Paul Bako: Godless Heathen

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heist!.jpgWhen I composed my irrational plea for shrimp yesterday, I didn't really think there was a chance. 2.23%? No shot, even that low percentage chance was too high. When the lowly Pirates raced out to a 3 and later 5 run lead, I had given up hope.

The drunken power of 40 people who share a great love of Jenny Lewis, gourmet food, and Guy Clark took over. The baseball gods heeded our collective plea, and intervened. Canadian saint Matt Stairs set the wheels into motion, hitting a key home run. Moments later Ryan Howard cleared the bases to tie the game. But that had to be it, right?

A ground rule double, an intentional walk and infield single loaded the bases. HOLY SHIT, THERE IS GOING TO BE A DAMN WALKOFF WALK!! But no, Paul Bako couldn't wait. He had to line the game-winning single to send 45 170 people home happy and 40 people home to the bar content but not quite delirious, all too keenly aware of how close they came.

I'm not one for hyperbole, but had last night's game ended in a walkoff walk it would have been the greatest thing in the history of the internet, possibly of all time. Instead lots of beer was imbibed and a night was unforgettable rather than the stuff of legend. I can't wait until next year. Search "#heist" on Twitter for a recap of the goodness.

Other Stuff Happened Too

Not really. The Yankees hit 5 home runs and lost. Tim Stauffer of Last Best League fame made his first start in two years. Sadly he's employed by the Padres so he lost.


Expect many quick games. Umpires like vacations also. Look for Josh Johnson and Clayton Kershaw to continue their awesomeness. No night game so go see The Hurt Locker.

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I had an absolute blast. Great to meet all of you. Especially you Lobster Baby button

It was a helluva game despite the lack of shrimp. Thanks, Drew, for keeping our readers abreast of the action. Your presence at the Heist was sorely missed. Good to meet everyone!

The final version of that card is at

Scorer's notes:

1) You can see it in the above picture, but the official weather of the game was "Drunk", officially amended by Enrico to "Drunk, With A Chance of Blackout."

1a) Seriously though, the weather held until exactly 5 seconds after the game was final and then, rain. How awesome is that?

2) I'm usually OCD about getting to the park by first pitch but you'll note we did not. Sometimes you need to stay in the parking lot for 6-9 outs to finish up matt_T's handle of Firefly.

3) If you need more legroom for scoring at the ballpark, use loud profanity until the Abigail Breslin lookalikes in front of you clear out in disgust.

4) Don't trust Phony Gwynn to do your scorings while you're out getting a Schmitter.

5) Don't trust Catshirt to not rain beer upon (or "baptise") your scorecard from two rows above you.


7) The official scoring for Ryan Howard's home run there was, you'll note, "HOLY SHIT". Then we started counting down BUS (Balls Until Shrimp).

8) If you want to confuse the shit out of a section at a baseball game, wait until the game is at its most pivotal moment and then get forty people to all start chanting "WE WANT SHRIMP WE WANT SHRIMP".

Was a pleasure meeting all you sons of lobsters. Same time next year!

The real question remains, who did Catshirt drunkenly try to make out with, Rob or Matt T?

Rob and Catshirt did have a danceoff at the bar and the sexual tension was palpable. I think Sally was getting a little concerned.

The pre-game weather forecast was 90% chance of thunderstorms between 6PM and 10PM. Needless to say, the magic power of WoWies prevented the rain from falling until the walkoff hit was recorded.


If Paul Bako is a godless heathen, what does that make Matt Capps? He would have been our patron saint if he had just stayed away from the zone. IF HE ONLY KNEW HE COULD HAVE BEEN ON A WoW T-SHIRT.

oh, WoWies. y'all sure do know how to rock it.

enjoy those lobster babies.

Some day, when my larynx is healed and I've got a new liver, I'll tell you all how much I love you.

Especially you, Lobster Baby.

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