Chuckleheaded Doofus Makes Me Long For Yankees Collapse

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Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy is a witch. He can see the future, and it's grim for Red Sox fans. Do you have tickets for any remaining Red Sox games at Fenway Park? Might as well shred them unless you're planning on rooting for the visiting team. Dan Shaughnessy has eulogized the Red Sox with such a sense of certitude that I'd be surprised to see any of the Red Sox players show up for their game tonight in Baltimore. Why play? Season's over, boys:

We can all stop now. We can stop scoreboard watching, and doing math tricks, and harboring silly hope that there's a big surge ahead that will thrust the Red Sox into the 2010 playoffs.

Better to cease with the torment now and accept the obvious. The Sox are not going to be in the hunt in October. The Boston baseball season is going to end Sunday, Oct. 3, at Fenway Park. When Game No. 162 is over, the Yankees will leave town and start their American League Division Series. The Sox will scatter to the four winds.

My gosh, is that man a dour dollop of despair or what? I'd call his death declaration a blanket statement but it's more like a grave blanket statement, amirite? Shaughnessy continues by questioning why anyone would have ever been so dumb to root for this team and expect good things. It's almost (but not quite) an admission that his entire season's worth of Sox columns amounted to nothing more than a tax write-off of spilled ink and wasted bits and bytes.

Shaughnessy even went so far as to call a 2-1 series loss to the Rays as "a lost weekend". A winning record on their upcoming trip to the West Coast is all but unimaginable. Yet Shaughnessy promises a three-game sweep over the Orioles despite the Red Sox' .500 record against the team in 2010. What gives, Dan? One day you are burying Johnny Damon for not returning to Boston and less than a week later you are burying the team you wanted him to come back to. Pick a side!

It's almost enough to make me want to root for the Yankees or Rays or both to collapse and have the Red Sox surge back into a playoff position, only so we can see what nonsense Shaughnessy and his band of miserable Hub columnists might write to explain "why Terry Francona deserves manager of the year" or "how the Sox overcame injury to contend". Perhaps it's my own contrary juices boiling, because why would a Yankees fan ever root for the Red Sox? Maybe in the end, it's not the Sox I despise so much but the bandwagonesque attitudes of their most vocal critics. I spit on your eulogy, Dan Shaughnessy.

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If he replaced "Red" with "White" he would be right on.


Spoken like a true Twins fan, BC. Keep fighting the good fight.

I'd be like "it's amazing a team this banged up is still within shouting distance of the two best teams in the sport," but then again I'm not a myth-inventing, floppy-haired cuntmuscle.

I'm pretty sure Bill Simmons buried the Red Sox season about a month ago.

Yeah, but Bill Simmons did it more amusingly: by likening the situations to various movies that get rerun on basic cable all the time.

Did you actually read his article or are you just assuming that's what he did?

Well excuuuuse me, everyone. I'm having a bad day. My hairdresser was out sick this morning, so my Ronald McDonald hairstyle is all off-kilter. The fact that I have a birthday party scheduled at a Framingham McDonald's this afternoon only complicates matters. I mean really, without me there to get the face-painting and balloon animals started, the kids are left only with Grimace's tired, morbidly obese antics. And the Hamburglar - well, let's just say parole violations are a bitch.

But honestly folks, are you surprised? My paychecks haven't been as big after penning books about the "curse," only to have it snuffed out by an unprecedented run of team success. I tried to turn things around by writing "Reversing the Curse," but it just didn't garner the same gusto. If I don't rile up the doom and gloom - and fast - my longstanding credibility is out the window. JUMP ON THE SHAUGHNESSY WAGON!

BCTF, I've been assuming what's in the content of Simmons's articles for years. He once said of me, "Yup, these are my people who assume what I wrote without reading it."

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