Beer Tossing Fallout Leads to Citywide Manhunt For Perp

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Things is about to get litigious in the Shane Victorino golden showers incident from last night. As per ESPN:

The Chicago Cubs and Philadelphia Phillies center fielder Shane Victorino have filed complaints with the Chicago Police Department over the beer-throwing incident on Wednesday at Wrigley Field, according to Cubs chairman Crane Kenney.

The Cubs will work with the CPD in pursuing the individual who threw the beer and will press charges. The Cubs are utilizing all of their resources, including video tape of the incident.

Good move, Cubs. That jerkoff committed a flagrant crime and deserves to be penalized to the fullest extent of the law. I hope he's banned from Wrigley Field for life and forced to launder Shane Victorino's undergarments for the next five seasons.

In light of the incident, our pal 'Duk wants Wrigley Field to get to the root of the problem, get rid of beer sales and host some dry games for a while:

However, I need to stress that I'm not calling for a Wrigleyville Prohibition simply based on this one incident. It comes after a series of events including Bobby Howry being challenged to a fight on the mound, Jacque Jones'(notes) head turned into a target for a baseball and more trash showers from the bleachers than I can count. Philly fans wondering why Chicago fans haven't been affixed with a similar troublemaker stereotype have every right to ponder because you can basically fill an entire rap sheet with Wrigley Field transgressions from the past decade.

Great point, 'Duk. But I say take it a step further and give every baseball fan a taste of what it's like to have a dry game: once a season, beer should be banned at every single ballpark on the same day. It'll be Prohibition Day, and folks'll dress up in the style of the 1920's with bowler hats and tailcoats and flapper skirts, curse out that cad Hoover, and dance the Charleston during the seventh inning stretch. Just don't make it the same day as the next Walkoff Walk Field Trip.

I may never get the "Prohibition Day" movement rolling, but at least I accomplished something today. Thanks to my incessant tweeting, I'm pretty sure Braves organist Matthew Kaminski will be playing "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer On the Wall" when Victorino comes to bat at Turner Field tomorrow night:


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I could blatantly steal from an Onion article for a joke, but instead, I'll just link it.

Lord love a duck, Colonel.

David Ortiz couldn't hit his wife on St. Patrick's day.

Robert Weintraub just got a boner.

And what are we going to blame when there are fights at a "dry" game? I'm thinking hip-hop music.

Nice, that would coincide well with league-wide No Way I'm Going to a Dry Game Day.

The importance of pre-gaming it, boys. I rarely drink at games. I just get drunk enough on the subway to last me 2-3 hours.

Also, if the organist actually does 99 bottles of beer at the braves tomorrow.
oh my god i might die of awesome

So would the Brewers be allowed to play on Prohibition Day, or would they have to change their name to the Milwaukee Speakeasies?

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