Jack Zduriencik: "I Am The Biggest Boss You Have Seen Thus Far."

| | Comments (14)
Jack Z.jpg

Clever WoWies, I think it's high time we, as fans of baseball who appreciate nice, simple things, come up with a nickname for the Mariners GM. This would accomplish two things. First, it would probably save us the trouble of learning how to spell his last name whenever we talk about him. Going hand in hand with this first objective, is the fact that we probably should be talking about him quite a bit, because over the last two years it has become readily apparent the guy knows how to run a good organization.

He's been indirectly lauded through two pieces about players in whom Zduriencik recognized value where others did not. This, when coupled with his bonanza of offseason activity in recent days, including acquiring a Cy Young winner for a song, and fixing one of Bill Bavasi's biggest mistakes while landing a bat that could still have an impact if used properly, reveals that Zduriencik is not one to sit on his hands and hope for the Angels' egregious amount of Pythagorean record luck to run out. Rather, he's out to get them, and has already positioned his team as not only the favorite in the AL West but also the hearts and minds of adventurous gamblers.

Should we be surprised by all the outpouring of love for the M's front-office man? In truth, no. In digging around Wikipedia (WHICH DESPITE WHAT MY PROFESSORS SAY IS NEVER WRONG, EVER), I discovered some things I hadn't known before. Namely, the man's baseball experience is extensive to say the least. The Mariners are his fifth team, and he has had success in a plethora of different roles around Major League Baseball as a scout and executive. He owns the distinction of being both the first (and only) man to win the Executive of the Year award (in 2007) without being a GM, and he is also the first person in baseball history who was apparently not adversely affected by an affiliation with the Mets. In short, if anybody knows baseball, it would probably be this guy.

He deserves a nickname, and we're going to give it to him. Just look at him, momma always told me never to mess with a bald guy who wears glasses for a reason, I suppose. Let's give this guy a place in HTML history that will remembered forever and ever.

PREVIOUS: Cubs Censure Caustic Clouter, Collect Chucker Carlos, Cash   |   NEXT: Your Snowpocalypse Odds And Ends Post


Well, I put his name through the Jersey Shore nickname generator (http://www.unlikelywords.com/2009/12/08/jersey-shore-nickname-generator/) and it appropriately, considering the title of this post, spat out: "Juice Springsteen".

"The Zduriencikinator" really rolls off the tongue nicely.

"Mariner Jack" if you like pirates or "Mariner Jack Z" if you like anime.

He looks an awful lot like the rich guy from "Annie", doesn't he? Wouldn't "Daddy Warbucks" or "Jack Warbucks" work well? What if you spelled it "WAR-bucks" - a play on Wins Above Replacement and Seattle's own Starbucks? Ok, maybe that's stretching it, but it might still be able to work...

Well, I put "310tojoba" into that name generator and I came out as "The Tan-gent." Hours of mindless fun: engage.

Huh. Chief Wahoo came out as: Connie Capicola. I think I might like that better.

Dave Cameron's Sassy Grampa

MaxL = The Condition.

I put in "Dustin Pedroia" and it came out as "Sausage Party." My weekend has been made.

Fat(ter) Frank Black?
My Morning Jacket's Z

Slick Ugly
Pickle Iron Lion
Jack the Zipper
Cunning Cheese
Milky Double-chinned Jelly Bean

My idea when I started the post centered around if Gutierrez is "Death To Flying Things," Zduriencik can be "Life To Undervalued Things."

He's a bald man with nefarious and complicated plans to defeat an established superpower. "Lex Zduther"?

Failing that I think Lars' "Daddy Starbucks" works pretty well.


Leave a comment