Baseball Before Bedtime: Crazy Rhythms

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Here's what happened in baseball last night when it was time to sacrifice:

Phillies 2, Mets 0: A month ago, if I had told you that Joe Blanton would outduel Johan Santana in a low-scoring summertime affair at Citizens Bank Pank, you'd have been in your rights to punch me square in the face and spit on my lifeless body sprawled out on the ground. Because making crazy predictions is grounds for assault in seventeen states. That prediction turned out to be true, thanks to the Mets weak lineup that gives Santana fewer than three runs of support on average, and Jimmy Rollins' 30th career leadoff tater tot.

Marlins 5, Pirates 0: Ricky Nolasco will do anything in his power to stay out of New Orleans. The gumbo-phobe was sent to the Big Sleazy in May after amassing a bloated 9.07 ERA in nine starts; since returning from the bayou, Ricky's won four of six starts with a tidy 1.53 ERA. I guess surviving gator attacks and booze-soused bead hounds will do a lot to a man's spirit. Ricky threw eight scoreless and struck out 15 12 Pirates to help Miami, FLA take two of three.

Astros 7, Giants 1: Randy Johnson wanted to follow youngsters Ryan Sadowski and Tim Lincecum in controlling the Astros' limp bats but an errant swing at the plate proved to be his downfall. The fellow they call Big Unit got an ouchie in his shoulder when swinging at a high hard one from Roy Oswalt and had to be pulled from the game in the fourth. All Star Hunter Pence avoided any glass doors and swatted a solo dong to help the Houston scoring drive while Rich Aurilia partied like it was 1999 and broke up Oswalt's shutout with a tater tot in the eighth.

Cubs 8, Brewers 2: It was no walkoff walk, but Jake Fox' two run homer had pop enough to support Ted Lilly's Kwality Start© and send the Cubs to a three-games-to-one series win. Speaking of that walkoff walk, some Brewers fans want to take the umpires' ball-and-strike calling ability away and replace them with magical robots; some used Jake Fox' questionable walk as evidence. I'd be fully in support of any technology that increased the number of walkoff walks because (a) shrimp are delicious and (b) it would increase brand recognition for Walkoff Walk©.

Rangers 5, Rays 2: Despite the normally big-bopping team amassing just two extra-base hits, the Rangers completed a three-game sweep of the Rays behind pitching, defense, and the dark art of human sacrifice. Elvis Andrus, David Murphy, and ESPN's jolly player-of-the-game Marlon Byrd all gave up their lives for the greater good, hurling their own bodies into the dark pit of flying out deep with a runner on third. Good news, born again Christians: Josh Hamilton comes off the deel today. Bad news, fans of the K: Chris Davis is getting sent down to Triple-A to clear up roster space.

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