Your Mark McGwire Confession Report Card

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Last night, the MLB Network scored a major coup as Mark McGwire, with an assist by former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer, sat in front of a bunch of cameras and chatted with TV sports gadabout Bob Costas. McGwire shocked the nation with his revelation that he used steroids for most of his career while Bob Costas shocked the nation by telling us that he packed two suits on his most recent road trip.

Because I am just as opinionated as a roomful of crusty old columnists, I give you my report card for the interview and the fallout:

  • Mark McGwire, B: Probably cried authentic tears, but never really broke down into a full "boo-hoo" cry that would have convinced a nation of amateur psychoanalysts that he was sincere. He never admitted that steroids helped him hit home runs, nor should he have said such a ridiculous statement. The drugs helped him heal; the drugs helped him get far more at-bats than his body would have allowed; the drugs helped him extend his career. You gonna hate a man for doing anything and everything to extend his multi-million-dollar career? Also, Mac never pimped himself as a HOFer, even refusing to answer the question if he would vote for himself; instead, he came off like a family man who wanted nothing more than to work as a hitting coach under a convicted drunk driver. The American dream!

  • Bob Costas, A-: Avoided both snark and softball questions (until the end, when Mr. Costas peppered Big Mac with such questions as "Are you going to miss your kids when you're on the road?"). Perhaps due to the peculiar camera angles, we were able to see Bob's classic blue suit in full, accompanied by a diagonally striped tie. Costas knew last week that he'd be doing this interview so he packed an extra suit with him on his previously scheduled football trip to Dallas. Now that's planning. Would have been an A+ if Bob asked Big Mac about how steroids affected Little Mac.

  • Interior decorators, D: The room where the MLB Network folks set up shop for Costas to conduct the interview was relatively plain and looked something like your nana's living room. Kudos, however, to whomever decided to display an elegant Italian platter in front of the fireplace.

  • Herr Bud Selig, B-: Bud released a statement yesterday that praises McGwire for coming clean all the while digging that knife into the players' backs, with this: "Being truthful is always the correct course of action, which is why I had commissioned Senator George Mitchell to conduct his investigation." Oh right, I forgot George Mitchell stopped baseball players from using drugs, stupid me!

  • Brian Williams, F: For wasting our time as a nation by opening the evening news with a prepared statement throwing McGwire under the steroid bus and not even having the balls to call Big Mac an asshole.

  • Any boob who links McGwire and Tiger, F-: Stop demanding that our celebrities apologize. It's embarrassing for all parties involved.

  • Baseball fans who think McGwire and Sosa saved baseball, D: Sure, it was a cute story back in 1998, but if you were one of the dopes who thought that famous home run chase "brought baseball back," go back in time and punch yourself in the face. The United States courts supported the players union and issued an injunction against the owners in March, 1995. That's what saved baseball. Good ol' fashioned litigation.

  • Jim Thome, A+: For coming clean on his own personal demons.

Who else deserves to pass this test or fall flat on their face?


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23 Comments

B+ to this guy for calling out Jon Heyman. And an A to Jon Heyman for being an ass.

My God, just think if Thome had been using gravy as well.

Michael Kay, A-: For his hard hitting analysis

http://twitter.com/YESMichaelKay

I could never be angry at you, Jim Jammers. Take all the ham you need.

Next celebrity couple

Ole Jim Jam and Jwoww.

Dick Vitale, D: For appearing on Mike and Mike this morning and ranting and raving at full pitch for 10 minutes about how the fans have been wronged, and how hurt he is, and how it will never be the same. He then went on to say that he feels cheated because he wrote out his $20,000 check every year for season tickets, and how he was duped. For those who don't know, Dickie V has season tickets to the Devil Rays. If I ever cut a check for that much money to the Rays, it had better be because Carl Crawford and Scott Kazmir are remodeling my kitchen.

I just had an awesome mental image of Crawford and Kazmir remodeling someone's kitchen. It was like a father and son work 80's work montage....

"WE'RE GONNA MAKEEEEEEEE IT!"

njpanick, Kazmir no longer plays for the Rays. Maybe they could send Matt Garza in his place.

/AL East bias

"We're gonna need a montage! (Montage!)"

UU - I was back dating that to like 2006, that's when I envisioned Dickie V cutting those checks. But then again, I suppose he's been doing it for years. So hopefully Wilson Alvarez and Bubba Trammell re-shingled Vitale's roof in 1999. I hear Dioner Navarro is doing the crown molding in Dickie V's guest house this year.

@ UU, better keep Garza away from the toolbox

/ neither do carpenters and html

Tim Brown, Yahoo: F---- for the sanctimonious bullshit he foisted upon an unwitting public. Good to know he's never made a single mistake in his life...

Boston_Keifer: A for the Muppet video.

A- for Costas for not handing Big Mac a hankie to dab the tears.
Show some goddamn manners!

That screen grab looks as if it's from a telenovela.

Sr. McGwire usted es un canalla trampa! Decir algo agradable sobre mi traje azul hermoso!

I think we should disable the comments from now on as none will approach the beauty or artistry of Gorge's at 11:08 this morning.

I laughed, I translated, I cried, I laughed a whole lot more.

Gorge wins. FLAWLESS VICTORY

Forget Big Mac, the Tribe continues to dominate the offseason. Let the Mark Grudzielanek era begin!

Was I the only one surprised to find that the Astros actually won the NL central in 1998? The way people treat that year, I assumed the Cards/Cubs would've had to do a 162-0 sudden death for the playoffs.

The 1998 Phillies' second baseman was someone named Mark Lewis. I don't remember this person at all.

I think what got me into baseball more was when the Phillies became a good team again in the 2000s.

D- to me for not checking the site for this story until now, since I thought you would just ignore it. Instead, it was an awesome thread. Quit kicking me, Walkoff Walk, I'm already dead.

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