For most of us, a delightful surprise on a Tuesday morning would be a phone call announcing a bank error in our favor, or an email announcing that our favorite hipster band was coming to town, or opening our car's glovebox to find a perfectly edible Snickers bar we had forgotten about three weeks ago.
It's the little things in life that normal human beings can appreciate.
For former slugger and current steroids gadabout Jose Canseco, however, a delightful surprise on a Tuesday morning is learning that FBI agents are on their way to his house to deliver him a subpoena, and then breaking out his Twitter-enabled mobile device to alert his thousands of enrapt followers of his exciting news:
OMG, no way Jose! How exciting for you! A chance for you to be relevant again, so soon after last year's massive press conference and book tour! Jose Canseco, having exhausted his baseball skills and embarrassed himself out of professional fighting now craves the media spotlight like a moth to the flame. He's got nothing left in his tank except to be an outspoken loudmouth.
In the past, Canseco actually defended Roger Clemens, telling a Congressional committee that he had no knowledge of Clemens ever using steroids or HGH. He wrote two dumb books and never pointed a finger at his former teammate, despite seemingly throwing every other pro athlete under the bus. I guess Mark McGwire once left the toilet seat up or something.
So, what's this subpoena nonsense all about, Alfie?
"One possibility is the prosecutors want to see if he will stick to his story in the grand jury," said Daniel C. Richman, a professor at Columbia Law School and a former federal prosecutor, referring to Canseco's defense of Clemens in both the affidavit and in statements that Canseco later made to federal investigators in April 2008
"Another possibility is that there are some details of his account that help the investigation even if he doesn't have direct knowledge about Clemens's alleged use," Richman said of Canseco. "He could have pieces that help fill in the picture."
Someone will have the unenviable task of informing Jose that these proceedings will not be televised or even liveblogged by Matt Sussman. No, just like your grand jury testimony (which was probably just as delusional as his daydreams), this is a purely closed-doors questioning. There won't even be cameras and reporters on the steps of the courthouse.
Alas, we common folk will have to rely on Jose's Twitter account to provide us with all the juicy details. Thank goodness boneheaded athletes discovered social media.