox: Ding ding ding this is the game that the Suss will glog, let us rejoice and be glad. It's Ozzie versus Leyland, Edwin Jackson versus Gavin Floyd, and the Big Tilde versus The Big Dildo. Come back here at 2 and tell all your friends that we're building a comedy pyramid to honor the gods.

  • 2:05PM EDT, Rockies at Brewers: Sometimes, a team fires a manager mid-season and brings on a replacement guy who somehow inspires the team to go on a hot streak and play way over their heads. I can't imagine Jim Tracy is capable of that, so I'm saying that the Rockies recent winning ways are totally expected and they are finally playing up to their potential. Aaron Cook hasn't won consecutive starts since last July.

  • 2:05PM EDT, Cubs at Astros: Milton Bradley has one hit in his last thirteen at-bats. If you selected him in the middle rounds of your fantasy draft thinking he'd be a value pick, you were wrong. The Astros are sending the bloated corpse of Russ Ortiz out to the mound. What is this, 2002?

  • 3:35PM EDT, Twins at Athletics: Nick Blackburn is going to Nickgasm all over the A's lineup. He's 3-0 with a 1.33 ERA in his last four starts, and looks to help the Twins take three out of four from a previously hot hot hot Oakland team. Twins OF Denard Span has also been experiencing dizziness lately. SOMEONE CHECK HIS CHOLESTEROL MEDS, STAT.

  • 3:40PM EDT, Giants at Diamondbacks: It's Jonathan Sanchez versus Max Scherzer as San Francisco seeks out the series sweep in Arizona. With a 12-21 home record, the D-Backs just don't like staying in their own beds, they're adventurers! Give them a passport and a ticket outta town, Stephen Drew's loafers were made for walking!

  • 4:35PM EDT, Reds at Nationals: When their game ended around 1AM last night, there were just a handful of fans left in the stands at Nationals Park, but our favorite Nats blogger Screech's Best Friend was there to witness the proceedings. THE FINEST ASPECT OF THE TWO HOUR RAIN DELAY IS THE VALUE RECEIVED FOR SITTING CLOSE ENOUGH TO HEAR MANNY ACTA CUT A GASSER.

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Twitter might starve without the Suss/Tuffy/Jerkwheat Tigerspathos Tweet Triumvirate.

"I heard he can't run, can't throw and can't field, but the sumbitch can hit," is what one Braves player told me this morning.


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