Cubs Beer Tosser is Sorry (That He Got Caught)

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The dastardly Wrigley fella who threw a beer at Shane Victorino has turned himself in and will face charges of battery. Johnny Macchione, a 21-year-old suburban Chicago resident, will be charged with a misdemeanor and faced the press after leaving court last night. Hey, he's all contrite, unlike that villain Michael Vick!

 

The transcript for you folks still using Netscape Navigator 1.2:

"It was a big mistake. I'd like to apologize to Shane Victorino," Macchione said after bonding out of a police lockup tonight, referring to the Philadelphia Phillies centerfielder he doused Wednesday night. "It really is nothing against him. It was a mistake like I said.

"The Chicago Cubs -- I'm sorry I disgraced you, the fans of the Cubs, myself, my family. And that's all. The courts will handle itself."

Uh, Johnny, a 'mistake' is when you stand up to cheer and accidentally knock your precariously-perched beer onto the field below you. But throwing a beer onto a poor, innocent Hawaiian athlete? That's just your drunk ass being criminally dumb.

(via the good people at Deadspin)


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10 Comments

It was just an accident. That's why he let Fatty Arbuckle take the fall.

Wow, I think I now have to get a "The Courts Will Handle Itself" tattoo before I take the bar next year.

FYI, Cubs beer tosser = unworthy of forgiveness, Mike Vick = totally redeemable.

a 'mistake' is what happened between Johnny's mother and father

Ernie Banks solemnly accepts your apologies for disgracing the memory of beer swilling racists everywhere.

Speaking of which, none of this would have happened if the beer had fallen in Ernie Banks' homer basket.

The mistake was letting Hawai'i in as a state.

So nobody's gonna point out the fact that she said "fifth guinea beer toss" (not once, but twice)? Really, I've gotta be the dick, again? Fine. SHE SAID FIFTH GUINEA BEER TOSS.

-Usually that just means that Rob's family is out of hooch
-Fifth guinea beer toss is a popular jamook tailgating activity
-WOP WOP WOP

In The Fifth Guinea, Orson Welles reprises his famous "cuckoo clock" speech from The Third Man. He starts by saying, "If I may quote myself..."

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