There's a ton of afternoon baseball today! Do your part to lower America's productivity and watch them today instead of working.
Cardinals at Reds, 12:35 p.m. Brad Penny makes his first start for St. Louis, while the Reds counter with Bronson Arroyo. Arroyo is totally going to hit a homer today. Shit. Would you believe a double?
Dodgers at Pirates, 12:35 p.m. The Pirates are 2-0! The Pirates are 2-0! The last time the Pirates were 2-0, the economy sucked and George W. Bush was president. Okay, so that was only 2007, so let's not print playoff tickets just yet. Ronny Cedeno had a walkoff single last night with the bases loaded. Clearly, he hates this website.
Blue Jays at Rangers, 2:05 p.m. Oh, look, famous Twitter user str8edgeracer is pitching for the Rangers today. Toronto counters with Ricky Romero, who will be pitching drunk.
Tigers at Royals, 2:10 p.m. Dontrelle Willis (look how fat he looks in his headshot!) makes his first start of the season against Brian Barrister, constant subject of Joe Posnanski blog posts. Expect a 15-13 game.
Mariners at Athletics, 3:35 p.m. The Athletics also had a walkoff win last night, when Kurt Suzuki doubled home Kevin Kouzmanoff from first. If the bases had been loaded, Suzuki probably would have taken the four balls, unlike that jerk Cedeno.
Phillies at Nationals, 4:35 p.m. Ryan Howard, currently on pace for 162 home runs, and the Phils send noted barista Kyle Kendrick to the mound against Craig Stammen. The Phillies lead the league in run differential two games into the season, but they have played the Nationals twice.