Ted Williams' Frozen Head Was Balanced On a Can of Tuna

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There is no greater mystery in this world than the afterlife. Does heaven exist? Is there life after death? Can we ever come back from the dead and get cloned? We're so afraid of dying that we'll do anything to extend our life, even going so far as to have our favorite baseball players' heads frozen just so they can come back one day and teach Jacoby Ellsbury how to hit the breaking ball.

But sometimes, our best-laid plans go awry and science takes a back seat to the ways of the fat, lazy, incompetent American workforce. Larry Johnson, a former executive at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation wrote a whistle-blowin' book alleging that the lab's workers abused and misused Ted Williams' frozen head, even taking pictures with the severed noggin.

According to the chilling report in the New York Daily News:

Johnson writes that holes were drilled in Williams' severed head for the insertion of microphones, then frozen in liquid nitrogen while Alcor employees recorded the sounds of Williams' brain cracking 16 times as temperatures dropped to -321 degrees Fahrenheit.

Johnson writes that the head was balanced on an empty can of Bumble Bee tuna to keep it from sticking to the bottom of its case.

Johnson describes watching as another Alcor employee removed Williams' head from the freezer with a stick, and tried to dislodge the tuna can by swinging at it with a monkey wrench.

The technician, no .406 hitter like the baseball legend, missed the can with several swings of the wrench and smacked Williams' head directly, spraying "tiny pieces of frozen head" around the room.

The technician was obviously Jeff Francoeur.

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I blame the Jews. The Bear Jews to be exact.

P.S. Great photo work.

tiny pieces of frozen head

Wasn't that the b-side to Bjork's "Human Behavior"?

My head was in a similar condition after the last Wow heist.

"the chilling report in the New York Daily News" Hey-o! You could get yourself a late night talk show and a couple of staffers to bang and a couple of 48 Hours staffers to extort you.

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