Merry Christmas From MLB's Marketing Department!

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wow.annabensonclaus.jpg With retailers already stocking Christmas decorations and Christmas specials already airing on TV, it's time your friends at Walkoff Walk got into the act! Let's kick off the Christmas season by mercilessly mocking this article from about the Virtual Catalog.

It's that time of year
When the world falls in love...

When the Virtual Catalog launches at the Shop -- signaling the official start to another season of holiday shopping.

I swear this is the actual opening to an article about what overpriced products you should buy from Major League Baseball this Christmas.

When you put out the Forever Collectibles Holiday Decor. It's still early so let's get right to those ornaments, snow globes, stockings, candy canes and whatever else you might need to get your home into holiday mode -- baseball-style. It's what many of your fellow fans are doing right this second, and these essentials start at only $14.99.

Forget the recession, people. This year, you're going to give all your money to Major League Baseball and its related properties. I mean, really: What sport goes better with early winter holidays than baseball!

When you need the official site to be sure, when you know it's safe and easy, when you need help navigating the upcoming shipping deadlines. The Shop will make it easy for you to manage these. Guaranteed To Get There reminders will keep you organized if you push things to the deadline, as so many of us do.

Holy crap, he's still going on the "Christmas Waltz" theme. Yes, that Carpenters' song really does have a lot to do with Guaranteed To Get There Reminders. I am also extremely excited that will be there for me just in case I push things to the last minute, as many of us often do.

When a new World Champion drives the momentum, and that is happening right now with the much-anticipated "27 Collection" arriving at the Shop. Order the Yankees 27-Time World Series Champions cap or maybe a 27-Time Dynasty T-shirt. The line that will feature fleece, tees, fitted caps, jackets and hoody items, adding to the largest selection of title products in sports history.

I have to tell you, I've been anticipating this 27 Collection for months now. I was all, "Man, I hope the Yankees win the World Series, because then there might be a collection of merchandise involving the number 27." I am impressed that it's the largest selection of title products in sports history, too; last year I bought a pair of Philadelphia Phillies World Series Champion pajama pants. What other products could they have added?

You'll be happy to know the Carpenters' parody is over, and it's time for some marketing-speak.

"The idea behind this is to own Black Friday as far as licensed sports apparel is concerned," Howard Smith, senior vice president of licensing at Major League Baseball Properties, told Sports Business Journal. "None of us really imagined 27 would be what consumers would be focusing on, but since it is, that's where our focus will be."

Hey! Howard Smith! Did you just see what I wrote above? I've been hoping for 27-themed championship apparel since at least July. I am a marketing genius! Hire me! You'd be able to own Black Friday every year, even if it doesn't fall on a day that's coincidentally the same number of World Series championships the Yankees have won. (Last year's Phillies "November 2" sale was a bit too early.)

It's that time of year...

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say the "Christmas Waltz" parody was over? Ha. It actually continues for 15 more paragraphs, one of which is just, "When babies enter the baseball fold." (Yes, on MLB's site the word "babies" links to baby apparel, but c'mon.) Other exciting products include a Hideki Matsui 2009 World Series MVP Mini Dirt Collage. Is dirt (sorry, "game-used dirt") really all that exciting?

Let's just go to the last paragraph.

Right now, baseball season has given way to holiday shopping season. The Virtual Catalog is here. Soon enough it will be Black Friday, leading right into that wonderful Cyber Monday excitement on Nov. 30, and then one shipping deadline after another on into the magical holidays of December, when the presents are unwrapped.

That's about right. If you're wondering, it is, in order: baseball, holiday shopping, the Holiday of Black Friday, the Holiday of Cyber Monday, shipping deadline #1, shipping deadline #2, magical holidays of December. And pretty soon, it'll be time for Spring Training!

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Enough of your liberal war on Christmas, commie! Stop killing our baseball-memorabilia-and-apparel-driven economy!

All I want for Christmas is a YouTube video of Rob belting out Bon Jovi.

Where does credit card payment deadline (#1) fit into the scheme?

$18.99 for a long sleeve onesie? What a bargain. I'm buying one for my 7 month old nephew so he can shit and piss through it before he outgrows it in 4 months.

Coincidentally, the under/over on the total number of people that would ever read that [b]entire[/b] "article" is 27. That includes the "author," his "editor," the web "whiz" responsible for uploading it, and 3 other people at MLB Properties who belong inside sarcastic quotes.

All I want for Christmas are Phillies-branded HTML abilities.

The three x suggest teh porno

When only the best gifts will do, give the gift of dirt.

Ed, dirt is the gift that keeps on giving.

I actually went on the Brewers mlb shop yesterday to see if I could buy my brother (who is a Brewers fan) a Carlos Gomez jersey. Of course they don't have one which isn't a big surprise but they only have Fielder, Braun and Yount jerseys for sale. You would think that they could at least have a couple more players’ jerseys for sale. It's a virtual store; they won't run out of room if they put a Corey Hart jersey up there.

Could you buy your brother a Guy Clark jersey?

Shit, I knew that was going to happen

BCTF, why not just buy him a Ryan Braun Remetee shirt?

By the way, I found this article by searching "baseball" on Google News.

Oh, sure, somebody got rid of one of BCTF's double posts. Now my Guy Clark-ing doesn't work anymore...

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