You're Never Going To Believe This, But Florida Gator Riley Cooper Is A Total Honker

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It's been a good week for me as a Gator Hater. Tebow is laying eggs at the Senior Bowl, doling out excuses and getting ready to ruin everyone's Super Bowl by pontificating about abortion. Pretty soon he's gonna bug the rest of America as much as he bugs me!

And as if all that wasn't grating enough, graduating senior WR Riley Cooper, a former Texas Rangers draft pick, was just asked why he chose football over baseball. Below is the entirety of his dickish answer.

"I'm totally football. Was supposed to show up for my physical with the Rangers on Jan 17 and collect half my signing bonus. I told them that I appreciated the opportunity, but I'm going to do football. That's what my mentality is. The kind of person I am. I'm a football player."

"I met with my family at the end of the football season. We thought about what's best for me. With the type of makeup I've got, I think I'm a football player. I don't like failure, and if you fail seven times out of 10 in baseball you're going to be in the Hall of Fame. That's not my style."

Football is what his mentality is? That's not even English, Keith. Without debating the semantics of this backwoods yokel thinking that a .300 average will get you into the Hall of Fame, let's just agree with him. Not in his moronic disregard of the relative meaning of the word failure, but in his assertion that he's not a baseball player. A mind this dull was made for repeated bashings and probable conucssions. Not like it's going to make him any dumber. Also, dude should probably start playing basketball because I once read on a poster that you miss 100% of the shots you don't take so he's totally failing in that.

Thanks for your nuanced opinion on sports, Riley. Can't wait to hear what you think about reproductive rights.

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Never trust a man with 2 first names.

Said Cooper on reproductive rights: "Too many polez, not enough holez!"

I said
It's great
to be
a Gator hater

I hope that "don't fail" attitude helps you in the preseason when you're fighting for a few meaningless yards and get both knees shredded like cheddar cheese, thereby losing all your non-guaranteed money.


Cooper: "I catch every ball that's thrown at me! I succeed 100 percent of the time! I never get frustrated at having to run a convincing route on all of my RB's carries! Revis Island ain't got nothing on me!"


Not once does this article mention the little known fact that Tim Tebow and Riley Cooper are roommates!

The share an small place inside Dan Shanoff's anus.

So wait, this a white wide receiver saying this? Good luck with that, cracker.

The correct answer would have been: "I wanted to get an education."

Failures, per Riley Cooper:

Paul Molitor
Hank Aaron
Alex Rodriguez
Pete Rose
Willie Mays
Juan Pierre

See, Coop only got ONE of those dudes right. 16%, homie.

Kris is just upset that FSU got crushed by Duke again last night.

Jose Morales is a fucking INSPIRATION for Riley Cooper (who's named after an end table from a Pottery Barn catalog, btw).

In Cooper's defense, he probably got laid by hotter girls during the previous four years as a football player at Florida than he would have in whatever godawful towns the Rangers have farm teams in.

However, everyone knows that while football is a fine and enjoyable sport, it does not compare to that noblest of human endeavors, baseball.

Cooper then proceeded to yell "I LIKE FOOTBALL!!!" over and over again for the rest of the interview.

Coop is also leaning toward football so that he has his Tuesdays and Wednesdays free to scold fornicating teenagers and write letters on behalf of the Parent's Television Council.

/pile-on Christians

Within four seconds, Gary Danielson will remind us all that TIM TEBOW AND RILEY COOPER ARE ROOMMATES.

"Success is a Choice" is roommates with "You Miss 100% of the Shots You Don't Take."

Brooklyn Cyclones schedule Jersey Shore promotion:

Potential mini-heist?

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