There are days when you find yourself lying on a Pacific Ocean Beach letting the waves sing you to sleep. There are days when you're surrounded by friends, family and multitudes of other loved ones, and the affection warms you like a fleece blanket. There are other days when some crazy bastard is going to swing at you with a baseball bat.
In those first two instances you should savor each moment to the fullest. In the third scenario, you should duck.
On to this week's non-fatal/non-critical bat attacks!
- Our first story takes place outside Seattle's famous Pike Place Fish Market. You know it as the place where the employees throw salmon at each other mere blocks from where that one real world guy slapped that one real world dame with the fro. So obvs the place is no stranger to violence, but don't you think if someone was gonna get their bell rung it'd get rung it'd be with a fish? No dice. This week a guy got chopped back to the mound. But did he roll over and play dead like Irene did? No way, "After being hit with the bat, one suspect tried to steal his cell phone, but the man kicked the robber in the face." Solid.
- Nothing can come between two men like a financial dispute. Money is the crowbar that tears people from each other. Whether the amount be $50 or even $100, consequences can be serious. So imagine when the amount is $27,000 and you don't wanna pay it back. That's when you get driven deep to cheap seats by a fellow member of the Bridgeport, CT hispanic community. But take comfort in the fact that the news item will take no interest in why there was a $27,000 personal loan at stake.
- A miracle was averted when Richie Sambora discovered two fans on his roof weren't burglars and decided not to kill them. Tragedy struck when he returned to bed and no one had fallen off the roof. MAKE THE VIDEO ROB.
- And finally, it's time to dispense with the humour. It's time to get to down to business. You may notice the gratuitous use of the letter u when I just spelled humor. Well that's because Graeme Lloyd's Heathen Foot Soldiers have struck again Down Under. And as if that wasn't bad enough, it looks like they're hooked on bathtub speed. Two kids in Brisbane, one armed with a bat and one armed with A SWORD, have been holding up pharmacies and stealing the Sudafed. I got my eye on you, Dave Nilsson Jr.