Emergency Bat Attack Roundup

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palm_smash_bat.jpgBat attack roundups are two things: frequently hilarious and Kris' personal baby. He rants and raves all around the WoW offices, demanding the mentally unstable take out their frustrations with baseball implements rather than the pedestrian ice picks and pool cues of yesteryear.

Once in while, a story comes across the Walkoff Wire that — even in the absence of the Bat Attack Godfather — must be told.

Decades of trucker hats, poorly-grown mustaches, and white people's disco has my irony detector in need of calibration. Still, the story of a teenage American soccer player attacked and beaten with a baseball bat in Denmark strikes me as slightly odd. From, for the first time in WoW history, the Copenhagen Post Online:

An American teenager playing in the Dana Cup football tournament in town of Hjørring suffered a broken nose last night when he was attacked with a baseball bat by unknown assailants.

Nordjykse Media reports that the young man was with a group of other football players in the town when the unprovoked attack occurred shortly after midnight.

Aside from the health of the unfortunate victim of this senseless attack, the most pressing question from this story: where the hell in Denmark did someone find a baseball bat?

Denmark doesn't have a domestic baseball league, though they do have a softball baseball forbund. There is no Danish contingent at the ongoing World Junior Baseball Championships, though baseball powerhouses France and the Czech Republic threw down in Thunder Bay.

I'm struggling to think of a comparable stateside analogy. Rinku and Dinesh felled by cricket bats? Dysentery? Grant Balfour hitting the DL after a fan throws a boomarang out of the crowd? Landon Donovan missing time after a vicious purse-swinging incident?

Get well soon, unnamed American teenager. May your Danish assailants face the full force of the law, American-style.


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17 Comments

I think I broke my nose just trying to pronounce Hjørring.

From an awesome Aug 2. New Yorker article about Moscow's completely insane traffic problems:

"The son of a city prefect was stuck in Lexus; the son of a municipal notary officer was riding his bicycle, weaving through the traffic, when he accidentally nicked the Lexus. The son of the prefect got out of his car and pushed the notary's son (a poli-sci student) to the ground. Humiliated, the notary's son went off and found a baseball bat somewhere---whether at home or at a sporting-goods store [Note from Freetzy: or Denmark?], the reports hadn't yet determined---and returned to find the prefect's son still in traffic. He began smashing the windows of the Lexus with the baseball bat. When the prefect's son got out of the car again, the notary's son hit him, too, breaking his hand. Mosocow's leading tabloid, Life-News, posted a photograph of the prefect's son sporting a cast."

where is the wholphin and post about the Capps trade?

Middle relievers get no wholpin. There's a 3 WAR limit.

But Drew, he is an "All Star Closer"!!! Because of an arbitrary stat he is way overvalued. The Twins way overpaid for him

@Drew, what about the Cantu trade? "Sassy Senor Sent to Single Star State"

Sadly I'm at work. I will only put my job on the line for Danish bat attacks. Or if Dmitri Young attacks a danish with a bat, instead of just desperation and gusto.

@phillas
I think it's a soft j

What do you suppose the young women of Hjørring do for a living?

My friend that I spilt my season tickets with is going to the Twins/Mariners game tonight with his wife. She just sent me this in an email:
"Fister is making the start tonight for the Mariners. Do you think he's used to a tight zone?"

I love it.

Jesu Christo. Now we're just giving players away.

Now we'll get to see Kerry Wood cough up leads and get hurt for the Yankees!

Tonight: the wife and I watch Sugar. I will let you know the verdict.

Hope you enjoyed, Fartie. Pretty good film.

Both of us loved it, and she isn't even a big sports fan. It was a good movie that happened to be about beisbol.

My only complaint was the main actor looked too much like a young Sammy Sosa.

His decision is so jarring that it throws some people off. Personally I loved it as well. Felt so damned true.

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