What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt That May Impact the Playoffs (Real or Fantastical)

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junglepuff.jpgLots of Creampuffs get shut down for the year with varying levels of actual or imagined malady. The injury reports tend to leak out in a less than upfront manner at this time of year, as the swollen roster can take the hits a lot better than these Creampuffs.

I tried to narrow it down to men of importance this week. Unfortunately, the interesting and/or impactful people are all absconded deep in FORTRESS PITTSBURGH so I had to write about baseball players instead.

  • Bobby Jenks, White Sox: The girthiest closer in the American League is out for the year with some sort of leg injury common to fat people. Jenks was spotted in the clubhouse wearing a walking boot usually used to support the ankle or leg, here used to smuggle fudge into the bullpen.

  • Junichi Tazawa, Red Sox: The Japanese Red Sock of least importance was placed on the 60 Day DL with a strained groin Monday. 60 day DL for a groin strain?? Sounds serious. THEY MUST BE HOLDING HIS GROIN MUSCLES TOGETHER WITH CHOPSTICKS. Or they needed to clear a spot on the 40 man roster in September. A baseball-mad nation eventually turns its eyes to you Junichi, just as soon as they've found out what Ichiro thinks about Metal Gear Solid 4.

  • Marco Scutaro, Blue Jays: The surprising contract year shortstop figures to be done for the annum with planter fasciiatis. Or "a tear in the plantar fascia in his right heel." Either the infernal Fieldturf is killing Marco Scutaro or he secretly plays in the NBA. Have you ever seen him and Manu Ginobili in the same room? Italian last names yet hailing from South America? The same elaborate yet lazy alibi for a secret two sport star. Marco Scutaro will work your pitch count as he takes you to the hole.

  • Chipper Jones, Braves: First the groin and now the back. Ol' Chip is wearing down. Too much time in the dear stand, I reckon.

  • Nolan Reimold, Orioles: Rookie of the Year darkhorse rides a pale horse into the offseason after Achilles Tendon surgery. Another disappointment for Orioles fans and players. Reimold should recover in time for Opening Day next where he will join teammates Brian Roberts, Nick Markakis, Matt Weiters, and Adam Jones in futilely pursuing personal goals and accolades.

  • Bruce Chen, Royals: If you have Bruce Chen on your fantasy team, you deserve the worst the world has to offer. Your team can only be in last place of an AL Central Keeper league and your life could charitably be described as shambolic. Seek help now. On a cheerier note: Bruce Chen pitched in the Major Leagues in 2009? Dayton Moore should apply everything I said before to his tenure. You'd have to sign three Zack Greinke's to cover up the mess he made.

  • Numerous Wallabies, Sydney Rapists: Sand-raped by a vengeful God. The wallabies are on notice.
That is about it. Sorry Scott Hairston, you moved from one pitcher's park to another and put up worse numbers. Nobody cares about your ouchy hips.

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11 Comments

So...Jenks got gout? Either that or his femoral artery is clogged with animal-style spread.

The deer stand is dear to ole Chip.

Pittsburgh has always been a fortress. Once you move there no one ever comes to visit.

NOLS courses of the damned.

Sorry, Scott Hairston, but your brother is going to become the first ever Hairston in the World Series.

If the Yankees make it to the World Series, the Molina WS trifecta will be complete.

"Italian last names yet hailing from South America?"

just another reason not to trust people with Italian last names.

Check your facts, Colonel. Jose Molina was Bengie Molina's backup in the 2002 World Series and even got a plate appearance.

Fine, then. I'll catch up with you folks once this Godot fellow shows up.

Also, Shelly Duncan will not be the 2nd Yankee with that last name to play in the WS.

Seriously, how does a guy from the D.R. (Mariano Duncan) get a last name like Duncan?

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