Justin Duchscherer Has Weird Surgery, Shows Up To Camp High, Needs To Share His Drugs

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Lots of people have back pain. It's one of the worst but also most common ailments that occurs with age. You probaby have it sometimes, and Lord knows you aren't getting any younger, Grampy. But when you get an ouchie you just swallow a couple Doans P.M. and go lay down on the chaise.

Ballplayers don't have that option (from Feb to Oct, anyway) so they have to have insane procedures that sound both high tech and quaintly barbaric. Like A's pitcher Justin Duchscerer who had the nerve endings in his sacroiliac joint BURNED OFF. It's supposed to mitigate his back pain, but he may have to do it every 6 months. And the drugs have him more whacked out than someone seeing The Disco Biscuits. To wit, via Susan Slusser:

Duchscherer is still out of it. So much so that I asked if he'd driven himself to Phoenix Muni and he said no way, he's not allowed to drive yet; his fiancee had brought him over.

"I don't feel anything," he said, smiling widely. "I feel great right now. More than anything, I'm tired."

That's despite sleeping essentially from 2 p.m. on yesterday. Duchscherer woke up for at an hour at 9 p.m., then went back to sleep until this morning. "I need to clear my head," he said.

The procedure originally was scheduled for Monday but Duchscherer has had a bad reaction in the past to the drug Versed, which was going to be used. So it was re-scheduled for yesterday, and Duchscherer was given Ativan, instead - quite a lot of it because initially it wasn't enough. "And then....I don't remember," Duchscherer said.

If I had a nickel for everytime I've said "I feel great, I don't feel anything" I'd be able to just buy the Miller brewery. But Ativan, (aka Lorazepam) is nothing to sneeze at, what with its "five intrinsic benzodiazepine effects: anxiolytic, amnesic, sedative/hypnotic, anticonvulsant and muscle relaxant." Rad. Hook it up, Justin.

While MLB is kicking around the idea of HGH testing perhaps they oughta check for high Ativan levels. Imagine if Barry Bonds had not only tainted the single season HR record but also the record for most time spent staring at a Gatorade cooler (Mickey Tettleton, 1987).

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Screw his back. I want to know how his mental state is holding up.

In either case I want access to his drugs though.

That explains why Mickey held the bat the way he did.

That's nothing, Khalil Greene once went 1-for-5 while doped up on Klonopin and then drove home muttering "Can't let the baby get cold! Can't let the baby get cold!" before collapsing into a hallucinogenic coma on his condo's kitchen floor.

Justin Duchshcereurchrer is gonna throw a perfect game this year. That's the natural evolution for pitchers on hallucinogenics.

He's gonna use the Coliseum's upper-deck tarp as a Slip 'n Slide.
Wheee!!! I don't feel a thiiing!

I can't believe the post on this website asking a baseball player for his drugs was not written by me. Well done, Kris.

Khalil Greene got a hit once?

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