I kid, of course, no matter how high Kyle Kendrick's ERA gets (well over 17 now after his disastrous start against Warshington), his performance could never make a chubby young gent like the one pictured to the left blow chunks all over an innocent young girl. No, the only thing that could make him do such an illicit act is his pure unabated douchiness.
The story begins when Capt. Michael Vangelo, an Easton, PA cop, and his two daughters planned a lovely family outing for Wednesday night's Phillies game versus the Nationals. The family outing turned dark, however, when some unsavory characters seated behind the Vangelos started acting up, perhaps as a result of intoxication from imbibing alcoholic beverages. Quel horreur!
As per NBC Philadelphia:
I had beer thrown on me and water and then one individual started spitting at the back of my daughter's chair and he actually spit on my 11-year-old daughter," Vangelo said.
Vangelo went to report the men to ushers, who promptly ejected them from the game. The man says everything seemed fine until another fan got involved.
That fan -- identified by police as Matthew Clemens -- was sitting with another, unrelated group of fans who were also disciplined for acting out when he allegedly did what Vangelo describes as the "most disgusting thing" he's ever seen.
Clemens, 21, positioned himself behind the 11-year-old's chair, stuck his fingers down his throat and vomited on the girl and her father, police said.
"He leaned forward, he projectile vomited all over me and my daughter," Vangelo said with a look of hurt splashed across his face.
A look of hurt wasn't the only thing splashed across his face, amirite? The story has a happy ending, though:
After all the disruptions and vile acts, the 11-year-old was able to come out of the game with a smile, her father said. A nearby fan caught a foul ball and gave it to the girl.
I hope Capt. Vangelo wiped that ball down before they got home.