Wild Orphan: Today's Afternoon Games

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  • Indians at Tigers, 1:05: Golden Child Rick Porcello (heeeey, Joey Buttafucco ova eah) makes his season debut. Rick is from Morristown, NJ and so Italian that he sleeps under a blanket of capicola, thus making him the Tigers' own version of Rob Iracane. Porcello is 3-0 in 4 starts against the Indians, allowing but 5 runs in 25 innings. David "Let's Go" Huff "Some Gas" gets the start for the Tigs.

  • Blue Jays at Orioles, 3:05: Brandon Morrow makes his first start as a Blue Jay. Vernon Wells will try and prolong his hot start. PUT YOUR CAP ON BACKWARDS AND HIT THE WAREHOUSE. The Orioles just dropped two of three to the Rays, despite only being outscored by a single run. Brad Bergesen starts for the O's.

  • Padres at Rockies, 4:10: You guys can finally exhale. Clayton Richard and Jorge De La Rosa make their season debuts. Both of these clubs dropped 2 of 3 in their opening series. Please note that Heath Bell is attempting to tag the Padres with the "Why Not Us?" mantra. Well Heath, where would you like us to start?

  • Braves at Giants, 4:35: Arguably the two teams with the most first week hype in the NL. The Braves are 2-1 and riding the wave of excitement that's been brought by Heyward and Hanson (hoo?). The Giants are 3-0 and have gotten stellar pitching thus far. Today they trot out 4th starter Jonathan Sanchez, he of the 2009 no-hitter. This is the one to watch! Unless you're watching The Masters.

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Are you telling me that Frederick Alfredo Porcello is a greasy Italian?


Eh! I got ya fackin' capicola blanket right heah.

/grabs crotch

David "Let's Go" Huff "Your Step Mom's panties"


No Chipper though, creampuff'd already.

Well Heath, where would you like us to start?

"Preferably with some appetizers. Maybe some calamari, some mozzarella sticks, and then ... oooh, jalapeno poppers, too! We can squeeze some nachos in there, right? Right."

The Giants are 3-0 and have gotten stellar pitching thus far

...Pitching that also had the fortune of getting three games against the Astros. Holy shit, do they look lifeless. Pedro Feliz leads all of their regulars in every major offensive category. The team, as a whole, has neither stolen a base nor produced a tater tot yet in 2010.

Continuing this rant...

-Only team in MLB w/o a HR
-.219 OBP
-.275 SLG
-Fewest RBI, R, BB, and 2B

Fuck yo' small sample sizes

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