Sexy Romp In Stadium Stall Rubs Doc Wrong Way, Taints Son

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Paul Nemeth is many things: a White Sox fan, an emergency room doctor, a father, and most importantly, someone who doesn't appreciate folks knocking boots in a mens room stall on Opening Day:

On Monday, Nemeth's son had to go, and his father took him to the nearest restroom. They stood in line for the first urinal next to a row of stalls. As they waited, Nemeth said, he noticed noises coming from the last stall. A man's legs -- clad in blue jeans and sneakers -- were sticking out from under the stall door.

"The toes were pointing up," said Nemeth. "The legs were shaking and quivering. From a visual standpoint, all you had to see was the legs quivering to know something was going on."

As a trained physician, he had an idea what was happening in there, but he worried it might have been something else.

"It was bizarre. It caught the attention of a lot of people. I tried to turn my boy's attention away from it, then I thought, 'Is someone having a seizure?'

"So I kicked the door, just to get a reaction. I just wanted to make sure nobody was dying in there. That's when I heard a woman's voice yell, 'HEY, STOP!' Something was going on and I had interrupted."

The column is too unintentionally hilarious to comment on every bit of it, so please, go read it and have a field day. The headline itself is too sublime: "Sexual hijinks in Sox Park bathroom taint Opening Day". Taint! Bad word choice, writer John Kass!

Kass also seems to think that the Sox will now have undercover cops stationed outside every single mens room in the ballpark to ensure this doesn't happen again. Because, you know, there's nothing else going on in Chicago that needs police manpower.

I will say this much: if I was a proud father bringing my young son to the can at a baseball game and heard this nonsense, my first reaction would be "Okay, kid, let's get out of here and find a different bathroom," not "It sounds like someone's having a very sexy seizure in there! I ought to bang on the door and announce my profession as a doctor and then write a nasty letter to the team and then alert all the newspapers later!"

(awesomely Photoshopped image by our own DMac; link via Craig Calcaterra)

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Kass writes like a pompous d-bag. FTA: But they'll have security — off-duty cops — watching every restroom. Bet on it.

That's because two big-time Sox fans, guys who can actually name great players of the past, read the Tribune and won't let it happen again. Their names are Mayor Richard Daley and Sox Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf.

That's right, peons, the Mayor reads my column. The Mayor. The name Kass draws a lot of water in this town, and if I demand security in the shitter, it's gonna happen!

Well we know it wasn't Mariotti banging in the bathroom

since he doesn't actually go to games.

I agree, Chief Wahoo. "The MAYOR is going to be an end to stadium bathroom sex, I tells ya!"

I can almost not believe this column is real. I've been laughing about it for about an hour. The ending is sublime.

The guy in the stall isn't a man. He's protoplasm in a T-shirt, smelling of beer.

And I doubt that he's a dad.

But he did just have sex in a bathroom stall, so he could be a father soon.

I will give Kass this, he once showed up at City Hall trying to take a shower in the budget director's personal office shower. Despite this gag, he remains an insufferable, unreadable prick.

More like White Sex fans.

/waka waka waka

Nice Nintendo Seal there Dmac

From what I can tell, the local TV news was encouraging this sort of behavior. Shame!

Darn. No autograph-seeking Iracane. But that missing piece doesn't TAINT an otherwise awesome photoshop.

Jerry Reinsdorf is good, honest folk, and the only person that he wants screwed in his ballpark are his players.

It's insane, this guy's taint!

/subscribes to Taint magazine

Starts at the 3 min mark.

That was just Pat O'Connor and Gage, doing what they do best.

And I didn't even see Ed's comment!
Predictable minds think alike, I suppose.

Ceiling Iracane is watching you get your dirty on in that stall, playa.

Nicely done, Nick. Holy crap that's hilarious...

I always feel like
Fruit Bat is watching meeeeeeee

I also really like, "As a trained physician, he had an idea what was happening in there."

Wanna bet this had more to do with it than anything else:

"The Sox want to apologize and offer Nemeth a chance to bring his son to a "kids day" promotion at Sox Park"

Either that or the dude just had a severe case of envy.

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