Regular readers may know that I have a particular affinity (i.e., disdain) for Keys to the Game-style segments at the start of sports broadcasts. They rarely contain any actual "keys" to the game or any actual scouting reports.
So, then, thanks much to Rob for spotting the above report on AJ Burnett last night! An instant classic. It is wonderful that the only actual stat up there is Win-Loss record, one that tells us almost as little about AJ Burnett as a pitcher as the fact he loves yard work.
I'd like to read between the lines and infer that "loves yard work" is a reference to his affinity for inducing a ground ball, but seeing as Scott's is the official lawn-care provider for MLB this year, I'm sure they worked in a reference to that instead.
That's great. If the pitching thing doesn't work out for him Arizona is soon going to face a drastic shortage of landscapers.
What does Victor Martinez have to do with anything? Weren't they playing the Orioles?
VICTAH MAHTINEZ AAAAHHH THE SAWX AH IN THEAH HEADS!!!!
The "yard work" thing must refer to Burnett's career record of 5-0 with a 3.89 ERA at Camden Yards, which doesn't sound THAT great until you consider his career ERA at Fenway (5.36) or CBP (5.04) or Comerica (9.42).
ENJOYS GRILLED SALMON
LIKES LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH AND THE HEAVY METAL ROCK MUSIC
HATES JORGE POSADA
WILL GLADLY PAY YOU TUESDAY FOR A SIX-PACK TODAY
DOESN'T CARE FOR THE SWEDISH
THINKS THE CANADIAN HEALTH CARE SYSTEMS SUCKS
FAVORITE PAINTER IS TAMARA DE LEMPICKA
CO-STARRED IN SEMINAL COMEDY FILM "TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN"
DOESN'T LIKE THE WHIP STAT
LEFT HAND IS MADE FROM SMOKED GOUDA
DREAMED OF BEING WALTER MATTHAU AS A CHILD
SID FERNANDEZ
BEES MAKE HIM FREAK OUT
FERNANDO VALENZUELA
CLAY ZAVADA
0 SAVES, 0 STEALS, 2 HRS
GERMAN POTATO SALAD = WILL PITCH THE SEVENTH INNING?
IF I CAN TOUCH YOU THEN YOU'RE NOT A GHOST