Idea Balloon Escapes Out of Clearwater and Ignites Global Shrug

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Hey, did you hear the big news? The Phillies are trading their big slugger Ryan Howard back where he come from, sending him to his hometown of St. Louis in exchange for The Greatest Baseball Player of Our Time: Albert Pujols. Howard for Pujols? Sounds like a win-win-win situation! (the extra 'win' is for Big Ink, who are reaping the rewards for so many column inches wasted on this topic).

But nay, this is just a rumour, and we all know where rumours come from. That's right, exploded from the desk of Buster Olney or one of his chatty cohorts. At least Olney spells out the improbability of such a trade right up front in his piece:

It's the sort of thing that is much more likely to happen in fantasy baseball than in real life, but according to sources, an idea has been kicked around the Phillies' organization internally, with discussions about proposing a swap of slugger Ryan Howard for St. Louis superstar Albert Pujols.

It's not fully clear whether the Phillies actually have approached the Cardinals with the idea, and even if St. Louis were to seriously consider such an offer, executives with the Cardinals would have to swallow very hard before dealing Pujols, a player widely regarded as the best in the sport.

Oh, okay, we're just losing our friggin' minds talking about an idea that was kicked around the organization, not an actual TRADE THAT MIGHT HAPPEN COPYRIGHT BUSTER OLNEY. And Amaro denied that such a discussion has even happened, making this a BASEBALL NON-STORY THAT IMPELS A WALKOFF WALK LISTICLE COPYRIGHT LIAKOS AND IRACANE.

Without further adieu ado, here are several more ideas that have been kicked around the Phillies organization:

  • "What if we installed moving fences that slid in 200 feet when the Phillies are at bat."

  • "We should do a blind taste test between Papa John's and Dominos. Thin crust? Are you nuts?"

  • "Let's give the shortstop a mitt that is 10 feet wide."

  • "I should start dating a movie star."

  • "We can save money if we only get the Phanatic costume dry-cleaned twice a year instead of monthly."

  • "Five simple words: osso buco on a stick. We'll revolutionize concessions!"

  • "It's not too late to get back Feliz and Myers from Eddie Wade. Or Bourn. Or Geary. Or Coste and Michaels. Or my stack of Sinatra 45s."

  • "Hey remember when everyone said we'd have flying car... wait where are you all going? I've got other pop culture jokes!"

  • "Let's write a new clause into Cole Hamels contract that forbids him from being photographed in bed for money."

Well, not all the ideas being bounced around the think tank in Clearwater are necessarily bad ones.

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Sorry, Philly. St. Louis doesn't want to trade Stan Musial for Mo Vaugn.

To be fair, Chris Coste is actually one of eight thousand backup catchers employed by the shitty New York team.

We cool and all, but you if keep perpetratin' that Mo Vaughn nonsense, and we gonna be LESS cool, feel me?

The Phillies also threw around the idea of $1 Schmitter nights, and soon received a cease-and-desist from the American Heart Association.

To be fair

That doesn't fit with the Walkoff Walk credo: "We are never fair, ever."

Everyone knows you can't do osso buco on a stick--there's no place to put the gremolata.

Also, if a blogger rolled out something as weak as this Olney story, the ink-stained wretches would be savaging that blogger right now.

I wish those were my balls instead of Pujols and Howard. Sassy Senior Sue Johanson is so hawt.

"Hey, Let's move the team to Weehawken!"

"Hey, let's get Brady Quinn in that Cole Hamels-condo ad!"

This is Buster Olney for Bleacher Report.

"We should sign a dwarf to pinch-hit."

The Padres were unavailable for comment.

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