Darren Daulton's Movie Guide

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iftheyonlyknew.jpg You may remember, a few years back, the Darren Daulton book If They Only Knew, which talked about his, uhm, interesting ideas on existence.

I own this book, and I've read it several times. It's amazing; he even does the "add up the number of letters in words in order to prove something about 9/11" trick. But my favorite part is the chapter titled, "Manifesting in the 4th Dimension Multi-Dimensional Universe." It begins with this paragraph:

Have you ever seen the movie Multiplicity with Michael Keaton? The movie is about a normal guy that finds out there are three others that are identical to him. The concept of the movie is reality except we are unaware of ourselves in these other dimensions.

If you can answer "yes" to Daulton's question, you will know that his summary of the film is a bit lacking. And by "a bit lacking," I mean "entirely incorrect." I quote the plot summary of the movie from IMDb: "A man who never has enough time for the things he wants to do is offered the opportunity to have himself duplicated."

I would love to see Darren Daulton's summary of The Matrix.

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Have you ever seen the movie Batman? It's about a guy who is bitten by, and subsequently turns into a bat. He fights a maniacal clown which represents how we are all forced to give up childish things.

Darren Daulton's Dizzying Dimensions
His brain power is just too much for me.

The Matrix is a sequel to Parenthood. In it, the guy who impregnates the chick from The Goonies finds out where babies REALLY come from: they are grown behind the slide in Miller Park in pink pods filled with liquid cotton candy.

In the pic for the book cover, Daulton is telling a George Brett-style pants shitting story. The difference is, Daulton starts out by asking other players "when was the last time you shit your mind's eye? No, really. I did it last night. Not as bad as this one time, though, when I crapped my pants in the Bellagio in the third parallel. Except there, it's spelled Oigalleb, because the goevernment owns it."

Yes, Daulton adds an extra "e" to his spelling of government. Weird.

Have you ever seen the movie "Weekend at Bernie's"? It's an existential journey of two men to the Hamptons where they encounter the Grim Reaper in the form of a mustachioed corpse.

Have you ever seen the movie Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle? It's about two men who learn the true meaning of Christmas.

Under Siege was an accurate portrayal of Darren Daulton's waterskiing trip to Lake Tahoe 20 yers ago.

A yer is equivalent to 3 earth years.

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