Baseball players are often accused of being soft, of complaining about phantom injuries, and of being whiny little girls. I, for one, don't agree with those assessments but it takes a certain kind of man to get hurt over the All Star break. Lucily we have a few such Creampuffs.
- Jay Bruce, Reds: Remember when Jay Bruce started his big league career in the most storybook way imaginable? When Jay Bruce and Joey Votto were going to terrorize the NL Central atop their dark steeds and ride into the playoffs? First Joey went down with a 1000 yard gaze and now the other Red stud is out with a fractured wrist. Bruce hasn't put up the same caliber of offensive numbers in 2009; though his defense is among the best. Sadly it was a feat of defensive derring-do that landed Bruce on the DL for 6 to 8 weeks.
- Alan Embree, Rockies: The ageless LOOGY took a frightening line drive to the leg last Friday, fracturing his tibia and possibly ending his season. Manager Jim Tracy is optimistic Embree could return by September, as Tracy possesses intimate knowledge of Embree's deal with the devil. It keeps him in the big leagues in perpetuity and saves him 40% on moving van rentals.
- Scott Olsen, Nationals: The former Marlin delinquent and ne'er-do-well will not make his next start due to tightness in his left lat muscle. Don't insult my intelligence Nats training staff, I know an oblique when I read a vague description of one on the internet. "Lat" is short for "latissimus dorsi" in the medical community but known as "the rape handle" in the wallaby community.
- Jonathon Broxton/Cory Wade, Dodgers: Wade will actually head to the deel with a shoulder strain while Broxton's big toe kept him out of the All Star game. No word if Broxton's toe will keep him from closing out any more hollow victories during the Dodgers joylessly inevitable march to the NL West crown. Is there an outside chance that Broxton's injured toe is similar to the "injured toes" Shaq used to get when HE was horribly out of shape?
- Pedro Martinez, Phillies: Pedro signed and was quickly sent to the disabled list with a case of "old man ass." Petey will spend a few weeks annoying minor leaguers with his bizarre antics before moving up to the big club where he will likely spot start and further tarnish his reputation as one of the best of his generation. Just kidding, get well soon Pedro!