Joe Morgan's Honda Dealership Will Be A Model of Consistency

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Joe Morgan, not content to rest on his laurels of being an award-winning baseball commentator for ESPN and general gadabout, has decided that now would be a great time to invest in an Ohio car dealership. Right, because that's exactly what the millions of unemployed Ohioans need is a new car in the Xtreme Depression. No worries though, he's investing in the top-selling Honda brand with car dealer extraordinaire John Voss:

"The time has come for a Honda dealership in Middletown," Voss said.

The opening date is a while away, but the process for opening a Honda dealership is a lengthy ordeal, Voss said. "It's a strenuous process," he said.

Joe Morgan Honda will cost between $5 million and $10 million to buy, build and open.

Joe Morgan has wanted a car dealership ever since he told Henry Ford how to construct an assembly line. Joe Morgan believes that Hondas are the most consistent of cars and never clog the highways. Joe Morgan believes that modern cars are good enough to sell but nothing will ever match the 1975 line.

Joe Morgan thinks that the unofficial Honda manuals written by Billy Beane are not as effective as the company-produced ones. Joe Morgan thinks that MPG is far less important than the size of the gas tank. Joe Morgan didn't really consider buying a Toyota dealership, as he hasn't seen one live this year.

In related news, Steve Phillips refuses to buy undersized Japanese cars because he can never fit in the back seat with his girlfriend.

(via OMG Reds)

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Fremulon Insurance refuses to offer coverage on any vehicle purchased at Joe Morgan Honda.

I'll gather my things and let myself out.

Joe Morgan likes Honda's impressive safety record. They allow drivers to survive "productive crashes." ie. careening into a telephone pole to let a firetruck pass.

Joe Morgan keeps naming Gary Sheffield employee of the month, for no good reason.

I don't care if the speedometer says the car is going 120 mph, this is NOT a fast car.

Over/under on the dealership closing is 11 months.

Pete Rose took the under.

All Joe Morgan Hondas will have the on-board computers removed, as they only tell you what you put in it.

Philips banging that chick was a worse decision than signing Mo Vaughn. Seriously, if you are going to cheat get your money's worth. Didn't Philips learn anything from Eliot Spitzer?

Also, Wait unti Morgan learns he's actually buying a Hyundai dealership.

So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hun

Everyone will go to Morgan Honda at first, but the pricing won't make sense, so they'll go to Miller Subaru and settle for something there.

Joe's thankful to have a dealership, but won't be truly happy until Dave Concepcion has his own Honda store.

The ESPN production assistant whose affair with baseball analyst Steve Phillips led to his termination has also been fired from the sports network. To go along with the fact that the man is a total sleaze, and an insult to the male gender, his wife slapped him in September with divorce papers, after his mistress stalked his family, although for the noble purpose of telling them how much of a sleaze he is. Apparently, the soon to be ex-Mrs. Phillips listened, and now Steve Phillips is going to need a new job, and a personal loan for a divorce attorney, and probably somewhere to stay.

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