This One Counts: MLB All-Stars To Fight Giant Child Monster

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Hey, remember last year's giant baseball player magnet/"So Show Me What I'm Lookin' For" All-Star Game ad? You might think that would be the weirdest advertisement for an exhibition of baseball's best players (and Tim Wakefield) you'd ever see. You might be wrong, however, because holy crap what is with the 2010 MLB All-Star Game ad?!?!

Below, an extended (nearly shot-for-shot!) critique of the commercial.


Okay, this starts normally enough, with Derek Jeter standing in front of a green screen. They've been a traditional feature of baseball advertising since their invention by meteorologists (conjecture). Let's see what happens next.


Oh, look, now Citizens Bank Park is filling with sand. If I were Ryan Howard, I would be running for my life instead of looking quizzically at the horrible event happening in front of me.


This is definitely the coolest effect in the commercial. I know the effects wizards can do almost anything nowadays, but I was still pretty impressed. Also, isn't that a Sports Authority ad normally? What the hell is Sports Report 25? I do know the band the Verve has been advertising on the Green Monster for a while now, despite being on indefinite hiatus.

So what happened here? Do you think AAA ponied up some money in order to keep its ad in the promo? I can't imagine W.B. Mason (the real-world Dunder Mifflin, at least until Sabre's recent acquisition of DMI) had the cash for it. Maybe FOX just missed that one.


Scene change! Oh crap, Ichiro is going to fly into the wall, injure himself and not be able to play in the All-Star Game! Look out!!


Oh, that Ichiro, what a card! He turned into sand, went through the wall, then re-formed into an Ichiro stunt double and landed on the beach! I will never get tired of that dude's wackiness. (Also, he does a profanity-laden tirade before every ASG in order to fire up the AL All Stars. That is awesome.)


Look, here's A-Rod, now materializing out of the beach! Doesn't he look incredibly smug? Hmm. Is there any photo of A-Rod where he doesn't look incredibly smug? I am sure that is the media's portrayal of him that's making me think that way, but guy could wear a shirt that says "I AM NOT SMUG" once in a while or something.


After watching Ichiro and A-Rod show up in front of them, these two leather-skinned old people should probably just be happy to not have died of skin cancer yet. And I guess they are, as they react to a man materializing out of sand in front of them with sleep and boredom.


Hey, here are some more players materializing out of sand. Chase Utley would look smug like A-Rod, but robots programmed to play baseball do not have human emotions.


And then Tim Lincecum shows up, looking awesome and stoned as usual. (Note: Screenshot may have been edited by Dan McQuade.)


Can you imagine how many people were killed when this stadium rose up from under the beach? Hundreds, maybe thousands. This is like when Disney killed all those dogs during the filming of Air Bud-spinoff series flick Snow Buddies.



AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! You may be smiling now, Torii Hunter, but you won't be when you turn around and see the giant child-beast you must battle. Your homer-stealing prowess in the outfield will not help you here!


More horror! This child giant apparently has magical powers and has turned the entire stadium to sand. Or, wait, is he Stephen Strasburg?


And then that's it. Huh. Well, I'm sold. This one does count!

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Not shown: Gene Autry's dessicated corpse.

Duuuuuude....wait, what?

Carlos Santana hits a 424 footer to the upper deck in right field.

And Matt LaPorta deposits one in the stands as well. I told you the Tribe was going on the warpath!

My biggest takeaway from this ad: Tim Lincecum will fuck your girlfriend. I bet he already has.

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