Anchors Of Mediocrity Aweigh: Fifth Starters Mostly Named, A Grateful Nation Finally Exhales

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Teams breaking camp is as sure a sign as any that the baseball season is starting. Huzzah! We made it! That was a close one, but we got through it just the same. So go ahead and pat yourself on the back and grab your jerseys/shirseys, you've earned it.

One last bit of housekeeping that most teams partake of before leaving their Spring Training homes is the fabled "Fifth Starter Announcement." To be sure, I'm fully in agreement with the rest of the WoW crew when they say that the "Fifth Starter Competition" is just a media creation bent on trying to make you care about an otherwise meaningless decision. But hey, backs of the rotation are people too, and it's still the end of Spring Training (!!!!) so we're allowed to celebrate anything and everything related the national pastime as Game 1 draws ever closer. So without further ado, here are the "winners." Adjust your fantasy rosters accordingly. Actually don't.

The National League
New York Mets - Oliver Perez lolololol
Atlanta Braves - Kenshin Kawakami (????)
Philadelphia Phillies - Kyle Kendrick
Florida Marlins - Nate Robertson
Washington Nationals - Scott Olsen or Garrett Mock
The American League
New York Yankees - Phil Hughes
Boston Red Sox - Clay Buchholz
Tampa Bay Rays - Wade Davis
Toronto Blue Jays - Dana Eveland
Baltimore Orioles - David Hernandez

Chicago Cubs - Tom Gorzelanny
St Louis Cardinals - Jamie Garcia
Houston Astros - Felipe Paulino
Milwaukee Brewers - Manny Parra or Chris Narveson
Cincinnati Reds - Mike Leake
Pittsburgh Pirates - Daniel McCutchen

Chicago White Sox - Freddy Garcia
Kansas City Royals - Kyle Davies
Detroit Tigers - Dontrelle Willis
Minnesota Twins - Francisco Liriano
Cleveland Indians - David Huff

San Francisco Giants - Todd Wellemeyer
Los Angeles Dodgers - Charlie Haeger
Arizona Diamondbacks - Kris Benson
Colorado Rockies - Jason Hammel
San Diego Padres - Mat(t) Latos

LA Angels - Joel Pineiro (????)
Seattle Mariners - Ian Snell (????)
Texas Rangers - Matt Harrison
Oakland A's - Gio Gonzalez or Trevor Cahill

Well, um, look at all of that. That's a ton of inexperience and more than enough thoroughly underwhelming career performances to go around. Even the Pirates would hesitate to bring some of these guys on board their roster. Just kidding, the Pirates have no shame in such matters. A few of the decisions have yet to be made so I simply listed the candidates if known, or used the ever-trusty multiple question marks. There's also the chance I got one of the above wrong as I was scouring the Internet and Tweetscape looking for reputable sources. Feel free to correct me in the comments as needed, or, you can just let me wallow in personal shame at the fact I spent time looking up teams' fifth starters. The joke is most definitely on me.

To me the most interesting names are all located in one division: the AL Central. Liriano, Willis, and Garcia were all darn good pitchers in days of yore, well above the normal ability level of the typical fifth starter. If these guys (and it's far more likely with the first two based on age alone) can rekindle some 2005 or 2006 magic, their team's rotations will be verrrrry interesting. Also, how sad is it that Mike Leake doesn't even have a B-R page?

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KK is the Braves 5th starter, DOB indicated he wouldn't start until the 11th.

And Kris Benson actually made it back? Good for him I guess?

Alright, nice. Truthiness!

Benson is still hurt, the DBacks don't need a fifth starter until mid-April so they're hoping he'll be back and ready by then. That rotation is a shambles.

And Kris Benson actually made it back? Good for him I guess?

Only if he can keep Anna happy...

Jaime Garcia with the Cardinals is interesting, because much like Pujols did in '01, he forced La Russa to put him on the 25-man with his performance in ST. I'm hoping he can hang on long enough to stick for the season(although, if he has any options left, you can bet that he'll be on the shuttle to Memphis at the first sign of trouble.)

I'm excited to see Double K back in the Phillies rotation (thanks, Joe Blanton's obliques!). Kendrick was JA Happ before JA Happ was JA Happ. Wait, does that mean JA Happ is gonna suck this year?

Anyway, Kendrick's fiance says he's added pitches to his arsenal, and if there was ever a good evaluator of pitching talent, it's former Survivor castaways. Little known fact: Dave Duncan was on the original Survivor, competing under his pseudonym, "Gervase."

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