Walkoff Walk Somehow Put A Curse On Matt Stairs

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matt.stairs.in.happier.times.jpg Things had been going pretty well for Matt Stairs. Last October, he hit his first ever postseason homer at the most opportune time, helping the Phillies reach the World Series. Then there was the offseason, where he presumably coached some hockey and didn't pay for beers any time he met a Phillies fan. Early on this year, Stairs was on fire. As recently as June 6 he had slash stats of .324/.500/.618. That was good for an OPS+ of a billion. Or, y'know, maybe less.

Stairs had some Walkoff Walk-related heroics, too. No, he didn't have a walkoff walk, but he did homer in the Phillies 5-run rally in the ninth at the Citizens Bank Park Heist. "CAT STAIRS," everyone screamed, and my girlfriend was all, "Why the hell are they talking about my cat?"

Believe it or not, Matt Stairs has not had a hit since that home run on July 11. He's on an 0-for-27 streak after a pinch-hit strikeout last night. He's gone almost two months without a hit! He's not getting a ton of playing time, but that's still an incredible hitless streak. I say it rivals Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hit streak.

Stairs says it's the worst slump of his career. He also said, "I'm just an old guy hitting a door with a bat," so maybe we shouldn't listen to him too much.

Supposedly, Stairs has a hitch in in swing, but is having problems correcting it with the limited at-bats. Please. I think we all know that somehow the fine people at the Walkoff Walk Citizens Bank Heist accidentally cursed him after his homer in the bottom of the ninth on July 11. Whatever one of you did -- I'm looking your way, Kris Liakos -- please correct it as soon as possible.

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"In case of emergency, hit door with bat" doesn't look quite as good on a t-shirt.

When he came up to bat, I turned to one of you fools and said, "Matt Stairs is hitting a home run to this section." It fell a few yards short. Did I jinx him? Or maybe he saw WALKOFF WALK on the scoreboard, and he put everything he had in that last swing, kind of like Gary Busey in "Rookie of the Year"? (Did I just make a "Rookie of the Year" reference? You bet your funky butt-lovin' I did.)


My girlfriend's parents saw the lobster baby button on her Phillies World Series champs bag/purse ($3 at Doobies!) and were really, really confused.

In related news, Matt Stairs apparently disrupted an Indian burial ground a few months ago. Whoops!

After the game, Liakos mailed Stairs the NO LASAGNA t-shirt and Matty has been wearing it under his uni ever since. Matthew: take it off, burn it, and move on.

My cat always loved eating my leftover burnt lasagna.

Also possibly culpable in this: Rob Neyer, who wrote on July 13: "As for Matt Stairs ... well, it's still early. He's only 41, and if this season's any guide, he's got plenty of good years to go."

I think we need to bring Pat Burrell back to remind him how good it feels to get his ass hammered by guys.

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