More weekend Creampuff madness! A light week for those light in the loafers. Nary a contused testicle among them. Loafers indeed. Back in the Mick's day, you couldn't swing a hooker on Quaaludes without knocking over at least three guys playing through testicular torsion. Pantywaists.
- David Wright, Mets: Yikes. The Mets just might set Wright down for the rest of the year after taking a fastball to the helmet. Head injuries are scary, stay away dreamboat.
- Hiroki Kuroda, Dodgesr: Double yikes. Neck braces aren't cool. Can't they move the mound farther back or something? Kuroda is progressing well after his concussion, showing few if any signs of post-concussion problems. I wouldn't fault Hiroki one bit if he quit baseball to spend 23 hours a day in his room.
- Jason Kubel, Fransisco Liriano, Twins: Kubel banged a ball off his knee while Franky Liriano's arm is pooped from carrying the weight of Minnesotans hopes and dreams since Johan left. Liriano is on the DL to rest his weary appendage while Kubel should take a couple days to contemplate shaving. Vote no, go full Klosterman!
- All the Reds, Reds: Dusty borkened them all. Hide yer Vottos!
- Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Rangers: The loss of the Rangers starting catcher paved the way for Ivan Rodriquez's triumphant return to Texas. Like Jesus, but with more steroids. Salty is out with recurring numbness in his right hand, likely caused from signing his mile-long name too many times. THAT'S A LOT OF LETTERS, AMIRITE?
- Jorge Cantu, Marlins:Jorge is out with stiffness in his neck, caused by the generous helping of scorn we've sent his way over the past two seasons. Our scorn followed him into the pool and held Jorge's head under water for a really, really long time. He kicked and thrashed, straining his neck in the process. He weaseled away because he's so sassy and also greasy. Jorge is day-to-day.
- DeWayne Wise, White Sox: Wise injured his shoulder the only way he knows how: saving something perfect. This time he dove in front of A.J. Piezynski's fist as the caustic catcher swung wildly at old people on the street. Wise didn't want to see A.J.'s perfect streak of 15 minutes without doing something obnoxious come to an end. "Not on my watch" Wise said while laying prone on the concrete. Pierzynski then stole his watch and walked away. Jerk.