Above: Jayson Werth's beard (attached to Jayson Werth), Nick Swisher (from How I Met Your Mother) and autograph-seekin' Rob Iracane (from Walkoff Walk).
Hey, baseball's back! Well, okay, not really. It's just spring training, but Roy Halladay and C.C. Sabathia will be squaring off to start the game! This is a legit World Series preview, people, and so I've decided to liveblog it today instead of running errands or working or whatever.
Join me after the jump for liveblog goodness at 1 p.m.!
Right now, I'm watching The Chase Rolls On, allegedly a special on Chase Utley but in reality just a Phillies promotional package hosted by the team's announcer, Tom McCarthy. There were about 56 puns on the word chase in the first minute of this program, but that's nothing. Check out the title of a show airing this season on Comcast SportsNet:
PHILLIES! SUNDAY! PHUNDAY! Phrankly, I can't wait to make phun of this title all phucking season.
The Chase Rolls On is still, uh, rolling on. They showed the "World Fucking Champions" clip but bleeped it. I never understand how that is any better -- who the hell doesn't know what word he said? -- but at least they didn't ignore it.
12:50: Obviously, I'm not doing straight play-by-play for this one, since it's a Spring Training game. I'll recap all the plays, but I might be a little behind; I'll try to do more commentary. Or I could be lazy and just start typing PBP instead, e.g. "C.C. Sabathia gives up his 7th homer of the first inning."
12:52: Zolecki says it's 49 degrees in Clearwater today. Chilly! They might as well be having this exhibition at Citizens Bank Park.
12:57: Chase Utley golfs right-handed. Neat!
12:58: Do you think there will be Keys to the Game today? Let's hope so.
1:01: Oh, look, it's that ugly Phanatic statue.
This thing is supposed to attract tourists to the city. It might drive me away from the city, screaming in horror.
1:05: Here's Roy Halladay, taking a nap or something before the game. I bet Swisher then ran over and spit in his eye.
1:07: Incidentally, I've never been to Spring Training. Anybody know if the Phanatic at Spring Training all the time?
1:08: Oh, look, John Daly threw out the first pitch.
He then sued the Phillies for libel, tweeted Charlie Manuel's phone number and drank a whole pitcher of beer.
1:11: Nice grab by Polanco at third on a short hop, and then he throws the ball extremely high. E-5! Hmm. Might want to get used to that letter-number combination this year, Phillies fans.
1:13: It's the Yankees' second Spring Training game. How is Jorge Posada's helmet so dirty already?!
1:15: Halladay K's Posada, and Robbie Cano flies out to deep right to Jayson Werth's Beard.
1:16: Someone named "Brian Bocock" is playing first for the Phillies today. Jimmy Rolllins leads off against C.C. Sabathia, and grounds to short.
1:18: Placido Polanco makes up for his error, I guess, with a single to left. The Phillies aren't playing Utley, Ibanez or Howard today, because baseball players are huge babies who don't like to face good pitchers unless they don't have to. Or maybe it's for strategic reasons, I dunno.
1:22: After a Ben Francisco out, Jayson Werth walks. J-Werth had a bit of a lens flare coming off his helmet, so I went into Photoshop and made things even better!
I'll never tire of bad Photoshop/lens flare jokes.
1:25: John Mayberry lines out to Swisher in right. We're through one! Ooh, this is going to be a long day for me, isn't it? End 1st.
1:30: Here's a box score for today's game. Halladay strikes out Swisher and Randy Winn to open the second.
1:31: That bum Halladay doesn't strike out the side; instead, Juan Miranda grounds out to end the top half of the second.
1:33: After a Cody Ransom groundout, Juan Castro walks on four pitches. Then Brian Bocock!!! singles to center. First and second with one down.
1:36: And we have our first infield fly rule of the Spring for the Phillies, as Carlos Ruiz pops one up. Jimmy Rollins up now.
1:39: Rollins walks on a 3-1 count. But the ump calls it a strike. "It's Spring Training for umpires, too," says Phillies color man Chris Wheeler. That's right! It's Spring Training for bloggers, too! That's my excuse.
1:41: Rollins grounds into a fielder's choice. End 2nd.
1:42: Roy Halladay is out of the game after two innings; he only threw 24 pitches so he's tossing in the bullpen after the game. Kyle Kendrick is in to pitch.
1:43: Look how fake this whiteboard is in the back of this commercial for Drexel (the University, not the saint).
Study for exams? Renew corporate sponsorship? Invoices? Fantastic.
1:45: Kendrick puts the first two down for the Phillies in the top of the third.
1:47: Kendrick gets Brett Gardner to ground out to end the top half. If you're not watching this game on Comcast (Xfinity?) SportsNet, you're missing out. There are a ton of old- and poor-people ads on during today's game: Lawsuit-happy lawyers, Cashpoint, more lawsuit-happy lawyers, more get-cash-quick schemes and even more lawsuit-happy lawyers! It's a great time to be alive.
1:49: The announcers are interviewing Roy Halladay and as such haven't told us who is pitching for the Yankees this inning, so I'm going to guess it's Tomorrow. He gets Polanco to pop out.
1:52: Oh, it's ex-Phillies pitcher Zach Segovia in for the Yankees. Segovia was drafted by the Fightins in the second round in 2002 and pitched for the Nats last year with a sterling 7.84 ERA. He's No. 70, I don't know if he's going to make the team.
1:53: Jayson Werth walks again with two down.
1:54: John Mayberry lines out to third to end the inning. With Mayberry Jr. at the plate, I am reminded to look up that time last year when Fox misidentified Mayberry's father. That was awesome. End 3rd.
1:56: Kendrick gets Jamie Hoffman to ground out and Posada to clean his helmet. Just kidding, he got Posada to fly out. Nothing, not even nuclear threats, could get Posada to clean his helmet.
1:57: Gary Matthews is in as the color man for the Phillies now, which reminds me of the time two years ago or so when he confused Smith Barney with some department store in Chicago. That was awesome. The Yankees get their first when Cano singles.
1:59: Swisher grounds out to short. Let's link to a montage of Cobie Smulders photos in celebration of that fact!
2:00: Lead story on ESPN.com right now: "The story behind Mike Krzyzewski's lapel pin springs from an unlikely, unwavering friendship." I could just post Gil Thorp cartoons the rest of this post and that would be more interesting than the story of Mike Krzyzewski's fucking lapel pin.
Shouldn't that be "Kids' Opening Night"? Get your effing apostrophes right, Phillies! Unless it's just the opening night for one lucky child.
I'm intrigued by the hill in the outfield and how it would be to watch a game from there. It's a good idea in theory, I guess, but I would really get uncomfortable. I want a seat to watch a game!
2:05: Brian Bocock!!! grounds out with two outs. Hey, we're moving along quickly here! End 4th.
2:08: I left out another type of commercial I enjoy on daytime TV: The fake news report, meant to trick stupid people into thinking it is an actual news report.
I expect to see this dude on Good Day Philadelphia any day now.
2:09: Jose Contreras is in to pitch for the Phillies now. He strikes out Randy Winn.
2:13: After a groundout, Contreras K's Ramiro Pena to end the top of the fifth.
2:16: Announcers are interviewing Kyle Kendrick now. I am so sick of hearing about how Kendrick is learning from Roy Halladay so far in Spring Training, and we're only one game in! Kendrick did just make fun of Jamie Moyer's "20 kids," so that was pretty good.
2:17: Ivan Nova -- what a great name! -- is in to pitch for the Yankees. The announcers interrupted the interview to tell us this. Hooray!
2:20: Ruiz flies out. Rollins grounds out. The interview with Kendrick is over, and just after I had found an image of the time last season when KK had to bring coffee during the NLCS.
2:21: Polanco flies out to Brett Gardner. End 5th.
2:22: I highly enjoy the stock photography in this ad.
You're on the phone, dude! You don't have to push away the collection agent in the air, he's not really there!
2:24: If there is an explanation for this activity here that isn't "sexual fetish," I am going to be surprised.
Also, yes, that's the Hooters VIP Diamond Dugout in the background there.
2:26: Contreras gives up a hit that was touched by a fan; after an awful bunt attempt by Brett Gardner leads to a force at second, Jamie "Abbie" Hoffman hits one to right. There are runners at the corners with one down.
2:28: CLEAN YOUR FUCKING HELMET, POSADA! If I were commissioner for a day, I would ban disgusting helmets. First offense, 50-game suspension. Second offense, 100-game suspension. Third offense, banishment from baseball.
2:29: After Hoffman is caught attempting to Steal This Base, Posada strikes out.
2:33: Placido Polanco is being interviewed now; we get a picture-in-picture for this one. The Phillies and Yankees made a bunch of changes, but I don't know any of these guys, so just look it up in the box score.
2:34: Message from Rob: "The radio guys have spent the game making fun of players' hometowns and talking about The Amazing Race." Ben Francisco strikes out. His Chris Berman nickname is "If you're going to Ben Francisco."
2:35: Oh, crap, Polanco is talking about bunting from the second position all year! ARGH!
2:39: John Mayberry gets a hit and some dude in a Panama jersey celebrates. But then Ross Gload makes an out and the inning is over. End 6th.
2:42: Andrew Carpenter is in to pitch for the Phillies now. He's a 2006 second-round pick.
2:44: After Eduardo Nunez singles up the middle, Swisher lines to Wilson Valdez at third. Nunez steals second on a play catcher Paul Hoover got to the bag but Nunez snuck in there on a bad tag play.
2:46: Nunez moves to third on a wild pitch. Could we have our first run of the game?!
2:47: Carpenter strikes out Colin Curtis, allegedly a real name. Two down.
2:49: And another strikeout keeps this game scoreless. Stretch time! Crap, we need a video, don't we?!
Watch out for the medallion, my diamonds are reckless/ Feels like a midget is hangin' from my necklace!
2:51: Yeah, that's the censored version. Incredibly sorry. I'll curse a couple more times in this liveblog to make up for it.
2:52: Do they really censor the words "break 'em in" in "My people outside and they can't get in/ we gonna rush the back door and break 'em in"? They do! What the hell?
2:53: After Juan Castro singles to center, Bocock!!! flies out.
2:55: And now, an exciting shot of a birds' nest in the outfield or something!
Spring Training fever... catch it!
2:57: Paul Hoover grounds out, Castro to second.
2:58: HOLY CRAP AN EXTRA BASE HIT! Ozzie Chavez doubles one to the right field corner, Castro scores and, whoa, it's a run! Phillies 1, Yankees 0.
3:00: Romulo Sanchez has been pitching for the Yankees this inning, in case you're wondering. Wilson Valdez walks.
3:03: Pitching change! Somebody else (Boone Logan, I think?) came in and got somebody (I dunno who) to ground out. See what I said about Spring Training fever? End 7th.
3:07: Andrew Carpenter is still in for the Phillies. He gets Corona to ground out; Yuengling is up next. Oh, sorry, I mean: Jorge Vazquez.
3:09: The next two batters fly out to John Mayberry. If only every baseball game were this quick!
3:13: Domonic Brown flies out to left. He's the only prospect the Phillies have left -- literally, they only have one person in their farm system -- so everybody paid attention again for a minute. John Mayberry follows that up with a groundout.
3:16: Ross Gload grounds out. Only one half-inning left, if the Phillies can hold the lead. If they win, I predict a World Series victory. If the Yankees go ahead, I think it's all over and they can forfeit all of their games this year. Who says Spring Training isn't important? End 8th.
3:19: Sergio Escalona is in to pitch for the Phillies. The Yankees have Jesus Montero coming up first.
3:20: Montero singles to right, and ex-Phillies prospect Greg Golson is in to pinch-run for the Phils.
3:22: Golson steals second easily, and Austin Romine grounds out and moves him to third.
3:25: Escalona strikes out Nunez. Two down, with David Winfree up. A hit ties it.
3:26: David Winfree -- the love child of Dave Winfield and Oprah Winfrey, Rob IMs -- singles up the middle. The liveblog will continue! Phillies 1, Yankees 1.
3:27: Colin Curtis singles to right. Two on, two down.
3:29: Escalona misses the tag on a bouncer down the first base line and the Yankees take the lead. Yankees 2, Phillies 1.
3:30: A groundout ends the top of the ninth. Phils' season is over... unless they score 2 runs here.
3:31: David Winfree has a neck tattoo.
3:32: Wilkins Arias will attempt to close this one for the Yankees. He'll face Freddy Galvis to lead off the bottom of the ninth.
3:34: Galvis pops foul to the catcher. Brian Bocock with a chance to be the hero here! Or at least get a hit, I guess.
3:35: Hey, he does get a hit! One on with one out. Catcher Paul Hoover is up, Quintin Berry comes in to pinch-run for Bocock (who went 2-for-4 with 2 singles).
3:36: Hey, a little bit of excitement! Hoover breaks his bat, but it goes deep down the left field line for a double. Berry scores from first, Hoover goes to third and the game is tied. Yankees 2, Phillies 2.
3:38: DeWayne Wise pinch-runs for Hoover at third, and Ozzie Chavez is up.
3:39: Chavez strikes out. Wilson Valdez is up. I'm thinking walk, walk, walkoff walk! Of course, it's already 0-2 to Chavez...
3:41: Valdez hits one up the middle, Arias kind of boots it, it shoots to third, Valdez is safe and the game is over! Phillies 3, Yankees 2. End 9th.
3:42: And the Phanatic celebrates with sexual pelvic thrusts!
This actually happened earlier in the game. He does this when the Phils are losing, too.
Thanks for joining me for the first Walkoff Walk liveblog of the year! I hope you enjoyed the parts you paid attention to.