New MLB Software Rates Defense: Adam Dunn is So Totally Screwed

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The defensive revolution marches on! Franklin Gutierrez, get ready for a huge pay raise, thanks to new-fangled computerators that will tell your boss just how friggin great you are in center field:

A new camera and software system in its final testing phases will record the exact speed and location of the ball and every player on the field, allowing the most digitized of sports to be overrun anew by hundreds of innovative statistics that will rate players more accurately, almost certainly affect their compensation and perhaps alter how the game itself is played.

Teams have begun scrambling to develop uses for the new data, which will be unveiled Saturday to a group of baseball executives, statisticians and academics, knowing it will probably become the largest single advance in baseball science since the development of the box score. Several major league executives would not publicly acknowledge their enthusiasm for the new system, to better protect their plans for leveraging it.

Other major league executives didn't publicly acknowledge their enthusiasm for the new system because, to be honest with you, Frank McCourt still can't figure out how to read those darn text messages his grandson keeps sending him, let alone use a computer.

Players are mostly upbeat about the new system; Gold Glove winning center fielder Vernon Wells thinks it's the cat's pajamas because fans in Toronto will stop whining about how overpaid he is if they knew how valuable he was defensively. Scott Rolen, on the other hand, demurs:

"I don't believe that baseball is a game that can be encapsulated that way. That's the beauty of the whole game."

Yes, Scott. Baseball's beauty can only be truly expressed in lusty poetry and metaphorical song. Embrace the now, Scott!

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Jamie McCourt would like to know if this can technology can be used on Little League diamonds.

If Rick Ankiel (x) is headed east at 18 mph and a wall (y) is standing still, who much drag (d) must his mustache (z) provide to prevent breaking his neck (n)?

Arizona State Police will use the same technology to ticket speeding beat writers who make hasty retreats to In 'n Out during Spring Training.

Pictured at left: real-time shot of Oakland's attendance levels during the playoffs.

Key - Empty Seats: grey.
Full Seats: Red X's

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