People Just Like Saying "Kenesaw Mountain Landis"

| | Comments (25)
old bike.jpg

While you were wiping stuffing crumbs off of your lap and onto the living room floor this weekend, Bud Selig reminded us all what he told us over the summer. That he's retiring at the end of the 2012 season. Yes, in just two short years after Hanley Ramirez, Albert Pujols, Brett Favre and Felix Hernandez lead the Yankees to another title, baseball will be ushering its first new leader in 20 years. Even though he's going to be 78 when the day rolls around, Selig says his retirement isn't about being tired, it's about doing other stuff. Sounds like someone's been watching a lot of About Schmidt lately.

"This time I think everybody has the same understanding -- this time I'm done. I really am. I want to start writing a book. I don't have time while I'm doing this job, but I need to do that. I want to do some teaching. I did a little this past winter and I have some wonderful offers. God willing, on Dec. 31, 2012, you'll be saying goodbye to me."

That last sentence makes me think that Bud has been dabbling in the teachings of famed Mayan leader, John Cusack. And as far as writing goes, Bud should have started a blog a couple years ago, when publishers were giving any moron on the internet book deals . As it stands now, dude is gonna be 80 when that thing is finished. It's gonna ramble on for 3,000 pages, half of which will be about the weather. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that I don't care, and like anyone who follows baseball, I can't imagine a scenario where the next guy does anything but act as a Selig-style "caretaker" who's job is mainly to ensure profits and not screw up too badly. It's pretty much worked for 20 years now.

But that isn't enough for some people. Mike Silva of New York Baseball Digest wants baseball to reanimate the corpse of Kenesaw Landis and have that dude run things. Sure, he was a virulent racist and called "Baseball's Tyrant" by the press (catchy). That's not the stuff that Silva likes about him. He just thinks "baseball needs a leader that is proactive versus reactive," and that Selig "came across as a waffling politician." Silva must have really loved 2000-2008.

One of the very worst pieces I've ever written for this site was about trying to predict the next commissioner. It was bad because, I don't really care who's commissioner. And it's this kind of moronic analysis from Silva that makes me double back and do the opposite of what it's supposed to. While we've never been big fans of Bud around here, a call for some sort of Morgan Freeman in Lean on Me tough guy to step in and do... well what he's supposed to do besides be decisive isn't exactly clear... makes me think that I'd be just fine with another two decades of someone whose main job is to make sure the sport doesn't implode. Baseball doesn't need a hero; it just needs a gardener.

PREVIOUS: Thanksgiving Questions   |   NEXT: The Dirty Projectors


Possible replacements:

Corky from "Life Goes On"
Chancey Gardener
Geico Gecko

Another name people just love saying: Boba Fett.

Two words, people: George. Mitchell. Think about it: we could have a new witch hunt every week! We could finally get the investigative prowess we deserve. He could investigate why people tend to pitch O-Cab to the curb, why Vernon Wells fell off of a cliff (ostensibly speaking) or what really happened to Matt Clement. It'll be like having Ed Bradley at the helm. We could turn TWIB into MLB's 60 Minutes. We need this, people.

Another fun name to say? Oresetes Destrada. So much fun.

bol: don't forget the great job he did hosting "the Sports Machine".

Chief, and he was the lead singer for Wham!

If you want to get an even better understanding of George Mitchell's weasability, the book "Disney War" is a good place to start. He was on the board at Disney, and plays a minor role in the book, which is excellent.

"LET'S GO TO THE HIGHLIGHTS" /presses giant button

MDT, and he killed a bear using only a butter knife and his bare hands.

You don't need to re-animate the corpse of Kenesaw Mountain Landis - just give the job to Peter Gammons. Dead ringer. Also knows a bit about the sport. Bonus: will subconsciously screw the Yankees.

Also, Yevgeny Kafelnikov is very fun to say.

I always liked the way "Mr. Saito" rolled off the tongue.

Rusty Kuntz is another fun name to say.

Sure, the asshole decides to retire when the world is supposed to end. Why couldn't he sail into the sunset, and drop off the end of the earth like Columbus did?

Dolph Lundgren. Awesome name to say, would be a great commissioner of anything Earth-related. He could be the man forced to battle evil (Masters of the Universe), the evil badass (Rocky IV) or the destructive force that could destroy everything we hold dear (I Come in Peace/Punisher). A combination of these could be a chilling vision of things to come.

If we're going to reanimate the corpse of a legendary commissioner the list begins and ends with Gorilla Monsoon.

Baseball doesn't need a hero; it just needs a gardener.

I agree. The next commissioner should be Hispanic.

Wink Martindale. Not only a real name, but obviously fun to say. Plus, he could settle arbitration cases in a much more entertaining fashion.

Wink Martindale. Not only a real name, but obviously fun to say. Plus, he could settle arbitration cases in a much more entertaining fashion.

Giving Josh Hamilton yet another reason to beware the dragon.

Funnestest name to say? BUTTAFUOCO


So is Ron Tugnutt.

Ralph Nader for Commissioner, and then he can finally warn teams that Corey Patterson is unsafe at any speed.

Two names: Gary Bettman

Do away with the MLB Network and put most games on a network only 35% of households receive.

It's a plan just so crazy it just might work.

/it won't work.

Waaaaaait a second.

Kenesaw Mountain Landis

Kris Manchild Liakos

I do believe we have found the reincarnated Buddah of MLB

BTW, the edgier hipsters in Portland often rock highbikes, or whatever they're called. They'll take two or three cheap bmx frames and have someone weld them together (hipsters can't weld). They sit about 8ft off the ground and irritate anyone who has to get around them in the street.

They called penny farthings and assholes, not hipsters.

We need to fix our greatest mistake, what we failed to do in 1992. George W. Bush for Commissioner.

Leave a comment