Paul Bako Must Be Kosher But Lobster Baby Ain't Treife

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Although Paul Bako's free-swinging bat prevented a shrimp-treadmillin' walkoff walk at the Walkoff Walk Field Trip: the Citizens Bank Heist, that doesn't mean the forty guys and gals who attended the event didn't have a fantastic time. In fact, simply paging through the #HEIST hashtag on Twitter turns up some awesome pictures, including commenter MDT's final scorecard.

Shame nobody took a picture of the detritus in the parking lot after the pregame tailgate where forty people went through a couple hundred cans and bottles of beer , especially Clare's pequeno bottles of Miller High Life. By the time we made it into the game, Pirates centerfielder Andrew McCutchen had just clobbered a homer to put the visitors up 5-0. The rest of the game was a blur (except for the delicious Schmitter sandwiches) until the ninth inning.

Half of the crowd was already in traffic on I-76 by the time the Phils came up for last licks, down 7-3, but the Heist crowd was already joking that the team only needed seven straight bases-on-balls to earn the walkoff walk. Needless to say, we were shocked when the situation presented itself on a silver effing platter, only to have the platter upended when Paul Bako decided to swing at every single ball outside the strike zone. So instead of going home singing praises of shrimps on treadmills, we held our heads high knowing we had Lobster Baby pins (pictured).

Thanks to Miss Bee of Phillyist and WoW commenter rarebit for bringing said pins for the entire crowd. Heck, if I still wore that denim jacket from 1989 I'd stick that baby right next to my "Recycle or Die" pin. We were Red Sox fans, Yankees fans, Nationals fans, Braves fans, Tigers fans, and of course the requisite Phillies cabal, but we were all united by pins picturing a baby in a crustacean costume.

Miss Bee entrusted me with the leftover pins. If you West Coast/Flyover/Canuck folks want one, send me an email with the subject line "GIVE ME LOBSTER BABY OR GIVE ME AN EMPTY ENVELOPE" and I'll mail 'em out to ya.

Best part about the Heist, for me, was the fact that the forecast called for a 90% chance of thunderstorms for the duration of the game, yet the first drop didn't fall until Raul Ibanez crossed home plate with the winning run. When it comes to controlling the weather, the Chinese have nothing on the power of Lobster Baby.

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I'm sorry I missed it but I was at a graduation party where a guy was wearing a Ray Childress #79 Houston Oilers football jersey. You don't see that everyday.

Taking nerditry and metahumor to a whole new level, I've used Pitch Fx to prove that Matt Capps was in the wrong. Paul Bako couldn't have walk if he tried.

Info via the invaluable Brooks Baseball!

He could have fouled a couple off

If anyone watched Thursday night's Phils-Reds tilt, you would know that Paul Bako LOVES swinging at ball four with the bases loaded, even if it means nearly grounding into a fielder's choice.

Also, if anybody picked up the chunk of shin-skin that I left on the steps of section 202, shoot me an e-mail and I'll pay for shipping. I swear I slipped on a relish packet, but my wife says I'm just a drunk idiot. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I think we confused our neighbors in section 203 quite a bit with our chants of "We Want Shrimp!" in the 9th. If only they knew how close we were to going absolutely apeshit crazy asshole bonkers if it had actually happened...alas.

I just tweeted a couple pics from the heist (and wee hours of the night). search #heist or follow my ass to hell (Jiegel)

I know they're adorable, but I can't take credit for the ponies of High Life. That was all Juancho. I just drank, like, all of them.

(takes bow)

Why thank you, Miss Clare. And yes, we thoroughly confused the people with our chant desiring the shrimp.

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