Lady Lazarus - Today's Afternoon Games

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Many teams have off today, so the afternoon schedule is mostly snooz-a-rific. Six National League teams will do-si-do us towards the holiday weekend, unless your day off is Monday, and in that case, go screw.

  • Diamondbacks at Reds, 12:35PM: The two struggling lineups will go face-to-face with tough luck pitchers Aaron Harang and Doug Davis, each of whom sport sub-4.00 ERAs and losing records. If you like hitters lunging at balls outside the strike zone and whiffing, this is the game for you. Except Joey Votto, that kid's on a 10-for-25 hot streak since coming back from the deel.

  • Mets at Pirates, 12:35PM: Yesterday, I mentioned that this would be the Mets weekend series, which is ridiculous, because I'm going to root root root for the home team when the Mets visit the Phillies on Saturday. Instead, this is a mere makeup of a game postponed by rain showers back on June 3; if the Pirates hold form, it'll be a four-game sweep. Tim Redding and his 6.35 ERA will do his best to prevent that.

  • Astros at Padres, 3:35PM: Wait, these two teams have been playing each other all week long? Whoops! But hey, get excited Padres fans because your team just hired Bob Melvin! San Diego looks for the split of the four-gamer behind Kevin Correia, he of the 4-1 record with a 2.41 ERA in his last five outings.

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Those first two games are loudly begging for a special edition, pre-holiday, wraparound liveglog.

If you keep using hockey terms, Rob is gonna get angry.

But GF is on to something. WHIP!A!ROUND! WHIP!A!ROUND!

I love you dudes. Let me finish my cold fish tacos though.

Looks like the Mets game is in rain delay and blacked out on my computer. Plus, it features the Mets.

Also, Rob, 2 Phillies games in 2 weekends? My my, aren't you just the fuc%ing King of the Turnpike. Well, Joyce Kilmer is the King of the Turnpike, maybe you could be the Earl.

Cold fish taco is what I call my ex-girlfriend. is super slow today, which is bizarre with only two games going on. So let me do my best to report on the Diamondbacks-Reds tilt via the Reds radio feed on the ol' XM radio. We join the game in the middle of the second, Diamondbacks up 1-0.

Looks like the D-Backs plated a run last half inning on a Chad Tracy RBI single after Gerardo Parra walked and stole second. Rico, suave.

Rob's Cold Fish tacos are really Ceviche con tortilla de maíz. He's just too much of a mook to say it right.

Bottom second: Gomes flies out, Hanigan walks.

If anyone has any lynx for the Linkpunch, post it here and I'll stick it in.

This is the second consecutive year in which I cannot understand why the Diamondbacks are not good.

Chris Dickerson strikes out, Davis' first K. Speaking of K, did you read this?

Janish grounded out. END OF SECOND INNING, y'all.

Tangent from cold fish tacos:

My wife and I got a gift card for Draeger's at our wedding in March (a specialty food store, kinda like Whole Foods but snazzier. Phillas knows what I'm talking about), along with the suggestion we use the gift card for a cooking class, which the store offers. So we did it last Saturday. It was a gourmet mexican class.

Along with a constant supply of top-shelf margaritas which got me drunk, we made a seafood cocktail with charred-onion salsa and fish tacos with a jalapeno-creme sauce, among other things. It was awesome and I am more than happy to pass along the recipes.

Hey look, baseball!

Doug Davis strikes out to start the THIRD INNING. Hey, remember when the Diamondbacks wore purple? I salute them for ending that silly experiment. They wear road grey today with that "Sedona red" trim.

Felipe Lopez lines out. Two down.

Stephen Drew struck out, MIDDLE OF THIRD.

Here's a useful and informative link:

You do not want to be an 8, folks.

Aaron Harang smacks a hard liner but right into Stephen Drew's glove. Willy Tavares, possibly the worst leadoff hitter since the glory days of Corey Patterson, pops out to short left.

The radio folks tell us to be careful with fireworks around the youngsters this weekend. I agree, those fucking kids always ruin fun.

Hairston walks, Votto singles. Two on, two out. A young Votto up there sneers with his Perfect Game USA shirt.

Everyone loves a good list.

Oh, and Rob stop baiting njpanick with your "Glory Days" references.

My city doesn't allow fireworks :(

Brandon Phillips flies out to the warning track to end the THIRD INNING.

Since when do you follow the rules, Fartie?

Hey, remember when the D'Backs let Elmer Dessens pitch for them? I salute them for ending that silly experiment, too.

My city does not allow fireworks, either. That doesn't stop people from crossing the Columbia and purchasing fireworks in WA, though.

Several years ago, I flew in from a business trip the night of July 4. Portland looked like Baghdad from above; every neighborhood had stuff flying all over the place.

The NL Central is so piss-poor, even the Astros are only 4 games out of first. Then again, the NL East sucks pretty hard too. Okay, so the entire National League minus the Dodgers is shitty.

FOURTH INNING: Justin Upton strikes out looking.

Did you know that fireworks purveyors are not allowed to advertise on broadcast in the state of PA? Looks like it's newsprint only, Sheckie.

PA fireworks purveyors are allowed to erect billboards in NJ begging folks to cross the border and buy their wares, since fireworks cannot be legally sold in NJ. Or used, for that matter.

fireworks illegal? I thought this was America!

another baseball link

Surprise, surprise: Mark Reynolds goes down swinging, like Benny Goodman.

Gerardo Parra walks, Miguel Montero smacks a single, and Chad Tracy is up with two on and two out.

Tracy flies out to Tavares, and the half inning is D-U-N done.

For your commercial break, I give you....HUNGRY KITTY BEGS FOR FOOD

Other news of the day: Rockies trade super-utility dude Jeff Baker to the Cubbies for a prospect named...seriously...Alberto Alburquerque. That's a mouthful, son.

Jonny Gomes smashes a double against the wall, just missing a homer by thatmuch.

My Legal Studies teacher had one hand. He lost the hand from playing with fireworks as a kid.

He used to carry tests under the nub and also comb his hair over with it.

I think Alberto Alburquerque was one of Warner Bros.' less successful racially insensitive cartoon characters.

Infield single for Ryan Hanigan as his bunt gets past pitcher Doug Davis. If you know Ryan Hanigan like I know Ryan Hanigan, he's not the kind of fella to reach first safely on a bunt.

He's so klutzy he tripped on Chad Tracy's foot crossing first. Gomes to third.

Chris Dickerson ropes a single into center, and the game is tied at one apiece. Hanigan stumbles into second, huffing and puffing.

In Soviet Russia, street crosses YOU!

In Great American Ball Park, Paul Janish fouls a bunch of pitches off before walking to bloat the bases with nobuddy out.

Aaron Harang pops out to second. INFIELD FLY RULE?!? They didn't call it on the radio. Maybe the ball didn't get high enough.

Seriously, Marty and the other two boobs are talking about Hannah Montana more than baseball. One out.

Tavares grounds to third and Reynolds fields and gets the runner at home. Two out.

Hairston grounds out to third and the Reds just wasted a bases-loaded, nobody out situation.

1-1 at the end of the FOURTH INNING.

That's enough to make Reds fans puke.

Top of the FIFTH INNING.

Alex Romero attempts to bunt his way on and fails miserably.

Marty Brennaman announces that some broad at the game is celebrating her 103rd birthday. She's old enough to remember when baseball was played without lights or negroes.

Doug Davis pops out and Felipe Lopez laces a single to left.

I am going to fall a-fucking-sleep listening to the Reds broadcast crew. Jonny Gomes snags a Stephen Drew liner to end the half inning.

here's something fun for people from NJ or for those of us who have been to the NJ shore.

Curse you, UU for putting up a video of my prom weekend.

Something happened in the bottom of the fifth but I was too busy watching Guido Beach.

First and third, two outs.

Dickerson walks and the bases are loaded once again for the Redlegs. Paul Janish at the dish. He's dishy!

Janish strikes out on a full count to end the inning.

It's a LOB party for Cincinnati today!

Rob said Hannah Montanna and boobs in the same sentence.

Chris Hansen is on his way over.

Justin Upton strikes out to lead off the SIXTH INNING. That's Harang's seventh K. Poor dude is really struggling to get the run support, though.

Mark Reynolds...slams a ding-dong! 2-1 Arizona.

That's his 22nd homer, into the sun deck in right field, whatever that is.

Guido Beach could not be more awesome.

Via Vulture:

"Are you kidding me? He bit a hole in my daughter’s hand! Rashida’s hand. Rashida Jones — did you see I Love You, Man? That’s my daughter. She was a little girl. And Bubbles bit her hand. Michael used to bring [boa constrictor] Muscles and Bubbles by the house all the time, you know." —Quincy Jones on Michael Jackson's monkey [GQ via Golden Fiddle/Tumblr]

Parra flies out. Two down.

Montero flies out. Three down, middle of the sixth.

Gorge, makes you want to book a flight to NJ don't it.

But seriously I like Jersey, went down to Wildwood Crest for vacation a couple of years ago. The one bad thing I can say about Jersey is that my ex from college is from Edison.

Harang and Tavares line out. The broadcast folks are implying that Davis is 'not fooling anyone' anymore and that this should be his last inning. COULDA FOOLED ME.

Hairston squiggles out to first. END OF THE SIXTH

That Wildwood video is everything I love about the internet. If you deflate the hair a little bit and lose the Philly accents, that was pretty much every summer for me in Point Pleasant.

This just in: the Diamondbacks don't have very much name recognition, do they?

@njp, aah Pt. Pleasant and Jersey Mike subs. I'm guessing you've seen Backstreets play at Jenkinson's at least once in your life.

This just in: Mets and Pirates are actually playing.

Currently 4-0 Pirates in the bottom of the 3rd.

Chad Tracy strikes out. That's eight punchouts for Harang, nine if you count the asshole cabbie who complained about not getting a big enough tip.

This is the second time in a week here that my lack of Jerseyesque is preventing me from understanding much of what is being said. Maybe I can sign up for a Berlitz class.

Alex Romero walks and Doug Davis bats for himself. This is a poor idea, as Davis pops out attempting a bunt.

RBI double (hit the wall on the fly) and it's now 5-0 Pirates. Mets' starter Tim Redding's day is done.

@Gorge, I'm sure Rob will be happy to teach you.

I'm blaming the 5-0 at PNC Park on the fact that the Mets are sharing their hotel in Pitt with a furry convention

Romero steals second. Lopez lines out. SEVENTH INNING STRETCH, Y'ALL!

Here's a cheery oldie-but-goodie. Get on your feet.

Go Pirates.

This mini-comments-glog will end at 3PM so I can listen to the Opie and Anthony replay.

Joey Votto flies out.

@Gorge - Oh, you didn't see that Rob changed the masthead?

In which Rob Iracane and a band of misfits discuss the present state of fried foods, argue the musical qualities of rock performers, wax nostalgic about New Jersey, and occasionally mention baseball.

Phillips flies out to Parra, two down.

Gomes strikes out, that's seven full innings, and this miniglog is doneskis. Feel free to keep commenting here until WQ drops at 4PM, y'all.


Paul Maholm o' the Pirates got the bases-loaded-nobody-out K that every pitcher needs. Santos, GET OUT

They tore into some schmuck who posted his best man's speech on youtube. Right around 90 minutes in. Good stuff.

I looked for it, but the guy has since taken it down. Hmmmm.

Just like that, Daniel Murphy slaps a pinch-hit two-run single, then The Ultimate Slap Hitter Luis Castillo goes 4-6-3. 5-2 Pirates, three and a half innings in the books.

@UU - Weekend Questions. Long weekend, y'all.

SNY reporter just said "You could see the disappointment in his voice." uh huh, suuure...

Thanks njp, I've been here long enough I should have known that.

So, for you Jersey guys and other lovers of Jersey culture: Would it be safe to assume that 4th of July is the Jamookiest of holidays?

I was in Jersey for the first time this past Saturday.

People really don't like wearing sleeves there.

I've never stayed in Jersey. I've only driven through it a few times... and I blew a tire on one of those occasions.

Mets just tied the game at 5 and chased the Pirates' starter in the fifth inning.


I think Memorial Day might edge out Indy Day in terms of overall jamookiness. Since so much of the Jamook culture is directly tied to the Jersey Shore, the annual "first weekend of summer" really brings out the best in people.

@Gorge, what njp said. This is especially true for Seaside heights.

@njp @UU

Fascinating. I knew it had to be a warm weather occasion, and I thought that adding fireworks might tip the scales, but your assessment sounds perfectly reasonable.

@matt_T, I'm guessing it took you all of 5 minutes to notice that.


Here's a map. It works this way: All the New York and North Jersey guidos go to Seaside Heights (and to a lesser extent, Belmar and Point Peasant). All of the Philly and South Jersey jabronis go to Wildwood. The further you get from these places, the nicer it gets (Bay Head, Spring Lake, and Sea Girt to the north, Avalon and Stone Harbor to the south.)

Then there's LBI, which is right in the middle and a pain for anybody to get to. It's a heady mix of wealthy families, wealthy college kids, and yuppie 28-year olds.

In terms of MTV-style bars per capita, it really doesn't get any better than the Belmar-to-Seaside corridor.

OMG you guys, two on and no out for the Reds in the ninth.

Nevermind, two on and one out in the ninth for the Reds. Down 2-1.

Fielders choice for Drew Sutton, making his major league debut, tying run scores. 2-2.

And I'm going to Manasquan for a week in August, which is between Belmar to the north and Point (Un)Pleasant to the south.

Extra innings for the Reds and Dbags.

Exactly 5 minutes.


/has Doug Davis on fantasy team
//nobody cares about my fantasy team


Awesome intel. I feel like I will now be able to follow some of these conversations.

Then again, you're talking to someone who only this week found out that people park in the middle of Broad Street in South Philly.

And oh yeah nobody really goes to the beach in Atlantic City except for the kids of degenerate gamblers who couldn't even bother to take their family somewhere fun for vacation.

@Gorge, and if you want to blow your pay check don't forget that Atlantic City has 24 hour gambling.

My in-laws, who are from the Philly area, just found that out 2 months ago. So don't feel bad.

And holy crap how did I forget Manasquan. It's like Seaside for 22-29 year olds who wouldn't be caught dead in Seaside. I like to call it "the Hoboken of the Shore."

That's pretty accurate.

I've spent about 14 minutes in Atlantic City. Similar, depressing vibe that you find in most second-rate gambling towns (e.g. Reno). Lots and lots of desperation, with not nearly enough happy stuff to make up for it.

Reading my comments, I'm noticing an air of superiority. Make no mistake, I think Manasquan is a blast. I loved my summers growing up going to Point Pleasant. And when my wife's family offers up their Wildwood Crest condo every summer, I jump at the chance. I HEART JAMOOKABIES

The Jamook's beach beverage of choice? I'll blindly guess Miller Lite in a plastic bottle.

No drinking on the beach in Jerz. Unless you have a beachfront shack like I do, and in that case it's Bud Lights (or BLTs) all the way.

"Bud Lights (or BLTs)"

bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches?

also, the Mets are now winning.

Yeah, fancypants Iracane is right, no booze on the beach. Therefore: preferred on-beach alcoholic beverage of the Jamook? Either pre-mixed Captain and Coke or Gatorade and vodka. Or vodka in anything, really.

You guys up north do make some good beers, Brooklyn Weiss, Ithaca Apricot Wheat and Bluepoint Toasted lager were fantastic.

damn, when was the last time the comments hit the century mark?

And you guys in the south make delicious... chicken?

You guys really could teach a college course in this stuff.


Maybe an early-season liveglog? Also, WoW hit 26,000 comments recently. Who was 25k?

Moonshine - HoneyNJIchiroPanick

Just to wrap things up...

The Reds had bases loaded in the bottom of the tenth but Joey Votto singled in the winning run instead of letting us get our shrimp on.

Weekend Questions is posted, y'all.

HoneyNJIchiroPanick sounds like a deliciously hoppy summer lager or an experimental Japanese power-trio.

Also, congrats to Ed Berger, who made the during Sooze's liveglog with that dreamy pic of Josh Beckett.

YES! That, O Mr. njpanick, Professor of Jamookiness, is the best news I've heard all day.

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