The Pumpkin Report

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pumpkin baby.jpg

The passing of the Summer Solstice means we're now through the artisanal bread and into the pretentious cured meat & stinky cheese section of the baseball season. Who's still around to give hope to moribund franchises? Which flame outs sucked the life from the hungry fan bases looking for something to cling to? The clock on the season is about to strike midnight: who are the pumpkins and who are the princesses?

  • PRINCESS: Ubaldo Jimenez. Granted he isn't a princess of the Bob Gibson order1, but Yoo-baldo is a long-time stud finally come into his own. The walks are gone, the fastball dips and dives at a breakneck pace. He'll give up some home runs and he can't strand everyone forever, but he's a real threat to steal Timmy's trophy.

  • PUMPKIN: Dusty's Red Legs. And a damn shame it will be. The Reds have some excellent pieces, both for the present and the future. Unfortunately, giving significant plate appearances to both Miguel Cairo and Jonny Gomes while hoping Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo keep all their joints in order is not a recipe for sustained success. Carrying the offense can only further wear down the back of heroic leader Scott Roleln. Poor fella's back looks more and more like the spine of the most dog-eared copy of The Jungle in circulation.

  • PRINCESS: Alex Rios. So wait: you're telling me a two-time all star who catches everything with a track record of power and speed might be worth a damn? This princess is sure to outlast both his wacky manager and wily GM, so long as they keep him from swimming in the Chicago river.

  • PUMPKIN: The Mariners turnaround. It isn't that the Mariners are dreadful, it's that the Mariners were supposed to be good. The new black of well-run franchises, the Mariners seemed to mis-manage any chance they had of competing in the A.L. West. The offense so poor yet the great juggling pimp of the offseason sits on his hands. Cursory moves come too late to overcome mismanaged bullpens, ineffective starters and meddling pitching coaches. Now the only drama in the Mariners summer is: can Jack Z reverse-fleece some contending sheep with Cliff Lee?

  • PRINCESS: Listicles.

  • PUMPKIN: Hackneyed Food Metaphors.

  • PRINCESS: The San Diego Padres Pitch and Catch Attack While the Mariners pitching and defense approach isn't quite enough to overcome a pathetic offense; the Padres offer exceptional pitching and world-beating defense remedies the "Adrian Gonzalez and 11 guys named Who?" effect.

  • PUMPKIN: The Toronto Blue Jays worsening offense. Wacking dingers is all fine and good, but a wise man once said solo home runs will not break your back and the 2010 Blue Jays are determined to prove it true, seemingly by design. The Jays will keep Larzen busy until September, but their seat at the kids table is assured for at least one more year.

1 - Bob Gibson just beaned Pumpkin Baby because I called him a princess. Tough but fair Bob, tough but fair.


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21 Comments

Wait, so the princess turns into a pumpkin in this version of the story? That's good news for my gourd fetish.

The leg holes in Pumpkin baby's outfit = call a friend.

Looks like someone has watched "Cinderella" one too many times.

I clicked on a spam link once and saw "The Blintzes and the Blumpkin," and even that was better than the Mariners.

By the way, Alex Rios and his .750 career post-ASB OPS is PUPO (that's Pumpkin Until Proven Otherwise)

WHO is more worsening? The Blue Jays or the Phillies?

So this makes the Orioles one of those huge-ass pumpkins you see at county fairs, right?

@MDT
OK, that works, too.

Jays will receive no rest when they meet the buzzsaw that is Jaime Garcia tonight.

@phillas - that's just not fair... no one even likes that guy. If you notice, the only people laughing in the picture are women and we all know women don't count and aren't funny. Who am I kidding... all our fans were left at the stick, and now people are too busy on their WiFi and at the build-a-bear station. F my life...

TWO Giants fans now? This is absurd. I can't wait for wireless internet to reach Oakland in 2015 so I can get some help here.

One of two things will happen when Oakland gets WiFi, Farthammer: 1. The routers will get stolen; or 2. it will be immensely popular and adored by the fans, only to be switched out a year later with a lesser known, up and coming technology.

Wireless in Oakland? Keep an eye out for the all-new Linksys Chrome series.

Connecting to wireless network "Whistletips"

WHOOOO WHOOOO

BUBBRUBB is exactly 8 characters, perfect for use as a WPA or WEP password

/hacks njpanick's home wifi

Jokes on you, Jerkwheat. My actual password is CATSHIRT.

/hacks njpanick's home wifi

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