Jeffrey Loria To Marlins Fans: You Will Follow No Club Other Than This Club

| | Comments (10)
2-6-5 thief 420.gif

The giant left field scoreboard that helpfully takes up a bunch of empty space at (I'll give you five seconds to come up with the name of the place... time's up) Sun Life stadium has been hilariously referred to as The Teal Monster. But so far this season it's name has been Mudd. You see, the thing done broke. And no one wants to pony up the cash to fix it.

The left field National League and American League out of town scoreboards and starting lineup displays are no more at Sun Life Stadium. The two main panels are covered with massive advertisements for the MLB Network. A dorky picture of Billy the Marlin holding up a glove and an ad for the Marlins Community Foundation occupy the spaces where the lineups used to be posted.

Dating back to last season several bulbs were either malfunctioning or broken. Stadium and Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross deemed it too expensive to fix. As lame duck tenants, the Marlins certainly aren't going to put so much as a dime into a facility they will vacate after the 2011 season.

Now what you're probably thinking is, "Well I guess that makes sense, why should Loria put that money into the stadium that he shares with another team when he's leaving anyway." You're probably thinking that because you're a dummy. Or a Republican.

THE MARLINS ARE THE ONLY TEAM PLAYING IN THAT STADIUM RIGHT NOW AND FANS SHOULD HAVE A COOL OUT OF TOWN SCOREBOARD AND JEFFREY LORIA IS A QUIZILLIONAIRE. FIX IT, SCROOGE MCDUCK.

What a bum. Who wants to bet they play the second half of this year with the electricity, water and cable shut off? Heading to the park? Bring a pee bucket! Wouldn't hiring a few guys to twist in some new lightbulbs fulfill Loria's destiny as The Great Job Creator?

First Marlins fans have to deal with the indignity of MLB monitoring the front office so they don't get fleeced, now they can't even comfortably follow the out of town teams that don't have frigid, soulless owners. This is always one of the signs you're supposed to look for in a toxic relationship. When the abusive partner cuts you off from your social circle. It's happening, Fish fans.

If the scoreboard stays broken due to Loria's crippling neglect we here at Walkoff Walk will hold a fundraiser to get the following scrolling billboard erected at historic Sun Life stadium.

JEFFREY LORIA
IS A SLUMLORD CROOK



PREVIOUS: Tonight's Questions   |   NEXT: Local Dog Expresses Opinion of Local Team

10 Comments

It's too bad Pulitzer nominations were announced yesterday, because I would nominate this. There's always next year. Excellent work.

That thing is very Web 2.0! Wait no, it's Web 0.2, but I still salute Catshirt's HTML skillz.

Ha, Kris used both the <FONT> and the <MARQUEE> tags.

If only Loria hadn't blown all his cash on gaudy jewelry for the only guy on the team who can already afford such ugly trifles...

[standing ovation]

So that's who abducted moneybags baby!

The Florida Marlins: The Only Game in Town!

No, really. That's it. Quit askin' questions. You wanna get punched or somethin?

Greatly done, Kris.
I just feel bad for Moneybaby, being associated with Loria.

Maybe Loria is going "green" Nah, he's just a cheap fuck. and not running that scoreboard is decreasing his carbon foot print?

Maybe Loria is going "green" and not running that scoreboard is decreasing his carbon foot print? Nah, he's just a cheap fuck.

Leave a comment