Chapman Chooses Cincinnati, Craves Crazy Chili Concoction

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Did you know that people in Cincinnati like to serve their chili on top of a heaping pile of already-soggy and overcooked spaghetti? No? Haven't you been reading WoW for long enough now to note that every time the Reds are in the news we mention Skyline Chili?

Anyway, the Reds, under the direction of G.M. Walt Jocketty and team owner Marge Schott's racist dog's ghost, have signed Cuban defector and pitcher-of-the-future Aroldis Chapman to a five year, $30 million deal that will make him the most notable Chapman since Grizz.

Folks say that Dusty Baker will absolutely ruin this talented kid's young developing arm, but in reality, ol' Dusty might be canned by the time Aroldis and his Livan Hernandezesque rate of five walks per nine innings reaches the big leagues later in 2010 or in 2011.

Of course, because a middling team like the Reds paid the big bucks for Aroldis, we laugh and taunt. But had a big budget monolith like the Red Sox signed him, we'd sigh and say "Again, the rich getting richer!" Or something like that.

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Again, the rich get ri... Wait, what?

The Royals were totally close to signing Chapman, but they just couldn't pass up signing Scott Podsednik's busted knees.

Did you know that Cincinnati-style chili is found in Rochester, NY? It's true. Rochesterians, however, serve it on burgers as a condiment and call it "Hot Sauce".

Over/Under on Chapman's pitch count in his big league debut if Dusty is still managing the Reds: 150

Are you serious, Ed? Do they really call it hot sauce? I can see it in theory, but really using that term to describe hot sauce makes about as much sense as putting Reese's Pieces and grape Bubbilicious on bread and calling it peanut butter and jelly.

Also, days until a hack Cincinnati eatery makes a Cuban sangwich with chili in lieu of ham? 4.

putting Reese's Pieces and grape Bubbilicious on bread and calling it peanut butter and jelly.

What do you mean that's not peanut butter and jelly.
-Prince Fielder

Not every local burger joint does that, but yes, I am serious. I know it doesn't make much sense, but a lot of things in this world don't make sense... like, say, the idea of entrusting Dusty Baker with a promising pitching prospect.

Most famous Chapmans (Chapmen?) of all time:

Mark David
Steven Curtis


Rob, your exclusion of THE GREATEST CHAPMAN EVER is inexcusable.

How about the Chapman Stick?

/music nerd

Rob, your blatant ignorance of Johnny Appleseed will not be tolerated, either.



/twiddles thumbs until inevitable "See How This Justifies All My Idiocy" Mariotti columns appears

I'm waiting for Rob's post about Jeter getting engaged. It has to hurt.

Gaaah. FUCK I wanna stab myself in the eyes. Dudes: Save yourself the trouble and do not read a single comment on any of the McGwire articles.

In the spirit of McGwire's admission I have one of my own. Brace yourselves, Wowies, but the truth is that I like a glass of whiskey once in a while. Sorry if I've let you down.

That link is suitable for work.

FYI - Mark referred to himself as a walking MASH unit. Discuss.

Yahoo's yahoo Tim Brown unleashed a gallon or two of vitriol in McGwire's direction. Like the moron that I am, I read about half of it. WHY DO I KEEP DOING THAT TO MYSELF?!

From Bash to MASH. Here's the script he should follow:

1. gnash/wail
2. rend
3. ?
4. profit

oh wait. He already gots the money.

I am somewhat new to the WoW ways, so is the groupthink here that we love the steroid users like McGwire, Canseco, and Franklin?

I can only speak for myself, but when it comes to steroid users, I only hate the real jerks like Canseco and Palmeiro and Gregg Zaun.

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