Our pal Drew leads off this week's edition of "What's Up, Creampuff" because he went to a bachelor party last weekend and recapped it on Ghostrunner with the following excerpt:
Fast forward XXXX hours: I awake in the hallway of our hotel. On the 16th floor. A room attendant stands over me.
"Where is your room?" He asks sweetly.
Obviously, Drew was lying prone in a hotel hallway because he was raped by a wallaby. END MARSUPIAL SEXUAL ASSAULT NOW. I'll let the man himself run down your other 'puffs:
It is true. I was a victim of sans-consent pouch sex. And I'm not even half the Creampuff of most of these dudes. Two weeks worth!
- Justin Upton, Snakes: One of the best young players in baseball, felled by the most common and benign sounding injury of the year. THE Justin Upton is down with an oblique but figures to make his triumphant return after two weeks. Mark Reynolds tater tear during Upton's absence also made a Creampuff out of the "lineup protection" school of thought.
- Scott Schoeneweis, Snakes: Sadly, Schoeneweis is suffering from depression stemming from the death of his young wife. Tragic stuff, I'll choose to recall a much headier time in Scott's life. During his excellent 2005 season with the Blue Jays, I sat behind the bullpen and observed Schoenweis strut past a seated starter who chose to spend the game in the bullpen. Schoeneweis performed a strange, exaggerated walk; paused; and farted directly in the face of his teammate. Hurry back Scott.
- Rocco Baldelli, Red Sox: Not a bad year for Rocco, all things considered. Only his second trip to the deel in '09. His Socks are 3-5 without him, a true indication of Rocco's worth. Shockingly, it isn't Rocco's cells or plasma that have him sitting out, it is a bruised ankle suffered fouling a ball of his foot in batting practice. That is the true Creampuff we know and love.
- Gary Sheffield, Mets: Sheffield missed 6 games with an aggravated hamstring injury. How can one tell if any of Gary's parts are more aggravated than the rest. He came back only to be hit on the arm. Gary is now day-to-day with teeth ground to mush.
- Jorge Posada, Alex Rodriquez, Yankees: Posada took numerous foul tips and errant throws to his stubby, misshapen fingers. Alex Rodriquez took a pitch in his giant elbow pad. Posada will only miss one game while A-Rod will miss two. The lesson here: don't be a catcher.
- Evan Meek, Pirates: Meek is out with an oh-bleek. The right hander experienced discomfort for several days after sustaining the injury. If the pain doesn't subside he will travel to Whoville for a visit with rhyming injury specialist Dr. James Seuss.
- Jack Wilson, Mariners: The M's shortstop of
the futurethe time being left Wednesday's game after suffering an injury attempting to make a diving catch. He's day-to-day for now but is expected to make a speedy recovery, buoyed by the news that he's not Adrian Beltre.
- Rich Aurilia, Giants: Just days after returning from a crushing case of "you aren't good Rich" the Giants veteran is sent to the DL once again. This time he's caught "nope you still suck old man." The official cause of forced retirement is left ankle tendinitis but the roster manipulation says otherwise. Aurilia complained of "being achy" though he's confident he'll "be activated when...eligible." Don't hold on to hope too tightly Rich, you're liable to strain a oblique.