What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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  • J.J. Putz, John Maine, Mets: It's never a smart move to overspend on a dude who's going to pitch, at most, 5% of the nearly 1500 innings a major league pitching staff needs over the course of a season. Nobody told Omar Minaya, though, because he did it on two dudes, one of whom is now borkened. Putz had bone spurs removed from his elbow; they're floating in formaldehyde in a mason jar on his credenza right now. Maine's on the deel just resting his weak shoulder. He's like veal.

  • Cesar Izturis, Orioles: Izturis is out with an appendix. Or rather, an appendix is out of Izturis. Easy Ceezy was rushed to the hospital last week after complaining of sharp tum-tum pains.The O's shortstop will be spending the next few weeks licking ice cream cones while he recovers from the surgery. Or wait, is licking ice cream cones what you do when you have your tonsils removed? I can never remember.

  • Eric Milton, Dodgers: The 59-year-old Milton, who had finally come back after recovering from Tommy John surgery, was placed on the DL with a balky back. Says skipper Joe Torre, "We just shut him down because of his history with the surgery and stuff." Yeah that 'stuff' can be really dangerous.

  • Josh Hamilton, Rangers: Stop voting for Josh Hamilton on your Home Run Derby ballots, people. He's not going to make a repeat performance after his recent abdominal surgery that will sideline him for four to six weeks. Heck, can you imagine how hard you'd have to swing a bat to tear an abdominal muscle? It seems as if regular folks like me only do stuff like that when we sneeze.

  • this seagull, some flock: Out with a sore wing, but it was all worth it to make Farnsworth lose a game.

  • Jorge Cantu, Marlins: Our favorite sassy senior needs his eldercare specialist to change up his cholesterol medications. That Vytorin was not only making his relatives look like foodstuffs, it was making Jorge fall down and go boom. Cantu will solve the dizzy spells by quitting the cholesterol drug during the season, which does nothing to solve his clogged arteries.

  • Brandon McCarthy, Rangers: Dude has a stress fracture in his right shoulder blade, the same ouchie that kept him out for a month in 2007. I have a revolutionary corrective surgical plan for Brandon in the offseason: have your entire shoulder blade removed and replaced with the Slap Chop. It can't be much worse.

  • Brad Lidge, Phillies: Out with infinite sadness.

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You "sports writers" are so full of crap.

How is Josh Hamilton going to recover from that abdominal surgery without painkillers? I imagine that kind of recovery has to be agonizing.

Baby Jesus is the only painkiller he needs. Praise be His name!

So both Ed Harris and Cerrano were wrong. Jesus can't hit a curveball, but He CAN help you hit one.

/sorry for referencing such a horrible movie, Dmac.

Bonderman hath been re-puff'd.

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