Robot Players Will Strike Us Out, Consume Our Brains for Fuel

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As if the idea of robot umpires wasn't bad enough, the nerd patrol in Japan has decided to create robot baseball players, too. University of Tokyo professor Masatoshi Ishikawa has decided that every other important scientific advance has been accomplished and has chosen to take on baseball-playing robots before sexy-time robots. Bad choice, Masa.

People, modern technology is ruining America's pastime! Instant replay, Questec machines, partially hydrogenated fats in my hot dog buns...what's next? Some sort of magic surgery that pulls ligaments out of feet and puts it in a tired elbow? So, how good are these so-called "baseball-playing" machines? The AP reports:

The pitching robot, with its three-fingered hand, can throw 90 percent of its pitches in the strike zone, won't need any relief from the bullpen and never asks for a pay rise.

Oh haha, never ask for a pay rise? SO CLEVER, AP WRITER! Because baseball players are SO greedy, unlike baseball owners, who are just wonderful charitable people. The joke's on you, AP writer. Japanese scientists are already working on a special artificial intelligence chip that will enable the "Albert Belle" functionality and sit out of spring training to demand a better contract with more delicious robot oil.

How about the batters?

The batting robot, which has a sensor to determine if pitches are strikes or balls, hits balls in the strike zone almost 100 percent of the time, doesn't swing at pitches outside the strike zone, and is guaranteed to pass all drug tests.

Oh, a steroid zinger? AP writer, you've outdone yourself now! Once again, you're a little off base. Robots will never pass drug tests because they have no blood, urine, hair, or doo-doo feces to test. Besides, advanced object-oriented programming languages used in AI software is basically just HGH.

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With Mordecai Brown-Bot throwing 90% strikes and Ichiro-tron hitting 100% of the pitches, these games will still take less time than an average AL East game.

The Chipper Jones-o-tron in that picture will lead the robot charge to hunt us humans like tasty, delicious deer.

Big deal Japan, we already have a batting robot playing over here. He goes by Albert Pujoles.

BaseWars. Totally underrated game.

WOOOOO!! Matt_t, you said the Secret Word! WOOOOO! PUJOLS!!!

I use robot oil when I baste a chicken for roasting. It has a higher smoke point and keeps me running clean for up to 7500 miles.

+475 to njpanick for remembering the great roast chicken/smoke point debates.

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