With the expanded rosters, there's very little need for teams to use the disabled list anymore. Everyone's carrying like 5 catchers and 83 relievers, so they've got depth coming out of their ears. But that's not stopping our favorite stars from getting hurt and being out for the remaining couple weeks of the season! No sir, creampuffery never rests, and we'll never stop having fun at their expense.
Besides, we have to keep you informed since it's fantasy baseball playoff season! In the Walkoff Walk league, the semifinal matchups feature commenters Jerkwheat and Chief Wahoo going head-to-head, while my own team faces The Colonel's tough squadron. Time for me to finally bench Milton Bradley!
Onto the VERITABLE M*A*S*H UNIT:
- Gavin Floyd: The White Sox starter left Wednesday's game early with a hip ouchie and will probably be shelved for the rest of 2009. It's not like the White Sox have a ghost of a chance, right Ozzie?
- Roy Oswalt: It's operation shutdown, Roy my boy. Fella has had back pain since August and won't toe the rubber anymore this year. Unless you're talking about the ribbed rubber mat in his shower at home. Roy's number one concern is shower safety. His number two concern is striking out Derrek Lee (15 times!)
- Lance Berkman: It's a tough year to be an Astros fan! Or an Astros player's back! Fat Elvis hurt his back lifting weights and missed a couple games this week. Get a spotter, buddy. It's not like Ed Wade is doing anything useful in the G.M.'s office, he can help.
- Jarrod Washburn: The Tigers starter hurt his knee giving up a million home runs this week and will probably miss his weekend start. To add insult to injury for Deeeetroit fans, the Tigers organization was fully aware of his swollen, painful knee when they acquired him from Seattle in July. Ouch.
- Andy Pettitte: Sometimes, Obama's plan for preventative care is best. The veteran lefty missed a start this week to rest an achy shoulder.
- Mike Hampton: This porcelain doll is shattered. Some folks feel bad for him. I can't disagree. He's going to miss all of next season after rotator cuff surgery. What could have been! He's such a schlimazel. Oy.
- Billy Wagner: Raped by a wallaby with an egg-shaped penis.
- Alfonso Soriano: Fella went under the knife for the first time ever to fix his ouchie knee, but was relieved to be anesthetized. Fonzie said he liked hallucinating unicorns and rainbows while the doctors scraped the bloody mess inside his kneespot.
- Justin Morneau: Broke his back carrying his ill-begotten 2006 AL MVP award.
- Chipper Jones: Ol' Chip hurt his groin swinging a bat which only lends more credence to the prediction that he'll retire after next year. He missed last night's game which, coincidentally, the Braves won. Maybe Ken Rosensquirrel was right!