Paul Nemeth is many things: a White Sox fan, an emergency room doctor, a father, and most importantly, someone who doesn't appreciate folks knocking boots in a mens room stall on Opening Day:
On Monday, Nemeth's son had to go, and his father took him to the nearest restroom. They stood in line for the first urinal next to a row of stalls. As they waited, Nemeth said, he noticed noises coming from the last stall. A man's legs -- clad in blue jeans and sneakers -- were sticking out from under the stall door.
"The toes were pointing up," said Nemeth. "The legs were shaking and quivering. From a visual standpoint, all you had to see was the legs quivering to know something was going on."
As a trained physician, he had an idea what was happening in there, but he worried it might have been something else.
"It was bizarre. It caught the attention of a lot of people. I tried to turn my boy's attention away from it, then I thought, 'Is someone having a seizure?'
"So I kicked the door, just to get a reaction. I just wanted to make sure nobody was dying in there. That's when I heard a woman's voice yell, 'HEY, STOP!' Something was going on and I had interrupted."
The column is too unintentionally hilarious to comment on every bit of it, so please, go read it and have a field day. The headline itself is too sublime: "Sexual hijinks in Sox Park bathroom taint Opening Day". Taint! Bad word choice, writer John Kass!
Kass also seems to think that the Sox will now have undercover cops stationed outside every single mens room in the ballpark to ensure this doesn't happen again. Because, you know, there's nothing else going on in Chicago that needs police manpower.
I will say this much: if I was a proud father bringing my young son to the can at a baseball game and heard this nonsense, my first reaction would be "Okay, kid, let's get out of here and find a different bathroom," not "It sounds like someone's having a very sexy seizure in there! I ought to bang on the door and announce my profession as a doctor and then write a nasty letter to the team and then alert all the newspapers later!"